Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Step 1... asking for help!

I've had this stiff upper lip policy to asking for help. Usually I don't do it {unless I know that the people I am asking for help from will benefit from said help AND get some enjoyment from it} I don't ask for physical help (though my hubby would agree to disagree with this ;) nor do I ask for mental help. I {thought} I had an inner strength like no other and I thought after dealing with primary infertility - there couldn't be much more life could throw my way. That's where I thought wrong. Secondary Infertility bit me on the ass. While I tell myself that the infertility side is just the added fuel to the fire... it's the endometriosis crap I'm being dealt, differing opinions to hubby that have combined to make it feel that much worse. Feelings of complete failure from my initial infertility journey (TTC#1), the guilt of having succeeded once - YET still be feeling this way when perhaps I shouldn't.

I'm fighting it all internally & it's ALL too much for my mind to cope with. I have gone as far as I can with my own healing and I can't for the life of me find a solution that isn't just a bandaid fix. This round-a-bout is swinging far too fast for me to make sense of anything right now. I don't know what to do next. I can't force my hubbies hand and insist that we do Assisted Conception (I'm not that type of woman) nor am I willing to traipse down that lonely path alone... being where I am mentally at this stage in time, would be a sure fire way of ending up in a straight jacket in a mental institution (just kidding... my depth of emotion is nowhere near as bad as that!!) Currently I have no fucking idea what the doctors want. It changes every time I ask. I want a straight answer. Straight to the point. No fucking around. THIS is what you should do. Perhaps IF I had that... I could actually start plan for the next step. Right now... I'm just lost and frustrated. Do I just do as they 'sort-of' suggest and use a continuous birth control pill (even after doing some reading up on it as well as hearing some not-so-great stories from my acupuncturist?) or do I just lose it and say - my body, my life, my choice?

All of this and more whirs through my brain and I keep coming back to it... all this angst for a baby. Please tell me I'm not completely fucking nutty? Is this really worth it?

Last week I bit the bullet & went to see my GP and I asked for help. I requested a referral to a Psychologist (having already made an appointment for this week) and after a lot of tears (mine) I have now been registered on the Mental Health System through medicare - which basically means I get 6 appointments & a medicare rebate back on each (and so I fucking should... I only just found out today that Medicare safety net is for OUT OF HOSPITAL only... I swear it was everything several years ago - this means is I have forked out close to $8,000 upfront and my out of pockets stand at over $5,000 - because in-hospital is NOT covered in the safety net, I won't go anywhere near the safety net this year *sigh* not that I should complain, but it would have been nice to know... I had been banking that this last op would have sent me over the safety net and it would have eased some of the future medical bills - oh well... I will get off my high-horse now)

After much back and forth I finally decided that I could either struggle to find a way through this by myself and most probably end up doing a lot of major drinking nights (most of my emotions are released after a big binge... I seem to lose all inhibitiions - in a good way) but the thought of multiple hangovers doesn't hold much lure for this 34 year old body of mine. So other than stay on this round-a-bout with no stop button and keep revolving around the same spot, my only other choice was to see a professional. Speak with someone who can guide me & maybe help me to see the forest for the trees, because at the moment I sure as hell can't.

On a brighter note... I am not depressed! My scores on the sheet were relatively low. I admit to having a whole new appreciation for those ladies (& men) out there who struggle with depression daily & can still sit up & blog about it honestly. Personally, I have struggled with writing this post & am still fighting internally whether I will hit publish & reveal this other side to my whole 14 followers. I have been feeling weaker (for admitting I need help) yet stronger (for seeking that help) Admitting to myself that I needed that help to see things clearly was as difficult as admitting it to the world wide web. However this is part and parcel of my journey and my recovery back to normalcy will require staying true to myself and my feelings.



Sarah said...

Oh Car, what a horrible place you are in right now.

I have so much admiration for you.For your strength and your determination which is why, although I could cry for you right now, I'm pretty sure that in time you will find your way through this.

I'll be thinking of you. Sending you a virtual hug.

Sarah x

Janelle said...

Good on you for seeking help. I really hope, and am sure, that it will do wonders.
And good on you for hitting 'publish' in the end and sharing.