Wednesday, May 14, 2014

{just keep blogging}

Hold the boat - I do believe I've found the secret to my lack of blogging lately.

~ Just keep blogging ~ Just keep blogging ~ Just keep blogging ~

This week & hopefully in the coming weeks, I have decided to commit to 3-4 posts minimum (today's post will be number 3 for the week) mainly because it seems easier when I just jump in and DO and WRITE. Rather than sit about moaning and groaning and making lists of all the reasons why I DON'T…

Not that I intend to stop making lists - lists are FUN!
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Even better are lists on pretty notebooks and in RAINBOW colours! This will DEFINITELY help to keep me on track for the week ahead!

The past two days I've been contemplating this rut I've found myself in and I know from previous years the only way forward for me is to work my way through it & usually that means airing what's in my head on this blog. This week (incase you didn't notice already) I've felt a rise of anxiety - that groundhog day I mentioned that is happening in my attempted novel - well its bitten me on the backside at home too. Each day I feel as though I am on constant do-over. I get up and I rush to get to School, I rush home and straighten the house (only for it to go all crooked later that same day) I have a coffee dot on 10:30 and I have been spending that coffee time this week by folding the washing and watching a TV Show. Its been good down time for me… yet I find I turn to the clock at 11:15 when the shows credits roll, my coffee cup is empty and I don't recall drinking it. The next day the to be folded baskets are FILLED to the brim… again.

The past three days I've walked around muttering to myself all the things I want to be doing
* I want to write in my journal.
* I want to write my novel
* I want to read faster
* I want to study more
* I want to do some art journalling
* I want…
* I want…
* I want…

Then I tell myself that I can want as much as I darn like, I should be doing the needs first. I *need* to study. I *need* to keep on top of the housework. I *need* to work more days than I can fit in now.
Somewhere in all that I lose myself, it all becomes too much. My mind shuts down, my heart races and I avoid everything. Including the fun stuff.

Some days later I sit here at my computer contemplating the clock as it ticks ever closer to 3pm and pick up time for School. Lamenting all that I haven't done. Worrying about how to fit in after school routines amongst MORE homework and now Piano Practice, but still balance that with playtime. I yearn for a better nights sleep & worry for the dog who is so old he mixes up his nights and days. I write in circles of all that is going on in this delicate little head of mine and leave you all spinning in my wake of rattled thoughts.

Slowly from this exhausting spiral I emerge. I put 905 words down on paper - words that are entwined in my story and ones that will open up new roads of story telling. I continue to fold the clothes and drink that coffee each morning and be thankful for simple tasks that though on high repeat mean I have my family and I am looking after them. I ignore the freshly vacuumed floors that now yield this mornings breakfast and a few extra dog hairs. I work through my muddled and tired brain and finish the invoicing I should have done a week ago. And finally I sit down with my study books and pretend I DO know how to write poetry and pretend that I don't really care if my novel will never be a best-seller.


In the end - all that really matters is that I remain confident in myself and take solace in knowing that everything will happen when I eventually get to it. If only I FOCUS.          

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