Monday, July 25, 2016

Something changed...

April 1st was my one year anniversary of my Hysterectomy. Lets call it my hysterversary. I have struggled to find the words about how I feel about it. Some days I wonder if I should move on from it and place the entire fiasco firmly in my past & forget about, but it is also one that I want to honour because it played such a huge part in my journey.

One year on; physically there is no stopping me.

I can walk 4klms return in less than an hour without breaking a sweat (okay so I do tend to breathe a little harder on the return journey - totally blaming my sinus issues on that! And maybe my thigh muscles do begin to scream at me)

It doesn't sound like much huh?

Before my operation I could never plan on weekly exercise because the pain was too bad. The bleeding was too heavy. The fatigue enforced full days of couch rest.

Now I have a weekly walking date with a friend and the only things stopping us are:

1) really windy days where you can't feel your face

2) wussy dogs who when faced with the above mentioned wind, lie down in the grass and expect you to carry all 15kgs of them.

3) magpie season.

I am the healthiest I have EVER been and now nearly 16 months later I have zero regrets and honestly wish I did the operation sooner.

Emotionally I am cruising, I still feel as though part of me is missing (well duh) but I am no longer groping for the missing pieces. It is as though an acceptance has floated over me and I am co-exisiting with an empty room. (I can no longer use the term "empty womb" because there is no uterus)

It would appear I can joke about my situation without all the tears too.

Mentally is a little harder to get my head balanced. I still have a lot of grievances, anger at the injustice and residual pain from those long years of infertility. It has been a real struggle to move from that never ending spiral that defined the old ME to the new ME.

Over the past few months since my Hysterversary; something changed within me. I have shed all the tears I am able to cry. I feel nothing when seeing pregnancy announcements, big beautiful pregnant tummies, newborn photos. I have accepted that our path to single child parenting was as it was meant to be; I am not happy about the way shit fell, but I am no longer grief stricken. I have stepped into the Acceptance phase of my journey of grief and that is okay. I know within I do have a longer journey ahead of healing fully, but I am grateful to be exactly where I am in this journey for today.

Tomorrow may well be a different story.

2 comments:

Skipper said...

You are doing so awesomely, Car! Well done! It's great to see you experiencing your life in this moment with joy and gratitude. I'm proud of you! xxx Skip

becanne said...

We parents of single children have been given such a mixed blessing. Not sure if I will ever be fully okay with it.
However, lately J has been dropping some non-too-subtle hints along the lines of 'Did you know that on a cruise you can....', 'Cruise ships have all sorts of cool stuff like...', 'Did you know you can go on a cruise to Fiji?' and then the downright blatant 'Mum, we really should go on a cruise'.
And you know what I said the other day?
'Yes J, that is a good idea. I think we should probably do that sometime soon'.
And that actually feels really good.