WARNING… After a few days of struggling, this (extremely long & wordy) post is about my on-going health issues. I'm in a bit of funk and I'm not looking for sympathy nor a quick fix - I'm just having a woe-is-me moment. I'm writing it only that I need to get it off my chest as well record a few things for future reference. I promise to be back on track Monday, with a brighter post.
For the past week I have been really struggling with my endometriosis. Toward the end of last week my hormones kicked in and my PMT raged out of control. I always know its bad when I start yelling at people when I'm driving. Not my ordinary day to day yelling. This is blood curdling screeches combined with very bad language. Most of which you would not repeat in front of your mother ;)
Last Sunday it reached breaking point. My whole family… including the dog… did NOT want to be around me. It was even suggested by my (usually better) other half that I should have perhaps stayed home from our family outing. My reply to that was I need peace. And Quiet. Ironically… I didn't manage to say this piece - quietly.
All through the week I have been feeling worse and worse. Pains would niggle at me - not needing medication, but enough to stop me in my tracks and take a few deep breaths. The fatigue arrived late each afternoon - the thought of making dinner every bloody night just floored me and I admit that there has been at least one instance of takeaway with likely another tonight. So? Sue me now or grant me bad-motherhood status, I don't care much either way. This is me - surviving.
On Wednesday night a change of routine and my mind just couldn't cope with anymore. After uttering numerous cuss words under my breath and rushing about tidying the house… not to mention I burned the frick out of the couscous. WHO DOES THAT? I was absolutely SHATTERED.
Then there was night after night of bad bad sleep. Light sleep. Dream ridden.
And headaches. Every morning.
And all this… before the wicked witch arrived. And arrive she did today - but not before suffering un-imaginable pain late last night.
Pain I can usually manage with the help of some heat. A piping hot shower. A heat pack. A blanket. And some nurofen. It was ok until I went to turn the lights out at 10:30 then it hit me like a truck. I popped a couple of nurofen and curled up around my warm heat pack feeling every inch of pain. Searing pain. Pain that felt my insides were being ripped out and left one hip burning. Half an hour and still the nurofen hadn't kicked in, so I nuked the heat pack until it was burning hot - imagine pink and purple marks across your tummy… it was that hot. And I finally drifted off into a restless sleep sometime after 12.
Today its been more manageable with nurofen, but it has left me thinking. After a teary discussion with my hubby, I've realised that this is NOT normal. I feel like death warmed up for nearly 2 weeks of the month and with the short cycles of 21-24 days - it leaves me just over a week of feeling normal & now I've been getting pains around ovulation for several days as well. For the past 18-24 months I've put my head in the sand about my issues. I've not wanted it to rule me and I've reconciled that if I won't go on medication as per the Doctors orders then I can deal with the resulting pain. Its a choice - perhaps not the ideal choice, but it was MY choice.
Yet when I'm feeling so beaten down and weary with battle, I just want to give in. It makes me wonder whether I'd be far better off going to have a hysterectomy NOW? At least I could close the chapter and move on. Yet it terrifies me still. I'm not ready to leap into that unknown just yet. I'm not ready to close the book on this chapter. Can I keep enduring the pain and what can I do to live alongside it?
For the next 3 months - I've decided to try a mixture of Chinese medicines and natural remedies.
Both recommended to me at the local health food shop. The Women's Balance according to the leaflet supposedly does the following:
* Balances the menstrual cycle
* Relieves premenstrual symptoms
* Eases Cramps and period pain
* Reduces Headaches and sweet cravings
* Alleviates heavy bleeding
* Relieves mood swings and irritability.
Is it bad that I can tick each and every one of those symptoms? For an invisible disease, it has a major impact on women and its hard to explain to those who do NOT experience it, how I can become a completely different person each and every month.
I am going to monitor myself daily for the next three months and see if these make any impact on symptoms.