Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Calm...

Calm Blue Ocean

Two things happened the week before my operation that made me stop and think. 

The first was a long walk along the beach with my bestie, talking as we do best and a lengthy conversation about my operation. 

Before we took this walk, I admit I found telling people... really bloody hard. More often than not, silence would descend over us as the other person took in the magnitude of my decision. In the end it was easier NOT to say anything for fear of making them uncomfortable. And truly I am the QUEEN of uncomfortable conversations. 

"Oh you have endometriosis... what is that, I've never heard of it." 

"Oh its a disease where each month you bleed outside of the uterus and it causes extreme pain and heavy periods" {shortened version to save THEM being more uncomfortable}

The mere mention of periods are a sure thing to halt a conversation. 

During our walk I chatted to my friend and she mentioned to me that I am so direct about my issues and that she thought I was so brave and strong. I sort of joked it off by saying "What you don't think I am a gigantic drama queen?" because some days I feel like I sort of maybe am; for the record she said no, she thought I was nowhere near drama queen status!   

but... I keep a blog and write about it openly for crying out loud (though my reasoning for sharing so deeply on this blog has always been to help other girls not feel so alone during their own battles) 

I rolled these words from my friend around for a while. It is sobering to hear people offer you a different view of yourself. So it was I found myself in my psych's office a few days later and after chatting for a while. She interrupted me and said "You come across as a really calm person. The way you speak and deliver what is happening to you. I do suspect that underneath that layer of calm you are caught in a turmoil of emotions." 

I stared at her for a nanosecond before replying - YES underneath my calm exterior I am an absolute mess. My thoughts jumbled and criss crossed together and I didn't know where one ended and the next started. The anxiety I was feeling about the impending operation was adding to this. My biggest problem was how I went about letting these feelings flood out of me. 

Tomorrow I am two weeks post operation, I am still outwardly calm but I am starting to spy breaks in my armour. If I never showed my hand how can I expect more from people? I wonder if I hadn't acted so calm approaching this operation, would they realise that my emotions run that much deeper than mere words can possibly describe? Have I done the right thing by shielding them from my tears and witnessing my pain? 

Yet on the other hand there are some bloody awesome people who have stepped up in ways I can never ever repay. They are there for me when I'm having a bitter moment. They cry with me when I'm having a shitful day. But even then, they are not being shown the full extent of my emotions. Because I try to be wary of how much I lean on them before they get sick of me turning into some weird crazy arse drama queen. (& do remind me to come back and share the cereal incident!)  

Yet this calm exterior threatens me with every moment I spend alone. Late at night when sleep eludes me, during the day when I escape to lie down for a much needed rest. Tears prickle at my eyelids as  the magnitude of this operation smacks me between the eyes all over again. 

While I might look "calm" on the outside. The real pain is lurking on the inside. As my seared and chopped up insides burn as they fuse together and slowly heal. As my heart hammers loudly within my chest. As my head and heart yearn to say goodbye, but simply don't know where or how to begin that epic journey.        

4 comments:

Rachel @ The Barefoot Crafter said...

Who could be sick of you? Lean away, my dear, there is no such thing as OTT on this shitty road you are on xxx

Sarah said...

I don't know what the answer is Car. I'm a person who tends to keep things in too because I think that if I look like I'm coping then at some point it will become true. I think, listen carefully to yourself, if you need to share, to cry, to rant and rave then do it. You will only be drawn to do this with the people you know will understand and maybe it is what you need to do. Share here if it's the best way for you, we have broad shoulders and we care. x

Kylie Purdie said...

You know I generally find those who think they are drama queens are as far from drama queen as you can get. I've learnt in the past few weeks how important it is to share you emotions - all of them. The happy, the scared, the grief.People can tell when you are not being genuine. Stop worrying about what people think and simple go with what you need. The people who value you and want to help can't if you don't show yourself. Accept that what you are feeling is grief, is real and there is no wrong way to do it. Let those around you help, they want or they wouldn't offer.

Kylie Purdie said...
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