Wednesday, August 24, 2011

You spin me round, round, baby right round...!

BOO! I'm not sure if you noticed, but I've been AWOL over the past few months... A combination of this continual and never ending roller coaster of anguish plus looking inward and re-discovering the joy of my handwritten journal left not a lot to be said here. What was to be said felt sad and depressing; I got sick of hearing myself moan and groan and I thought that there were far more important things in life to be sad about and I ended up losing confidence in my own words and having to take a step back to let it all go. I've missed the weekly writing sessions with the Girls from Write on Wednesday... again I felt my writing was too maudlin to be shared each and every week. With that first negative thought niggling in my mind, my internal monologue turned and I just stopped. It saddens me that I stopped that weekly writing, I felt I was really turning a corner particularly after I wrote my musical piece... for the future, I need to learn to stop berating myself and just be going on with it all. The words will come if I don't pressure myself too much.

My journal and I have been spending a lot of time together mulling things over and its been wonderful therapy for me to get re-aquainted with it once more. It's funny how you don't realise how much you miss things until they are no longer a part of your day to day life. And it's that sentiment that has brought me out of hiding once more. I miss this space and while I have no idea the future nor where this little blog may be headed, I can't quite bring myself to close it down as it is suiting a bigger purpose for ME personally and it is the core of my future dreams ~ my bigger picture if you will... so for now, I am desperate to get back here & regularly update this little space. I envisage there will still be posts on Endometriosis, Infertility and daily life plus I want to do more writing exercises, whether or not I link those exercises will be my next step. For now... Cold feet be gone!

There is so much to update, 2 months of ups and downs though more ups than downs as time goes by. I am really feeling the end of winter blues - I am so desperate for Spring to arrive & notice my moods tend to swing in line with the weather. Give me a nice sunny day over the gloomy clouds ANY DAY! I have a dozen un-published posts (all of which had cold feet syndrome) that I'm not sure I will ever get around to sharing... I might start by trying to go back and re-reading past words written & start afresh with those drafts. For now though, life seems to have settled - I haven't seen a Doctor in nearly 2 months and though I will need to see one eventually; for me right now, it is re-freshing to be FREE!

I'm fully recovered from my op, the scars are still quite red and I imagine it will be another 12 months before they fade to little silver slivers. I have no recurring pain in or around the scars and I know deep down that my Dr did a damn fine job (it's been a long road to admit that... I've been so angry at the medical profession of late) My internal stitches have healed well, I've had one moment of searing pain that I don't wish to repeat but all in all, if I go easy with certain things (*wink, wink) I wouldn't even know they were there.

Pain during my period on the other hand... O M GEE... I went into this operation with absolutely NO expectations that it would cure the pain. Having had a similar op back in 2005 and having had the worst period pain since then, I knew that when the new Doc said 'there is no guarantee this will fix the pain' that he was speaking the god awful truth. For some, unfortunately there is NO relief for endometriosis - even when they don't have any active disease. I am one of these unfortunates. The first 2 cycles post Op were painful (but very expected... considering the work I had done inside, it wasn't surprising) the next was ok (and when I say Ok - I mean a very basic OK compared to what I usually experience and probably only a 4 / 10 on the pain threshold, when normally I would say I get 9/10 or some months 10/10... also keep in mind my 4 would probably be classed as really frikken bad by someone who never experiences any pain with AF. It was an all day niggling, dragging, everything feels like it will fall out type of pain... as I said pretty basic pain for me) I had hoped that I could do this. I could put up with the pain and live with whatever the doctors dealt out to me WHEN it returns. Until I got the next one. A firm 10/10 on the pain scale. Dragging, numb legs, searing red hot knife feeling deep in my pelvic bone. Not enough heat to ease it and living on round the clock nurofen (ibuprofen) for 3 days straight. So bad I hovered over that darn Birth Control Pill that is sitting in my cupboard and very nearly took it just to stop the pain. I didn't though, until this month. This month I had had enough (cycle 5 since the op... remembering I only had the op at the end of May... less than 3 months and I'm onto cycle FIVE!!!) enough was enough, I popped that bitter little pill.

Sick of the pain. Sick of the period. Sick of being a girl (if we need to be frankly honest). I'm not sure this was the smartest of decisions... I guess time will tell - but I will admit to feeling quietly a teeny bit excited about the thought of NO AF for the next 3-4 months. Stay tuned. I'm sure I have a whole spiel of words about that little blue pill.   

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