The past few weeks I have been feeling the need for a change; perhaps it is because I can finally see the end of this long study journey I have been on. I have but a few assignments to finish and submit in as many weeks. For the next three – four weeks it will be head down, bum up – writing like a crazy woman and crossing my fingers that I can achieve half decent results in my final few assessments.
With the forecast easing this mad pressure that is weighing me down these past several months; I have spent the past few weeks musing on life and of all the things I have been neglecting of late.
In particular I can feel a huge shift in ME. For so long now I feel I have been going through the motions of life; searching for a balance that I’ve not yet allowed for myself. In my younger years all my focus was work. Then I was living and longing for baby number one. After she arrived, I focused on achieving the next baby. That focus shifted into studies. All I have managed to do is throw myself from one thing headfirst into another without stopping to think, to heal, to consider, to be ME. While each of these decisions were for me - there was still something missing. I’ve always crammed in MORE and MORE and MORE.
While there hasn’t been a single moment that has changed my outlook; there were a few things that were the catalyst for this new yearning. A recent death of a “Social Media Friend” managed to shock me to the core. The saddest part is we weren’t close, I knew nothing of her battles and I daresay she knew nothing of mine – we knew each other in another time & it is only thanks to Facebook that I am even aware of her life in recent years and now of her death. This has only added to my conflict over Facebook and has made me more determined then ever to use it constructively. And to interact with my “friends” in more meaningful ways.
I’ve been doing a lot more personal writing recently and am finding I am better equipped with getting my thoughts onto paper than I have been in recent years – again the interwebs took over with my blogs, twitter, forums, Facebook. I’m definitely NOT leaving these – rather putting each into perspective. I am using each constructively and managing my time more effectively so I can spread myself around.
And I’ve finally started reading the Spiritual book that I had earmarked for last years 13 in 13 Genre Challenge.
For the record – I am NOT turning Buddhist. NOR does this book really go into the Buddhist religion all that much (yet!)
This is the first book that has prompted me to get up, grab a pencil and start underlining words and passages. And writing notes in the margins. It is already making me see clearer the possibility of living a more purposeful life for ME and of making ME a better person. Ironically I first purchased this book way back in 2011 when I had hit (my) rock bottom. I had thought at the time that reading about happiness was exactly what I needed. Except I couldn’t face the words inscribed on each page. It is only now when I feel most content in life that I am reaching for these same words and using them as a way of growing myself.
Perhaps all this chatter about change is just an age thing. A mid life crisis if you will… without the fancy sports car! Lets face it I’m not getting any younger, and maybe these musings and ponderings are just the beginning of the next phase in my life. It entirely possible that these will become my next big focus but for once I am not scared of the what ifs. All I’m feeling is pure excitement.