Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Vices & stuff...

A beer or two is all I need to be able to talk freely (well write freely) without inhibitions or fear of what I might say that may not be politically incorrect… 

I also have  a new computer (well laptop… actually it's a MacBook Pro - jealous much??? It is a damn sight easier typing on this than the iPad - which suits is purpose as being my 'reader' of blogs, not writer of blogs!) So watch out, I have a keyboard and I'm not afraid to use it!!! 

Remember my last entry… I tried to find my peace? I'm still fucking looking. I set the alarm for 6am and went out the back (quietly so as not to wake the tribe) and sat on a towel. Breathing In. Breathing Out. Closing my mind, but sounds of the highway filtered through. A constant stream of car noises - seriously people… it was 6am (ok well it was actually 6:10am because I could not wake fully with the first alarm call out) and while we do hear some traffic noise from the highway (we are 2 streets back, but are on bigger semi rural properties the noise is just a sssssssshhhhhhhh sound…) but as it turns out a LOT of people must be making their way in at that time of the morning. So after trying to block that noise out, I tried to focus on the bids, but they flew away… I then felt a little chilly and wished I had grabbed something more than just my old satin robe. 

Let's just say it did not go well and meditation it was NOT. 

Hopefully better luck next time ;) 

I've actually had the past 2 days off work (yesterday I actually HAD to work for DH, but today was my usual day off) I am feeling relaxed. While I am not terribly looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, I'm not anywhere near as anxious about it as I was earlier this week (could be the two beers I've had… they have given me a very pleasant buzz) 

The last two days though they haven't had work stresses pressing in on me, they also haven't been without other stresses. I started getting a wee bit of spotting late Monday night. A Dr Google search the next morning yielded to me that spotting (***TMI alert*** ) is a little red upon wiping. That would be all fine and dandy as I've had that before right around ovulation time {which incidentally is where I'm at with my cycle} but it didn't stop with just a little spotting. It started bleeding and 48 hours later… still going. I haven't contacted my new specialist yet as I'm sure I will just get a standard 'it's very normal' answer and I am not sure I'm up for that mentality at the moment.

 Cue Emu *bums in the air, head in the sand* 

My DH is worried and has been asking me for 2 days now whether I will just call Dr W (specialist) I know he's worried, he's been giving me cuddles and that only happens when he stresses about me and this blasted disease. I think if it's still going strong tomorrow then I may give them a call to just see - it can't hurt, can it? 

Really it's just overly frustrating for me because my op was only 6 weeks ago and I have had close to 3.5 weeks of bleeding (post op / 2 AF's and now this mid cycle bleeding) it's all just a little too much and I am OVER IT!!! 

While I say I am just frustrated by it, it has added to my emotional state and after a small episode at the shops with one very tired toddler, a stressed mummy and a pair of shoes… I ended up coming home and taking a time out for myself. Emotionally I am wavering. Some days it feels very much back burner style and it's just there lurking. Other days like yesterday, it is a very real, a very tangible pain and it fucking hurts. I had a mini meltdown (in the shower again, that seems to be a given these days) and afterward felt very edgy knowing that I hadn't got it all out. It's all in there waiting to erupt and I just don't know when it will. That scares me. 

There are so many things that I could be doing for this disease - taking control and working toward living a future with it, but not letting it rule ME (which is what I feel it is doing right this moment) I can do a full diet change, I know there are certain things that probably trigger it (I am fairly sure BEER is not too good for it, but it's my current calming / coping mechanism right now) cutting back on my caffeine intake… the list goes on. But you know what? Right now, I need to feel bad. I am NOT ready to give up the last of my pleasures for this disease. I want to be able to have my guilt pleasures an enjoy my daily coffee(s) without worrying of the consequences. This disease has robbed me of so much - why should I give up the only things that make me happy? Eventually I may re-think it and maybe even find new guilty pleasures but for now. The coffee stays. So does the beer (or two) 

Or three ;) 

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