Wednesday, December 28, 2011

With Distinction!

IMG_1362

I submitted my first Creative Writing assignment late November. Usually a 3 week turnaround and not knowing what happens with Christmas holidays for an online College etc I didn't expect anything until well into the new year!

Well blow me down when I found my assignment returned the Friday before Christmas AND I scored myself a Distinction (2nd highest score, between 70-89%) I am beyond excited with that result. From the beginning I had told myself I would be happy with a mere pass (which is 50-59%) due to my earlier in the year lack of confidence issues… so to get this result straight out of the gates - I am thrilled! Plus it's given me a boost of confidence for the next assignment which I'm hoping to get cracking on over the holidays if I can escape to study some afternoons!

A perfect end to an otherwise spectacularly crappy year! Bring on 2012!!!   



Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Anxiety

I love Christmas. I love the trimmings, the food, the time spent with family and friends (the more the better) and I love the presents. What I don't love this year is the Anxiety.

One comment… made a week ago, has had me in a heightened state of anxiety most of the week. A comment that was a throwaway and was probably nothing more than just a passing comment. Yet to me, it's cut to the quick. It's left me feeling edgy, cranky, stressed and I don't need this. I really can't cope.

That's the (not so) funny thing about anxiety.

Once suffered it lies dormant forever more. Awaiting that moment it can release it's ugly tentacles upon you once more. I stupidly thought I'd gotten a handle on my anxiety. I'd pinpointed the areas that were pushing the anxiety to the edge and I had covered myself and my feelings with a thin protective layer. I backed away from those who thought they could pass judgement until such a time I could cope within (and even then some people were just far too judgemental & have since been slowly removed from my life.) All this protection. All that therapy. Delivered a false sense of security and had me believing I had cured myself of Anxiety. Yet here I sit. It's 12:50am, I am wide awake with that comment rushing through my brain, my brain is trying to counteract & deal with it but it keeps rushing. Around and around. It's stuck on a loop in my head and with it the feelings I had managed to suppress for so long have all come rushing back. My heart is pounding after spending the week clenched tight as though it was held in someones fist… my first signs of an impending attack.

Rather than lie in bed tonight and let it continue it's destructive path upon me. I came out to write about it. I'm hoping that by letting it go and putting it down on paper screen it will let me out of it's sticky grip and I can go about my merry way once more. Always in a perpetual state of calm before the storm.

As for the crux of the matter and how I go about fixing it. Well there really is no quick fix. This is something I've dealt with for many years and will continue to deal with for years to come, I've never quite worked out how to manage the situation so I usually don't say anything at all. THIS is my problem. By not having the appropriate balls to say something, others go on their way none the wiser that they have hurt me with their underhanded and off the cuff comments. To them it is nothing more than what they say whenever they want.

And in the bigger scheme of things, the comment at hand probably didn't mean anything at all. Yet to me, I sit here and continue to mull it over.



Monday, December 12, 2011

The end of an era...

My baby girl, my only baby is off to prep next year (for those non-Queenslanders, Prep is the year before grade 1 but is now a level taught at the school and requires a school uniform) I am prepared for any meltdown that may occur with this huge life altering event for us. I am fully aware that I will be at home practically full time (albeit working for hubby and studying) and will not have any little people underfoot. In some small ways I am a little excited, although my life will be dictated by school drop off and pick ups - I will have that time in between for ME to do with as I will. In other ways that small pang is always there, lying dormant and at this point managed and almost accepted. I pretty much know I won't have another child. I have spent many dollars on therapy to come to terms with that thought and as each day goes by, though it still stings I feel a little more at ease I guess with my decision. I still have moments (like when this blasted Endometriosis and the darn pill sentence is playing up I think to myself if only I were pregnant...) but for the most part I am now calm and accepting of the fact it didn't happen. I no longer tear up when explaining to people that it just didn't happen.

