Over the years I have turned to a lot of new age therapies simply because for one little minute it gives me hope. Hope that is usually dashed with the arrival of my AF (aka - Aunty Flow, aka my Period) each and every month.
There's been tarot cards purchased. A rice reader / physic (don't ask). Willow tree angels. Every shred of hope I can find, I grab with both hands and don't let go. It's a bit silly, but it's my saving grace. Without it, rest assured I would have been told I was depressed long ago. With it, I have hope. I have faith. I have a reason to put my foot forward each day and continue traipsing down this road.
Today I felt the angels. To give a little background (which I will eventually delve into further) we have been currently TTC (trying to conceive) our 2nd child for 2 years, 2 months and 10 days (not that I'm counting ;) there has been a lot of shit go down in the past year and the culmination of all that shit means that I am longer in the headspace to continue this journey. I feel I'm on the edge of a pit and if I take one more step I will fall headlong into a spiral of depression and I'm not ready to go there. Not yet. Not ever. So we are for all intents and purposes taking a break. A hiatus if you will and during that time out, I need to fix my health issues that are plaguing me - namely the fucking endo.
For the record: there will be a LOT of swearing on this here blog, my place, my words - suck it up now & just deal with it ok? Great if you're happy, so am I!
2 weeks and 2 days ago I had an exploratory laparscopy almost a year to the day of my 2010 exploratory laparoscopy. In 2010 they found nothing. Zilch. Nada. Not a skeric of this blasted disease and that lulled me into a false sense of security. I was cured. After all that time. My endo discovered and treated in 2006 was STILL gone. Cue jumping for joy. The pregnancy (or in my case NOT getting pregnant) was still a mute point, however I was cured - I had HOPE! However no answers & I spent the last year in limbo.
Six months ago, I discovered a lumpy mass behind my cervix (yes inside my hoo-haa) Thinking it was just scarring from my exploratory earlier that year, I put it out of my mind. I had my DH check it, feel it (ok, probably not a visual you needed.. lucky you don't know me hey?) and after a couple of months of the thing playing on the back of my mind, a visit to my beautiful GP was called for.
Ten minutes with that god-damn duck bill thingy (what do they call that thing for papsmears) shoved up there, moving it around and feeling the lump and she finally says to me "you have a history of endo don't you" I didn't want to hear that, but I knew. It grew back. I walked out with yet another referral to my equally beautiful OB/GYN/FS, that appoint was made and off I went.
Walking in the door of DR K's office, she read my referral letter and before I even sat down she says "it's back" Ominous words. So final. WTF? Honestly at that moment, my heart dropped - I know what that involves MORE operations, MORE waiting, MORE stress. We talked it through and she got me up on the bed for another fate with the duck bill, thankfully only a minute, a quick feel (honestly is this is starting to sound like a porno ;) ) and she agreed and told me 99.9% sure it is back as there is a definite painful nodule where I had found this lump.
The operation was last month - the result endo present :(
My follow up appointment with Dr K was today and she confirmed some of my niggling suspicions I've had over the last 2 weeks. It is back. It is agressive. It is extensive. It is (thankfully) in one spot only.
However it is not in any of the most expected area (ovaries, pouch of douglas)
Nope. Mine is in the hoo-haa.
I have an extensive nodule of deep endo barely visible through my uterus, growing into my hoo-haa. It needs to come out. I will be getting surgery on my hoo-haa.
Looking on the bright side - I get a vagina-lift for about $3,000 give or take! What a fucking bargain!
Seriously though, I am feeling a little numb. I've been down this road. This fucking disease has given me the right royal run-around, I've been lured into believing it was cured and gone, it's now back and Dr K was throwing around words of malignant transformation (rest assured it is NOT malignant... but she has seen it once before and it could happen - if I leave it... well the alternative doesn't bare thinking about) I feel like my life has a whole new life thrust upon it.
And the angels on my shoulder? Had I not been "trying" for a babe, I wouldn't have been checking my CM (cervical mucous) and I wouldn't have found the nodule. I dread to think what might have been...