Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The anger...

I have no desire to talk to anyone at the moment. I've literally closed down in that one area that is hurting way too much to process. Anyone who was previously aware of what was happening are no longer in the loop as I turn toward my writing and away from well meaning comments that really if we need to be honest - hurt like fuck.

So for the record and for the next person who asks... I am NOT having another baby. Not now. Perhaps not ever. I am officially unable to continue trying for a baby naturally (doctors orders, until the sutures are checked and pass muster) after that I will be on some form of Birth Control Pill. Effectively if taken continuously this will kill any chance of the endo growing back and it will kill all chances I had of falling pregnant naturally. No, I am not happy about this course of action. I feel as though my choice, my life has been dictated by the Doctors. I have passed the teary stage of recovery. I find myself fully locked into the anger side. I am pissed off. Incase you are wondering, IVF is not an option for us - personally - don't ask.

This may seem harsh, but I need to work through this myself and this is how I roll. I've had some ridiculous comments made to us and finally it has gotten ALL TOO MUCH. I can't cope with stupid comments. While you may think your comment is nothing, think before you speak. On this journey I've had many 'well meant' comments aimed at me and while they ordinarily wouldn't bother me, today they will. So think before you speak and know that this is just another stage I'm going through. No I am NOT jealous. I am NOT worrying about this because it's just something minor, perhaps it's minor on the blip of your radar... but for me it's all too real and painful. People you know that are dealing with this too, have nothing to do with my journey. Please don't compare me to others. My journey is all consuming and I don't even want to hear the good news stories. I can't cope with them. Fuck. To give you some idea of the irrational thought processes I am going through, I found out about a pregnancy in the daycare newsletter last week. BAD TIMING... I DID NOT need to read about that after my appointment, I was pretty emotionally wrecked.

The problem is - my journey does not compare to what this girl has gone through (and trust me, if you knew exactly what she had been through recently you would think I was the worst person in the world, I should NOT be feeling this way... I am so very ashamed to admit it now) but I couldn't help it. It stung. A poisonous barb coursing through me & I couldn't control my anger, my fear, my sadness. For me. Yes this infertility caper is very self absorbed and sometimes even I look back on things I say or do at times and wonder if I'm just over-reacting. The answer in my calmer moments is usually "it's not so bad, next time you will cope better with that sort of news." I know that I am not the only one who has feelings like this at times and I know that a lot of us usually won't speak up and just say what's on our mind for fear of repercussions. But what's the point of pretending that everything is hunky dory when it obviously isn't.

The old saying "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is on repeat in my head and I try to assure myself that these words spoken in jest, in support, in lieu of having nothing better to say may not hurt on a normal day. Days that I'm left floundering they do hurt and I feel wounded. Perhaps you are thinking I am over-exaggerating this, but honestly I'm not. I'm putting it out there because it's a common thought process we have at times. Such is my life and the depth of my feelings. I cannot see good news for what it is. One day eventually I will be able to see clearly again. But right now. Right this second. I just can't, it's too foggy.

Don't judge me. This is just me... being real. Anyone who has been on the infertility path will understand this to some extent. While you think that I maybe harsh in my thoughts toward others, this is precisely what I struggle with the most. I am not normally a bitchy person (well not too much) but I would never confront someone, nor would I want to say something that may hurt someone intentionally... I am deeply compassionate. And for that reason - it makes me feel so much worse to be thinking such horrid thoughts about others.

* Postscript *

This is a bit all over the shop, I am combining things said to me and just spewing out my anger - better out than in. It's not necessarily anything that has been said to me recently either by email, comment or phone call. I am just trying to share a little of how horrid this journey can be. Most woman will compress these feelings and not share them, but you know what - these are just some of what goes through our minds. It's a dark place to be and un-explainable to the un-knowing. I mean you think about it, you have a child - you decide one day let's have another. Most couples WILL conceive within 12 months with regular timed sex. The odd couple that don't, may possibly end up on the tail end of Assisted Conception. Sometimes it happens so quickly for that couple, that they don't have anytime spent waiting. Waiting to have blood tests. Waiting to have dye flushed through your tubes. Waiting for an operation. Waiting to recover. Waiting to have yet another operation. Waiting for recovery. Waiting for drugs. Waiting for ultrasounds. Waiting for a baby. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. THIS is just my journey. Both times it's been 2.5 years before the Dr's will look at us for a suitable candidate for treatment. All because I have endometriosis. A disease that generally responds well to operations, heck I know people who have fallen pregnant post excision operation while on the mini-pill. I know people who have fallen pregnant with 6 months of their excision. I know people who have fallen pregnant whilst waiting for IVF. I know people who have fallen pregnant while waiting for the operation. NOT ME. I still wait. And it would appear that my waiting was too long and all in vain. It's about time that Drs wised up about endometriosis. My two doctors (who I have complete and utter respect toward) are both stumped at times as to what to do next. Perhaps clomid will work for you. Perhaps you should just try naturally. Perhaps you should do IVF. There is no rhyme or reason because simply put - they just DON'T KNOW. If the Doctors can't work it out - how are we as individuals supposed to?

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