Saturday, February 15, 2014

I am…

I am… Mother

I am… Wife

I am… Student

I am… Teacher

I am… Housecleaner

I am… Worker

I am… Writer 

I am… Stuffed

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Yet it is only mid way through February. This week I dropped the ball (well this whole year I've been dropping the ball - always, always lamenting I would do it tomorrow) but this week in particular hit me. It wasn't so much chasing my tail as just stopping short and not being able to function full stop. Every time I sat and considered all that I had to do laid out before me, I started to feel hemmed in as though to start one thing would just become an avalanche somewhere else.

This week has told me that I can not be 100% at everything in life. This week I tried to be 150% Mumma bear with my little girl who struggled due to a few unforeseen circumstances. There has been tears on both our parts; hers on the drive home from school and at drop off. Mine because my words of comfort to her are breaking my heart - I really want to say what's on my mind. BUT words of that magnitude would send a ripple effect down the line and I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with the fall out. Likely it is ME over-reacting to the situation as there seems to be no affect on the girls wellbeing. If anything it was a lesson for ME to learn as we walk these unknown years together.

In putting so much emphasis on trying to do the right thing for my girl; I have let everything else slide - even to the point we forgot the school spelling test and she got a apparently (according to her) got a dismal result. Can we start over?  

My studies were stilted due to plaguing headaches.

New after school routines to navigate as we introduce another after school activity and balance the homework expectations with a new timetable. 

Work became a series of future discussions; and finding common ground forward and whether we want to take a gigantic leap into the unknown. And a greater understanding for me, that what I do *is* important. So often we undervalue our own worth and I needed to start looking at the bigger picture. I am… many things.

I sort of sucked at being a wife. Hearing his words and taking them at face value when he needed me to just shut up and listen. Sometimes working together is a real bitch. Realising that sometimes we both need to be heard and that is is okay to disagree or misunderstand. And to expect a week like that to wear us both down and spend a quiet night in watching TV and reading rather than a candle lit dinner to celebrate that day about red hearts.  

Lets not even go there with the housework, piles of washing to be folded, mountains still to be washed, floors and general clutter. My routine sucks. Today I clean. Except for the mere under sight that it is now 2pm and I haven't started yet! And the tupperware cupboard is doing my head in. My friend suggested I stand back and throw and shove the door shut, except I tried that and it fell out of the shut doors. Half of the containers are living in my spare washing basket in the living area until I find the mind space to tackle the cupboard of doom.

This week was a wonderful week for me to reflect back on all my issues and realise I am… just me. Its never going to be a perfect fit, but for as long as I can recognise where my past mistakes lie, the future is there to make up for those misdeeds.  

1 comment:

becanne said...

I have the same plastic cupboard. Was going to empty it all on the floor and re stack but the floor hadn't been swept or mopped for...?
Spent ages yesterday preparing a special anniversary dinner and then woke up at 4am with severe gastro.
Thankfully I'm the only one with it so maybe not food poisoning.
We also added soccer to swimming and scouts and after one week we are wondering how to manage dinner and homework three nights a week
And the job I loved a few weeks ago has suddenly become awful. I'm sure it wont last but for the moment I'm the target.
So I understand a bit how you are feeling.
K will grow up to be a strong, capable woman just like you
For the moment hold her, love her and teach her how to fight. And that to not be perfect is okay, we all fail at different things sometimes. It is more important to be kind to yourself.