A bit of a deeper, more personal post tonight.
I don't really like to prattle on about my issues with anxiety on here. Partly because I have friends who suffer from it far worse than I. Partly because sometimes I still can't pinpoint the trigger points. And that frustrates me because without a starting point; I have no control and without control, my anxiety rolls on in waves.
This week started off on the back foot and I have been struggling ever since to play catch up. Mondays for me are my vacuuming and mopping days. Okay, I'm going to admit it right here - I am a lazy sod. I do my floors but once a week. Disgusting huh? Every other day just seems to have something going on and I can't seem to find the time (nor do I make them a priority) so they stay until Monday.
THIS Monday we had book week parade at school. So I am worked up trying to get out the door on time, girl in costume (praying on the way that the others in her class are also in costume… I know… serious issues I have about dress ups tracing back to daycare days and the lack of input by other parents ;) lucky I had the right day, everyone else was dolled up to the 9's and I made my way to the hall to watch the parade.
1.5 hours later it was finally over, then back to the classroom to change our kids back to school uniform then as we were leaving 2 of the school mums invited me for coffee. "But my floors" I say; "they can wait another day" they say to me. Who am I to argue with logic? And coffee people. I love my coffee.
I arrive home well after 12pm. The floors mock me and I tell myself that I have no time now, I will finish them AFTER school pick up.
I could feel the tension rising. My heart hammering away faster than normal. Then Swimming lessons put me further on edge. Came home. Dinners. Baths. Bed. Sit and try to combat the anxiety.
Tuesday rolls around and all day. I feel as though bile is racing back up my throat. My heart hammers louder still as I run to and fro, groceries, errands, fathers day gifts. I arrived home to (welcome) visitors, and again find myself facing the floors. After 12pm. Again I convince myself I have NO TIME. I will do them after school. THEN I get a brainwave - brilliant idea. DH says he would take the girl swimming that afternoon, I would stay home and do the floors then.
That didn't happen. Miss 5 decided that she REALLY wanted mumma & dada to come swimming with her. Sigh.
By this stage, I was on tenterhooks. To the point that I stole away for a solitary shower and took some Rescue Remedy (which pretty much drops me on my arse every time) dinner was eaten while surfing Facebook and I stumble over the news that an old school mate had died. From what I could gather I think it was a car accident. The sad thing is I had been following said accident since it happened on my old stomping ground and when I saw it was a man from another town I sighed with relief. To then find out 48 hours it was someone I knew. It really knocked me around.
And there's the thing. I hadn't seen this bloke since school. I remember him best from primary school. Obviously with my issues on car accidents (more on that one soon) And his age. My age. Relatively young. I feel really sad about his passing. Really, really sad.
So the Rescue Remedy went into overdrive, attempting to calm my already rattled but now shattered nerve endings.
My floors remained dirty.
And I did what any girl under undue stress does; I went out for a coffee first thing Wednesday morning. As you do. Then ignored those blasted floors once more.