Thursday, June 14, 2012

I had a moment…

Putting this here incase it happens again… and gosh I really hope it doesn't.

I was awoke suddenly yesterday morning with a sharp pain in and around my abdomen. Well actually it wasn't all in my abdomen looking back on it after the fear subsided it was mainly in my chest cavity (under the rib cage) and along my lower gut (above the bikini line) it felt like a cross between a period cramp and trapped gas (similar to that, that you sometimes get post operation) but this pain also had that feeling of needing to pee and holding on for far too long. It woke me with a start and I rushed to the toilet. I sat there cocooned in pain, it was excruciating so I bent forward because for some reason I immediately thought gas + wind = need a great big *ahem* you know what… but nothing happened. All that movement did was make the pain worse, I could feel the beginnings of reflux / heartburn and I stood up as I felt I was about to throw up (and after last weeks date with the toilet bowl, I didn't particularly relish another night spent hurling!) I glanced in the mirror and watched as my face grew whiter and whiter and suddenly I was thinking should I lay on the floor, sit down, throw up or rush back to our bed. I was on the verge of fainting when I made the decision to take the four steps needed to return to bed. I collapsed waking my husband in the process "honey I feel like shit" I may have even thought for a moment I might have been dying (the weird things that go through one's head when you think it's the middle of the night!) of course hubby was immediately attentive asking what had happened. My head was roaring like an ocean pounding it's waves upon me. It was downright scary.

Within minutes of lying in bed, my head calmed, the roaring eased and apart from a few stabbing pains I ended up rolling over and going to sleep. 

I awoke an hour and half later feeling completely fine. No upset tummy. No gassy wind. No dizzy head. Just completely normal. 

It was WEIRD! And TERRIFYING. 

After chatting to a friend, she wondered if it may have been a panic attack or anxiety attack and though at the time I couldn't pinpoint what would have set me off, she suggested that I may have been dreaming (and not remembered any of it) that set the ball in motion. It could well have been just a case of IBS (even though I don't suffer from it, I do get a lot of residual issues as my endo is located right next to my bowel - thankfully not in it.) 

This conversation got me thinking that everything here has been on a pretty even par lately, so much so that I'm not due another shrink appointment until August. But then I remembered… over the weekend we heard a heap of sirens, which isn't unusual in our neck of the woods considering we live near "retirement island" ;) but then MIL rang and mentioned they could hear a tonne of sirens near them & a helicopter (they live 10mins from us and as they live near the water we initially wondered if there was an incident on the water) anyhow about an hour later we popped over to visit them and soon discovered the cause all the sirens on the way. A car accident in the 90 zone split lanes, we only glimpsed a car in the ditch and a tonne of emergency crews standing about. And a white sheet.

Even though I only glimpsed a small portion of the aftermath of the accident, my body amped up my anxiety and I was feeling physically sick and my hands shook for sometime after. This is my usual reaction to seeing any type of accident - whether it be a small bingle or major incident. Even the sound of brakes squealing can set me off. I am working on these feelings and until then had felt I had been getting better at controlling them.  

An hour later it was confirmed by the media that the accident had been a fatality :(

I can't be sure, but I wonder if subconsciously my mind was filtering this while I slept as I am trying hard not to put too much emphasis on it when I'm awake. It seems to be the only thing that would 'shock' me awake like that. I think also it hit a little too close to home. You know what they say about accidents occurring close to 'home' well my accident was on the highway just out of the town I grew up in. I struggle every time I drive that highway and I have been known to avoid it at all costs. One thing I learnt in my therapy sessions is that the my fears have manifested my accident that happened on a rural road and by by avoiding certain situations it has fed my anxiety / panic attacks. Country roads. 100Klm speed limits. Night driving. Animals. The last two had absolutely no relevance to my accident but my fears have become fears on top of fears. I currently live in a semi rural area, it is a 100klm speed limit from our front door to the city and I can handle that, I've lived here nearly 10 years I am used to this road.

This accident (on the weekend)  happened on a spot of road that I drive past at least twice a day to take the girl to school. Although I am not thinking any different of this road I drive twice a day, I fear that if I let this fear unravel, I will lose this one road that I had previously felt relatively 'safe' upon (and I use that term loosely - my issues stem from roads not being safe at all… but this road I feel marginally safer on - it's my home road) it probably doesn't make sense to the outsider, but for me I am learning to recognise my fears and not let them grow and encroach on me. So for now I am letting it go - I will NOT let another fear evolve so I decided to write it all out. It's here in black and white. I have nothing to fear.

After writing the bulk of this last night, I managed one of those deep sleeps and feel so rested today.     

           

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