Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Being a Mum

On Sunday in Australia, all around the country mothers were opening gifts. Some extravagant. Some small & cheap; gifts handpicked by little people from a mothers day stall.

As the day began, I awoke to my very own little person - hovering over my bed ready to hand out a million cuddles and a billion sloppy kisses. As she held me and stared at me adoringly, smiling as she planted yet another wet one on my cheek, my heart constricted.

*THIS* this is what mothers day was all about. It wasn't about me being pampered. It wasn't about me opening a million gifts and receiving breakfast in bed. It was simply about my little girl, wanting to shower her mother with love and affection.

This isn't to say I wasn't spoilt. Far from it - the family went over and above with their gift giving.

My handpicked "Mothers Day Stall" Gift

Yeah be jealous - my handpicked gift rocked my socks off. Especially after I had a very serious question posed to me earlier in the week "If you had your choice of pens or washers what would you pick" silly me, took me sometime and several counter questions of what "pens" and "washers" have to do with each other before it clicked that this was super duper 8 year old secret squirrel business of high priority. It should come of no surprise I answered with PENS.

As I opened my Facebook - my feed was overwhelmed with mothers day messages. Some of them were absolutely beautifully written but I could not bring myself to post a similar message myself. I may be super blessed to have the chance to be a mum, I was very aware of several people on my feed who have never had my chance. Instead I have spent the past two days trying to put into words my experience this year.    

Mothers Day typically has always been just another day (not surprising considering we don't really "do" valentines day or anniversaries etc. We "do" birthdays and Christmas with style though!) So this year as a small pang of sadness coursed through me and made a tear or two roll down my cheeks, I was surprised. The reality of my recent operation settled over me in that moment as I realised that *this* is and always will be my future. I will only ever be a mum to one. Though sobering as that thought was - I also know that this is ok. My daughter is the best of the bunch and I am so bloody lucky to have had the opportunity to bumble my way through this thing called motherhood.  

Surrounded by little feet

In my moment I also realised how far I have come. Four years ago I was facing another major operation, my relationship lay on unsettled ground and those little feet (above) were smaller but growing bigger by the day. Four years ago I was devastated at the road I felt I was being forced along. I yearned for something more. 

Today I have left (yet another) major operation settling in the dust behind me, those little feet keep getting bigger and have left a footprint bigger than my own seared into my heart and soul. My relationship is stronger than ever and I finally feel as though I have chosen my new path wisely. It may not be the one I envisaged but I am excited to trust my instinct and keep on following it.  

Mothers Day this year was about the little person in my life and as the sun set in the sky, I sure as heck made sure she knew it. She went to sleep with a smile on her face declaring it to be the best mummy / child day ever. I also drifted off with a smile, happy in the knowledge that I am ok.   

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