2015 really kicked my arse to the curb. As it did with so many who took to Facebook to say good-effing-ridance to a bitch of a year.
While I did share a couple of major things that were forcing me down throughout the year, there were many many undercurrents swirling between the lines that kept me shackled. Everything wound together until I was left holding one great big ball of crap that weighed heavily upon every fibre of my being.
I tried therapy, but therapy works better on one issue at a time.
I tried writing it down, but writing works better one issue at a time.
I tried talking it out, but talking works better one issue at a time.
You know how onions have layers. My ball of crap had so many layers it needed to be frogged.
It is ironic really - I chose the word WEAVE for 2015. Thinking I could weave all the areas of my life into some semblance of balance. It was the year I needed this the most.
However I failed to account for the several months of healing and the months upon months of grief upon grief. I did not realise that all my issues would WEAVE together and create this huge ball of crap.
Toward the end of the year I started tackling each problem as one issue at a time. I wrote pages upon pages of words about my hysterectomy. Of losing a useless (to me) organ, of how I felt I was less of a woman and how I was searching for something in this now vapid space in my stomach.
I watched as a friend endured a transplant and was amazed at the way she bounced back ready to face life and live it to its fullest.
Meanwhile I'm over here *waa *waa *boo *hoo.
I seriously started questioning myself after seeing her. But that's just it isn't it. Adenomyosis is NOT a death sentence. It's merely an invisible disease that most people haven't heard of. Nor could they even begin to comprehend the sheer pain it causes + a variety of side effects that are not "linked" however have all but disappeared since my operation.
After much soul searching in the two months since I last wrote, I considered closing the chapter on this blog. I mean I am now over it so what more can I say or do, without sounding like a whining moaning little so and so. I do not (& have never wanted to make this about me) however feel there is more that needs to be said and shared.
Ultimately I want to help others, to show them they are NOT alone. That what they are going through is not all in their heads. To show up and say I am a survivor and to share the extreme isolation you can feel when you are booted from the "invisible disease club" to "you are missing a uterus but hey look at this new baby, isn't it cute club"
So I am officially taking 2016 and am planning to RISE above the stigma of talking about womens health. I am going to take back this space and stamp it with ME and my stories - gore and all. Heck I might even just publish my memoirs here - including where I get all ranty with my medical team (KIDDING!) and maybe just maybe amongst all the ashes I leave behind me I will find my creative writing once more.
As to how I plan on doing all this - I have zero clue. I might even change my mind next week. Or I might not. What you will find here in 2016 is anyone's guess, I'm going to trust in my words and let them shape my journey.
But there will be positivity.
Heck LIFE is for LIVING!!!