Thursday, April 7, 2011

An Update of sorts...

Not a terribly huge update, as I mentioned in the previous post ~ currently I am travelling reasonably well. No longer do I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a precipice. I am not feeling an all time consuming sadness. My anxiety symptoms have settled (though do flare when I'm under particular stresses)

I'm still sad. Very Sad. I think I will always carry some degree of sadness with me should we never have another baby. But that's ok. Much as I would desperately want another baby, much as it hurts like hell some days, much as I wish I was just like 'other' couples, I know statistics state someone must walk this path. And that's ok. Not wonderful. Not ideal. Not what I would have chosen for my path in life. It's just ok.

I am blessed with my one little babe (who incidentally keeps telling me that she is not my baby anymore, I'm your big girl mumma :( she who will always be my big girl and my little girl) and because of her, I am so very grateful. We have a great friendship happening at the moment, and I know that had we had another babe in the past or even in the future, I would miss the mother / daughter relationship that we now have. It's just her and I (and him). But I have to tell you that when we go out now, she is just so easy and I think to myself THIS is the way it's supposed to be. Of course I still worry that I will be totally overprotective of her and by doing that will make her life more stifled in some ways. But that's ok. As long as she feels loved, what more can I ask for. So yes I am very blessed. I am grateful. I have happy with my lot in life. I am one VERY lucky girl.

My AF went AWOL for a bit, but somehow the bitch found me again (just this week infact ~ shame becauyse I was holding tight to some threads of hope for a while there) but two pregnancy tests on day 29 and day 32 put a stop to that niggling hope. I ended up putting that pesky mid-cycle bleeding (the same one that actually lasted EIGHT days) as a weird and totally messed up AF and low and behold this AF has arrived on day 24 or some such thing. Forgive me - I have stopped counting because frankly I can't be stuffed!!!

I have a grand total of 6 weeks left of work... 15 days - eeek!!! Feel sort of surreal considering the last time I left this company was when I was up the duff... this time I don't have anything to go to - except a hospital visit!!! My excitement levels are building with the thought of ALL I can achieve and do when I have MORE time! Of course I do worry that I may have too much time to think, but all in all at this point in time I need this change. Hopefully I will be able to get myself sorted out and do some sort of writing course and eventually I would love to go to University. So I am sure I will be kept busy.

The only downside about being excited about leaving work means that the operation is only 7 weeks away :O I am totally NOT looking forward to that side of things, but the rest and relaxation... *sigh* I can't wait!!!

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