Sunday, June 5, 2011

Small Steps

After having several days of tears (which I am solely blaming on the Anaesthetic ;) I am officially over the emotional roller-coaster that is this road I am on. For the last 9 months or so, I have been focusing on one thing at a time. Focusing on finishing my job, focusing on my DH's work, focusing on each appointment as it came around, focusing on each operation and so forth. This has been working for me to some extent, but then this week... I found myself cast aside, adrift and lost. There was no focus. Everything to this point had been done, I had gotten through it and now was the time to move on to that next step of recovery and I wasn't ready to face that. This was when I started (mistakenly) focusing on the bigger picture and it sent me spiralling. After some soul searching, a long three page word document typed late into the night and subsequently no sleep, I came to the realisation that this wasn't helping. I was at breaking point and not happy. I need time to recover from this operation and to stop being so darn cranky at what isn't going right in my life. So after much thinking and surprisingly no tears last night, I have worked out that I am approaching this all the wrong way. Here I was thinking I had to face the big future as a whole... but I don't.

So from today on, I am focusing on the small steps once more. I cannot do anything until my next appointment mid July and I don't want to be all tied up in knots over something I cannot fix 'right now' So my motto is to just focus on my recovery between now and then, I have many things that keep me happy and I have every intention of throwing myself into these things that make me happy. I will still be writing because I know that I will still need to be here recording parts of the journey but hopefully after having some time off from the whirlwind that is my brain, I may actually be able to make sense of my thoughts and start sifting through them.

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