Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Anxiety

I love Christmas. I love the trimmings, the food, the time spent with family and friends (the more the better) and I love the presents. What I don't love this year is the Anxiety.

One comment… made a week ago, has had me in a heightened state of anxiety most of the week. A comment that was a throwaway and was probably nothing more than just a passing comment. Yet to me, it's cut to the quick. It's left me feeling edgy, cranky, stressed and I don't need this. I really can't cope.

That's the (not so) funny thing about anxiety.

Once suffered it lies dormant forever more. Awaiting that moment it can release it's ugly tentacles upon you once more. I stupidly thought I'd gotten a handle on my anxiety. I'd pinpointed the areas that were pushing the anxiety to the edge and I had covered myself and my feelings with a thin protective layer. I backed away from those who thought they could pass judgement until such a time I could cope within (and even then some people were just far too judgemental & have since been slowly removed from my life.) All this protection. All that therapy. Delivered a false sense of security and had me believing I had cured myself of Anxiety. Yet here I sit. It's 12:50am, I am wide awake with that comment rushing through my brain, my brain is trying to counteract & deal with it but it keeps rushing. Around and around. It's stuck on a loop in my head and with it the feelings I had managed to suppress for so long have all come rushing back. My heart is pounding after spending the week clenched tight as though it was held in someones fist… my first signs of an impending attack.

Rather than lie in bed tonight and let it continue it's destructive path upon me. I came out to write about it. I'm hoping that by letting it go and putting it down on paper screen it will let me out of it's sticky grip and I can go about my merry way once more. Always in a perpetual state of calm before the storm.

As for the crux of the matter and how I go about fixing it. Well there really is no quick fix. This is something I've dealt with for many years and will continue to deal with for years to come, I've never quite worked out how to manage the situation so I usually don't say anything at all. THIS is my problem. By not having the appropriate balls to say something, others go on their way none the wiser that they have hurt me with their underhanded and off the cuff comments. To them it is nothing more than what they say whenever they want.

And in the bigger scheme of things, the comment at hand probably didn't mean anything at all. Yet to me, I sit here and continue to mull it over.


Lillie McFerrin said...

I can relate to this so much. You've described it very well, too! It's that thing on your chest that weighs a billion pounds and you can't shoo it away no matter how hard you try. It's really frustrating when I am going over and over and over in my head a simple sentence someone says, that they've no doubt not thought of anymore, but my mind won't let go of! Know you're not alone! Best of luck to you!!!

Unknown said...

My heart goes out to you. Just the pressure of the xmas season makes my head thump and my vision blurry. I hope you were able to get some sleep and feel better the next day. Wishing you a relaxing and Merry Christmas.