Friday, October 9, 2015

I am in the Blog Wars

For three months I have walked into my office, sat down in my chair and after fighting to clear a space on my desk, I have sat and stared at the blank screen before me. 

Some days I have written a lot. Others very little. Then I have hovered my mouse over the "PUBLISH" button before hitting save and walking away. 

I have 14 unpublished posts. Over 4000 words of (I want to say wisdom... but more than likely they are just dribble) All of which contain everything and nothing. Each day I come here with renewed hopes of finding my voice and splashing it to the very corners of my blog. And then fear consumes me and I wilt away from the computer and turn from my words. Instead I turn inward and I write freely within the secure place of my journals. Last week I started writing in the 4th notebook of the year. Granted they are only 64 pages each but they are filled to capacity with words and colour and quotes and ME. Mostly they are filled with ME. 

Today enough was enough. I sat at my computer and I copied all those unpublished words into a word document. I then saved it under my personal (& unfinished memoirs) and then I returned to my draft list and I deleted every single one of those suckers. 

I feel so free having done this. 

Today I can start fresh with new words and hopefully I can resume regular blogging here once more. Uncensored words which I feel is the reason I have feared publishing so many previous attempts. While I have been writing deeply personal posts, I have been holding a part of myself back until I could no longer face this space and I let the fears overwhelm me. 

And that people is precisely my biggest issue.... OVERWHELM. 

In ALL areas of my life I am overwhelmed. 

My house is bursting at the seams with STUFF. 

My diary was missing vital information and I was ignoring the everyday STUFF that needed to be done. 

My life is full of appointments and STUFF yet I feel I am not advancing how I should be. 

It arrived at a point where I was ashamed to come here. I call myself a writer but I don't write. I call myself a blogger but I don't blog. I call myself an advocate for endometriosis and I fear sharing my own story.  

Then I begin to doubt myself wondering who the heck bothers to read my dribble. Am I really helping ANYONE or am I just talking to myself. Do I change the direction of this blog or do I let it take its own path to a destination unknown? 

It is these questions that keep repeating themselves over and over. And I realise today that I am effectively in a blog war with myself. Today I decide to win this war!  

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I read it Car and I get it. I've had periods of time where it all just seems too overwhelming. I write posts or part write them and then just loose the thread and the point of what I'm writing and I doubt that anyone would want to read what I have to say. That's normal! The fact that you keep writing anyway even if you don't hit publish means that you ARE a writer. Don't feel that you have to write for something or someone, write for yourself either here or in your journal it doesn't matter but when you do visit here just know that we are always happy to see you x