Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Lost for words

I found myself at a cross-roads today, I was asked (for the first time in a long time) about having more children. Confronted with such a bold question... one which most people who know me well enough and who have some inkling of my immediate past health woes have dutifully avoided, it was almost refreshing to have those words uttered to me. To have someone who didn't know and wasn't scared of my reaction to ask that question. Of course it also left me reeling, I babbled a few words in answer and tried to cover my pain with a poor attempt of thinly disguised humour (actually in hindsight, it probably wasn't even humorous... the whole convo feels like such a blur) but it left me with some lingering questions. Doubts. Wondering what I should have said and questioning what I should be saying in the future when this happens again - because I have no doubt that such a question WILL come up again sooner or later.

The person who asked was once a good friend, now we are just strangers & communicate through work ~ the conversation took this turn as they are now expecting a 2nd child & well that's where it usually leads when that subject comes up right?

Them - You have 2 right?

Me - Aaaah, No - just the one.

Them - Oh. are you having another.

Me - Umm, no I don't think so.

Them - What, Why.

Me - {blase tone} oh It didn't really happen for us.

Them - Oh {silence} um {more silence}

Me - {babbling now} yeah I had some health issues.

Them - Oh shit, is everything ok? What was wrong?

Me - Just some womanly problems  

The more I answer, the more the questions keep on coming, or the more I feel the need to fill in those awkward silences. THIS is the bit that has me unsettled. I don't want THEM to feel bad for asking because truly having a 2nd or even 3rd child is perfectly natural in most cases (expected in some peoples pee-brains). However I'm not sure I want to (nor should I) get to the point of having to blurt out 'woman's problems' just to put an end to an awkward moment, because by that point everything in me starts to churn once more, I feel anxious and I question whether I have chosen the correct path for us right now. Maybe it's just right now that is the problem, having only recently started the Pill, I'm feeling a bit in no mans land, hovering between 2 lives. I need a line that is a straight, no bullshit answer.   

Previously when we were TTC our first babe, I had a stock answer especially for those strangers who had to ask when we were going to hurry up and have a baby together. It hurt a lot to answer this way but it made the conversation a damn sight easier on me & usually the difference between having to fight back tears or feeling the urge to walk away fast. The line would cut people down in a millo-second - "DH is shooting blanks" (even though this was completely and utterly NOT true) but it would be enough to stop them asking anything further, quite possibly either in embarrassment (or perhaps even what they perceived as sick humour) was enough to stop them asking anything more. A bit harsh, but at that point in time - I was protecting ME (and them from having a blubbering fool on their hands) Now though? What do I say? What would you say in my position?

"it didn't work out"

"we tried our best"

"my pipes are rusted & old"

I guess in time, it will get easier and I will work out what I need to say when confronted with situations like this. Today was just awkward timing.

1 comment:

Sannah said...

I have a couple of friends who have had endometriosis. One of them I haven't seen for ages, and have just heard about it.
The other thought that she would possibly never had a baby, and then by chance conceived. It was then more than 7 years of trying before she had a second. However, she was always very up front about her condition. Her reaction would be a simple 'I had endometriosis, so may not be able to have another, we will see how it goes. I found that this reaction was really enough for most people. Some people would say they were sorry etc, but more people were just quite interested in the condition if anything. She was matter of fact about it, so it made people more comfortable with the answer.