Thursday, July 14, 2011

The bigger picture, writing & finding me!

While I made the decision some time ago to go live with this blog {I know, I've already mentioned this fact numerous times} what I didn't realise at the time is that I have found my bigger picture... perhaps inadvertently. You see I am a long time blogger, but I'm also first & foremost a writer (not published) with a dream ~ I yearn to write a book. This is probably nothing new to anyone - every Tom, Dick and Harry in blogland that I've stumbled across yearns to write a book one day. For me, personally I have always wanted to write a book, but I've never known what I could write about, nor what I am really passionate about and I never knew where to start. Until now.

Well I lie. I completed an online creative writing course a couple of years ago and I enjoyed it. I felt alive, participating in writing exercises and getting feedback and constructive criticism back from fellow aspiring novelists. Gee that first bit of real constructive criticism hurts doesn't it? To make it worse, I had submitted a piece that I just sat and wrote. I pressed the submit button before I even read it back to myself and one lady in particular picked it to pieces. What really hurt the most was that the piece in question was about my late Nanny. I wrote it in those raw days just after she passed away and the lady who picked it to pieces was a lady from my home-town (I had met her online during the course) and she knew my nan. I was devastated and put off writing completely. Thinking I lacked that vital ingredient to actually turn it into something utterly delicious. Throwing myself out there and putting myself on the line and being shot down made me want to retreat like a turtle and give up on my idea completely.

Several months later, I re-read both my story and this ladies criticism and it made perfect sense. Seeing it clearly through another's eyes and not my own grief was inspiring, but alas the class had long finished and I found myself back at work (part-time contract, full-time work load) and the story languished. Unfinished. Untouched. It remained frozen in time, but an idea niggling in the back of my mind. I had no oomph to finish it, but it still remains my dream to finish this. It's a story I feel should be told and I think personally I will probably gain a lot of strength and recovery from it.

These last few months, since making the decision to go live with this blog and putting myself and my inner most feelings out there - slowly gaining followers and joining the weekly writing group every Wednesday and receiving feedback from the lovely girls (some of who are so kind to send me lovely messages on my not so happy blog posts - thank you girls) I am discovering that my writing is where I want to be. I have realised that this blog, these words, my story - this is my bigger picture. Whatever happens in the future, I have a story to tell here and I am damn sight going to attempt to combine it into one helluva of a book. I will probably never have the guts to publish it - because honestly, who would want to read my story (unless I get myself a happy ending) but the idea; it's planted itself and it's been niggling at me these past few weeks. It is my recovery. It is my strength and it is most of all MY story. I started a simultaneous word document that has 6,000 words and I have every intention of participating in NanoWriMo come November. I may not get to 50,000 and more than likely I will burn out (and I probably won't have a 'story' to be telling by the time November rolls around) but this seed of an idea IS my bigger picture, the one thing I can focus on that is not all too consuming or overwhelming for me.

My writing is about finding the ME. The ME that I want to be. The one I once was. No matter how hard the struggle, there is always a bigger picture of focus and I may well have found it. Even if it remains just a dream, it's giving me focus and I am going to embrace that and see where it rolls me.   

1 comment:

Selina said...

Great stuff Car, you are inspiring, keep it up.