Yesterday I finished work again, this time for the final time (I started with this company when I was a mere 21 years of age back in 1999 with a 2.5 year hiatus when I had my daughter back in 2007) leaving this time feels surreal and a little anti-climatic as the last 10 or so months has seen major changes with most of the old staff leaving at various times and a slew of newbies commencing. As much as it's an end of an era, I am so excited about the future and all it entails. And NO, contrary to popular belief I am NOT going to become a stay at home mum. I will be doing the hard yards in my husbands business and hopefully taking the pressure off him enough so he can relax a little. The last 18 months has been hard on the both of us and we are both looking forward to a little less hectic time and a little more de-stressing.
Added to the stress of the past 18 months has been the whole TTC issue and a lot of this has led me to re-evaluate my life and what it is I want from it. You see when you try so hard to achieve something and it doesn't happen as you would expect... it makes you want to re-think everything. With work I had already made the decision back in October to move on & originally had been willing to work up to September this year, unfortunately my own health and well-being made us re-think this and with new stresses being heaped on me at work (partly due to staff changes, training and re-training constantly) along with my recent operation and subsequent specialist appointments & shitty news, something had to give. Work drew the short straw. Balancing an active toddler with a 3 day a week job, commuting more than 2 hours a day as well as working long days (average was 8:30 - 6... which isn't much, but more than I originally committed to in the first place) not to mention doing the bookwork for my other half at nights, on weekends or days off, as well as extra work I had taken on for his clients. It literally got to the point that my head couldn't take it anymore. At breaking point, not only was I on a roller-coaster ride of TTC and Infertility but work had fast become a take all and leave none. So it had to go.
While I worry that with all the extra hours I now have on my hands will lead me to thinking about our failed TTC journey & focusing on the negatives, on the other hand, I am actually looking forward to the opportunity to finally grieve and make peace with it. If not surrendering to peace, then perhaps waving a white flag at it. Using the word grieve is probably not the right terminology, but I feel I need to mourn the future children that we won't be having and for that to happen I need time out to deal with it. At the moment, I seem to be coping a lot better with our decision, but I know with the upcoming operation it will be at the forefront of my mind and for that I need to let go of past bitterness. I need to work my way through this and find a way forward.
One thing I have realised over the past few months is that I have carried a lot of bitterness with me over the years. I should have dealt with and come to grips with our TTC#1 journey before I commenced TTC#2. Carrying so much angst forward with me, I find it hard to differentiate between the two journeys and think perhaps the 2nd time around should not have felt as bad as it does now. That is until I read of others who are also on the journey of #2 and they feel the same as I have been feeling. Added to those feelings of inadequacy, grief, failure is one that plagues us more than any other. GUILT. I am carrying a shit load of guilt with me. Guilt that some friends never got the chance for #1 (or are still on the long road) guilt that I never needed IVF for #1. Guilt that I am taking the easy road by not seeking IVF for #2. Guilt that I have one gorgeous little girl and that, that should be enough.
As yet, I don't know how I am going to reconcile my feelings on all this. I figure I will just write and write until I start feeling ok about our decision. Until this point, I have been focused on finishing work and getting the big operation out of the way. I have three weeks now until the operation, and a lot of thoughts to process in the meantime. A lot of work to do on myself, my home and my relationships.
Life is giving me a new beginning... I don't want to screw it up with thoughts of what if.