Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Up and Down... bloody roller-coaster!

Truly starting to feel my life is a bloody roller coaster. Up and down, round and round. Never stopping. This morning has been a rush to Acupuncture (running 5 mins late because of the traffic) no time to sit and chat about the last fortnight, I barely had time for the points to go in and the moxa to burn off before it was time to get up again and rush into the city for my next appointment (final follow up with Surgeon) this time I was 5 mins early. Less than 20 mins later I was back in the car and heading out of the city toward home. Rush, rush, rush!!!

Well I wanted answers today and I got them.

It doesn't mean I have to like them :(

A quick wrap of my appointment; my internal stitches have healed well and looking good. There is some pain when he put pressure along the stitches, I am hoping this will reduce with time - however on a good note, it is a damn site less painful than it was when the nodule was hanging about. I have the all clear to resume relations once more (with a warning that I probably shouldn't be hanging off the chandeliers LOL... ok so he didn't actually say that, but he came close to it ;)

I am left with 2 options as I have stated previously (and forgive me for re-capping on this once more, it's been back and forward and round about for the last several months and answers have changed time & again, enough to make my head spin) so my {ONLY} options are:

1. Birth Control Pill - continuously (ie skipping the sugar pills) with no end date in sight. This bothers me a whole lot (apart from the whole... you can't fall pregnant when on them) in that I wonder just how safe it is to skip the sugar pills (effectively stopping your period) month in, month out without stopping? It is definitely something I want to research and I'm thinking that perhaps I will do only 6 months at a time and speak to my GP about my concerns. I am not feeling confident or right about this option, but am also feeling as though, at this stage it is our only option.

2. Fall pregnant - soon. This option I do like. What I don't like about this option is the trying to get pregnant - for me it's not that fucking easy. I've not had a hint of pregnancy since falling with my daughter back in 2006 and that was the only time I had ever seen 2 lines on a pregnancy stick. It has been strongly suggested that if I want to fall pregnant (with Assisted Conception... ie IVF would be out only option) then I would have to look at doing it soon as I'm now 34 and he said it will be so much harder & difficult to fall pregnant should I leave it any longer. It was at this point I nearly broke, while I blinked back the tears, I said well that's no change, it's been hard enough as it is up till this point.

Great choice, from one end of the spectrum to the other - IVF or Birth Control Pill. I skated around the possibility of doing nothing & allowing the endometriosis to mess with my body, but he said though the final decision was up to me; that option wouldn't be a good idea for me or this disease.

The way I see it - if I want to be back on the operating table in 5 years time, I ignore the doctors & live with the pain. Meanwhile I hope like heck a miracle comes along SOON. If I want to avoid the operating table (which there are NO guarantees of anyhow) then I go on the pill (or convince my DH to give IVF a whirl) What to do? What to do? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My heart is telling me one thing, my head is just all over the shop once more.

The other thing that was mentioned today was IF I do go ahead and have a future pregnancy then he strongly suggested I book in for an elective C-section as the work I've had done in my nether regions was reconstructive and it would be a great deal safer to birth a child by c-setion than the old fashioned way. This has bought up another whole can of worms for me, I am not phased in the least of how a baby is born (at one point my little girl was booked in for a c-section, which later got cancelled) what is bothering me though, is that this just seems to be another kick in the head. Sorry, by the way - don't go trying to push out a baby naturally. Yet another scar to add to my existing 9 would be rather cool (and I said as much to the Dr today) but to have the choice of birthing naturally taken away before I am even pregnant is another nail you know? Just another thing I'm not allowed to do naturally. Something that other woman get to do (I know, I know - other woman have c-sections and cope just fine; it's just at the moment I don't have a hell of a lot of choices left for ME to make & those that I do have a fast being taken away from me and it's just adding to my building fury) Then of course there is the added worry that IF I do fall pregnant will I be able to carry to term... I have asked this before and was assured that it shouldn't be a problem. Then there is always the what if? I can't help but worry that perhaps this is the sign I needed that I shouldn't be doing this.

Fuck me - seriously - I'm planning on coming back as a man next time around.

For now; I don't need to make a decision right this second and I really can't, too much is rolling around in my head. I am back to being angry once more and I'm hopeful that time will ease it. All I do know is I am steering clear of all things Drs and fertility for the time being... I've truly had it with them all.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Of course you're angry Car, having your choices taken away is the most incredibly frustrating thing in the world and it's very unfair.

I hope that time does help and that you are able to come to a decision that is the best for you and gives you everything you want and deserve.

Take some time out if you need it. A decision may need to be made but it doesn't need to be made today or even tomorrow.