Thursday, July 7, 2011

Step 2... First session + Writing...

I have had my first appointment with my Psychologist; the day prior I was feeling burred up inside a bad combination of PMT AND Anxiety about the upcoming appointment, however the day of the appointment I felt pretty good, I didn't cry during my session (that was probably due to having had a bigger blubber-fest on my dear hubbies shoulder just before I left home thus having no more tears to shed ;) and the appointment was ok. It was OK that I am getting help. It will be OK in the long run. For the first time in many months I can see things a little more clearly - which is just plain weird because we really didn't cover much ground. It was basically just a question and answer session of who my support system is, what my issues are, what I want to get from therapy and touching base on everything that has happened. Though she didn't actually give me anything to work on or go toward she did help by giving me some insightful words and this has given me something to work on before my next appointment in just over a week.

One very pertinent question that she asked was "How did I deal with Infertility the first time around?" Pertinent because I've never really thought about it like that before. This time I have been so caught up in the moment, so caught up with my body failing me, caught up with having different thoughts to my husband and cursing the doctors that I haven't really just sat and said to myself - how the fuck did you survive this before? The big difference was - I wrote back then. In my journal. I wrote EVERY day (more-so over the last 6 months of that journey... so during the pretty nasty pointy end) and that is what helped me survive and conquer. The power of Words. My words, written through my pain, sometimes just the idea of writing to keep me connected somewhere is what helped IMMENSELY. This journey though? Well I have this little space that I opted to go public with in the hopes of helping others; but here, I hold a part of my soul back. I'm here, but I'm not fully here in the moment. In my journal (hand written)... I don't hold back. If it needs to be said - I say it. My personal journalling has slowly been phased out, either being too tired, too emotionally drained, already having written it here... all leads to blank pages. This has been going on for nearly 2 years now :( I have written and every line starts with - oh dear, I need to write more. I might do 2 - 3 days, then I dwindle off once more. It was all too hard and yet I can now see that I needed to be making more effort, however when there just wasn't enough of ME to go around, it was one of the first things to stay on the sidelines.

I came home from my appointment to a quiet house. I sat. I wrote. As I wrote, I felt good. Though there is no quick fix to my issues - I drew on a strength that had been missing for so long, I'd forgotten it was even there. I know eventually everything will pan out in the end, but for now I am so happy I am taking these steps right NOW. I'm recognising after only one session, to pinpoint the toxic areas, weed out the shit and focus on ME and what better way to do that than to write.

While I won't be going into full detail of any of my sessions (and that includes when I'm speaking with you... if you know me IRL) I am intending on recording some of those *lightbulb* moments... I am holding no illusions that every appointment will be as easy as this first one was, heck am already freaking about the next one as it's in the city and in an area of little to no parking - that just sends my body into a mega overdrive of anxiety (but that is for a whole other can of worms!!) I'm finally just happy to talk to someone who agreed that it has indeed been an emotional roller-coaster over the past several months.


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