Thursday, June 7, 2012

when it's raining

For many years I have lived by a small quote I found when we were trying to conceive our only daughter. I remember vividly the day I found it and I wrote it with great pride in one of my journals. Though limited in words, it packed a punch in so many other ways. It is one quote that has always resonated with me and one I believe always will.

To see the Rainbow, we must endure the rain…  

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Other people have their faith.

Me… well I have my rainbows.

These days whenever I see a Rainbow I usually have my only daughter by my side to ooh and aah along with me and it never fails to bring a smile to both our faces. I endured the rain not once but twice and I came out the other side, a wee bit muddier for my troubles but still intact! As I left work last year, I turned into one of the little side streets and before me glowed a Rainbow, glorious in it's colours I simply had to take a photo to share with my little girl when I got home. 

Last month marked the 12 month anniversary of my last major operation. It feels weird to count down milestones such as these. It also feels a little surreal because 12 months after my big operation back in 2006 I was 3 months pregnant with a gorgeous little girl who is now 5! My how time flies. I could of course fall to pieces and flail at the world with the "Why Me's" and "it's not fairs" but I find that I've managed to move on from those thought processes. I guess I've come to the harsh realisation that our path in life is different to what I had wanted. I stand here on the other side of that rainbow and I finally see my pot of gold is THIS.

My life. With my princess, my husband, my dog. Each of them make up all the colours of my rainbow and really if I had to admit to myself, I want for nothing more.

We could talk about strength and wisdom, of those I feel I have developed so much more after my trials of the previous years. If only I didn't have to fall so hard to remember that. 

This time last year, I couldn't bare pregnancy announcements on Facebook; I couldn't bare seeing ultrasound pictures or tummy photos. I couldn't see past the whining of mums with multiple kids saying how hard it it. I was living in a pretty enclosed shell, one I didn't like because quite simply it wasn't me. I wanted to be the one to say Congratulations and actually mean it. I wanted to look at ultrasound pics and goo and gah over them. I wanted to rub tummies and tell those mummies that it's all ok to complain at times. I just couldn't do it.

This year… I have befriended my cousins girlfriend (I've never met her in real life) and I am genuine in all my comments on her ultrasound pictures, I love seeing pictures of her tummy, I even did stats on when I think the bub will arrive.

This year… I congratulated new births, I cluck and coo over little babies pictures - especially cute ones wrapped up in crocheted rugs ;) 

This year… I see how hard it is with more than one child and I try to understand and offer support. 

I feel much like a hermit crab, emerging from it's shell. While I'm still looking for a new 'home' to belong, I find myself surrounded by people who genuinely care about me and I feel I can finally be myself. I can rant at the injustices of the past, but I can also embrace my future with whatever that may hold. 

I've come so far in one short year.   

So the big question… where to from here?      

Well - I think It's time I learn to dance in the rain…  

1 comment:

LittleWhiteDove said...

Well done. Dance your hardest, laugh as you spin, and know we are right there dancing beside you xx