Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Finding MY Place...

Facebook, if nothing else, offers diversity in life and friendships. My feed is a mishmash of different people and different lives. While some slowly wile away the final few days of pregnancy anticipation of their imminent arrival of the new babe; another sits with her husband, child free and sips coffee while watching the world go by. Babies have been born and babies are being made. Some have finished their families and some say goodbye, all the while still aching to one day hold their own heart. 

I sit and ponder life as each new update flickers across my screen before me. 

And I wonder to myself - where do I fit? 

My life at the moment is full. I can't think of a better word than that to describe it. I love everything about my life, my home is full of love and my family fill my heart. I have everything I could possibly need or want at the tip of my fingers and right now.... All of it is just perfect.  

Yet a little voice questions deep within me, is this ALL.

Fitting in. Such a simple concept. One I've struggled with in recent years as I walk balanced along the edges. I can't say I don't 'fit' anywhere, because I do - in other areas. But when it comes to the baby thing. I just don't fit. I never have. Except for 6 short months before I fell pregnant with Miss K. 

I've been feeling increasingly anxious these past few weeks and it's all culminated in tears today. 

Many little things have slowly added to this feeling until today it exploded from me and I realised once more just how deeply the pain of infertility affected me. I had honestly started to forget the pain and anguish. 

Today that pain and anguish bit me in the ass like the proverbial. 

Tomorrow I will put the lid back on, smile my brave smile and rejoin the land of happy.

Today I am wrapping myself in cotton wool while I mourn all I never had.    


LittleWhiteDove said...

I couldn't go by with not saying anything, but then I don't know what to say. It breaks my heart to think that I haven't been exactly helpful with your recent struggles. I won't pretend to know what it's like, you know my journey and it's only a fraction of the heartache you must feel. Just know I am here for you when and if you need a shoulder to cry on. Ewe nose eye luffs ewe!!

Alissa said...

Oh my wonderful friend, I too couldn't go past this post without saying something! I'm here for you anytime you need, while you cry on Miss Dove's shoulders I will wipe those tears away, and offer my shoulder when you have soaked hers! I luffs you too!