Monday, July 18, 2011

Time Out & moods

I'm currently having a much needed time out with a chocolate-custard donut and large cappuccino (compliments of my husband, driving right past Wild Bean & Krispy Kremes) while there is plenty of housework to be going on with, it will still be there in an hour or two when I've finished my blogging for the day.

Since my appointment last Thursday, I have been traipsing along quite well for a change (& it's been blissful!) I have been taking on board things that were said or suggested and I have been trying to incorporate them into day to day life. One thing that keeps coming back to me is happiness - and I think therein lies most of my problems. During my first appointment, I had to fill out a sheet to pinpoint my levels of Depression, Anxiety and Stress; I will admit to being somewhat dubious as to whether you can really obtain a true reading on these sheets due to a womans normal mood levels. The questions, all relate to the time 1 week prior. I had PMT that week. Uncontrollable, pure fury and as such a lot of my answers were probably higher than what I would do normally on say a week like this one where I am mid-cycle. I also found a lot of the questions, I probably would have rated higher incidence of had I filled out the sheet 6 months ago while I was still working, balancing life and getting the bad news of the operation. Or even filling it out one short week later, after my last Doctors appointment (I was NOT in a good way!) My scores were not all that surprising to me. I am in the normal range expected for Depression and Anxiety and my stress levels are partially elevated but not overly so. When asked if this surprised me, I told my pschyc that in a 7 day week - I am ok for at least 5 of those days; so I already knew I wasn't depressed. My anxiety / panic attacks were really only playing up when I was working (but I was under a bit of stress & pressure - PT job, FT workload & the environment was a little dicey at best - against my own emotional wellbeing; well it was only natural that I had a build up of anxiety! I think work wouldn't have been as bad had I not been dealing with so much already? Maybe)

So that brings us to the question, why the heck am I going to a pschycologist?

It's something that I've been asking myself and I think I have come to the conclusion that I just want to be happy again. I know deep down I will always have some degree of sadness clouding my senses should we not be able to have anymore children; but I want to learn to live with that. I don't want to smother my feelings & be just sad forever more. That isn't the way I want to live. And it's not what I want my family to live with either. I want to find my happy place and I want to embrace it. That's why I am getting therapy - to remind me that it's ok to be sad, it's ok to let myself grieve for what I never had and that eventually it will all work out to be ok.

I have 2 weeks between appointments and I have decided I am going to make a list of ALL the things that make me happy and I want to start incorporating them into my day 2 day life. Whether I just do one thing each day or many - I want to re-program myself to actually enjoy life again. I think all too often we get bogged down with everything and say tomorrow, I will be happy tomorrow. When really - let's take the bull by the horns and be happy TODAY!



1 comment:

Melissa Jane said...

I actually started my blog as part of my therapy for anxiety. It was something I decided for myself that would be good, as long as I used mostly to try to focus on the positive stuff. Have fun being Happy!