Many, many months ago, I offered to give away our cot to some flood affected victims. I've spent the past several months putting it off because I just couldn't part with it. Not when I was going to therapy to get my head around NOT having any more children when I had always expected that we would have 2 or 3 kids and they would all use the same equipment. It was a silly little dream of mine and for that reason, I didn't call. I didn't measure the cot. I fluctuated in feeling really guilty for having offered something and not delivering to just not being capable of picking up that phone! It was a very hard few months and letting go of it (the cot) was like the final nail in the coffin so to speak about the baby subject.

I finally made that call today and it turns out she doesn't need it any longer (felt slightly bad about being so uber slack in my promise and apologised profusely… how can I explain it when it sounds so silly to myself.) so after ending that phone call I immediately phoned my neighbour and said The cot is all yours. You see my neighbours' gorgeous daughter who lives a few hours away had a little girl last weekend and is coming down to visit for Christmas and my neighbour needed some baby equipment.

They came and picked it up this afternoon, along with the porta-cot, bouncinette, high chair and are possibly coming back to collect the pram, change table and play pen. I'm not sure how I feel, my beautiful neighbour kept saying but you might have another baby. I told her quite upfront that it didn't happen for us and I don't fall pregnant easily and that was it. End of story. End of an era.

I keep telling myself that it was just stuff. Stuff that we have kept & stored for nearly five years and it was time for this stuff to go.

I feel less tied down knowing all that stuff is no longer in the cupboard awaiting that what if scenario. I feel less weighted down knowing that it's now gone and I guess like any type of de-cluttering, I am de-cluttering a part of my soul.

So why does the heart constrict that little tiny bit. I know that I can easily buy new stuff when and if the need arises. New stuff isn't bad, it just means a new era.

I couldn't hand over the froggy cot quilt that I bought. It came out ready to give away, but immediately got returned back into the storage bag :( I guess some things are more than just 'stuff'

So tonight I sit and I remember those early days xxx


  



Friday, December 2, 2011

Sick of this disease...

2011 has been the worst for me in terms of dealing with endometriosis. Two operations (one exploratory, one major surgery) several appointments with GP and specialists, weeks of recovery physically and months of recovery mentally... Not to mention the monetary side. ive lost count on how much has been spent on me and my health this year. 12 months of hell. Pain. Scars. Tears.

This morning I happily told my SIL how I've managed to manage my PMT, no periods - hallejula the pill is working.

Tonight I sit here, tears prickling as my body messes with the system and the bleeding starts up once more. 17 measly days of freedom.

I am exhausted. My body is exhausted, tonight I have felt like Ive been hit by a Mack Truck. I am extremely fatigued.

Im at a crossroad. No idea which way forward. No going back. I need to go back and talk to the Doctors again soon which will mean more money, more specialists and more decisions.

Tonight I feel too mentally exhausted to make a decision. Tonight I am wishing it all gone. Tonight Ive had enough of this disease and its ugly tentacles that continue to cause pain and angst even when you cut off its blood supply (so to speak)

Tonight I fucking hate Endometriosis.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Diary of a NaNoWriMo - day 21

If anyone can find figure out where the weeks have gone in November that would be fantastic! Honestly it only feels like yesterday that I was writing up a few extra measly words on Day 7 and not many more on Day 8. FINALLY inputed them into the computer and here is the new total!

Day 7 and 8 - Words 920
Total Word Count 11,277

Dismal hey? On the bright side though, far better than sitting on 10,000! I honestly don't know how I'm going to go finishing this challenge, with only 9 days to go and finding time and life is getting rather busy (today for example I had EVERY intention of getting a tonne of stuff done, but by the time I've managed to finalise Assignment 1 for my creative writing course and get started on another section of the 2nd tutorial... well the day is nearly gone!) It is hot, my feet are swollen and I'm bloody tired.

I did however use the short story I wrote as part of my tutorial today as some of today's word count! Actually it's amazing how out of practice you get by not doing anything for 2 weeks. The prompt today was place beginnings. Basically we had to describe a place, the weather, the atmosphere, physical description and the smell. We then had to introduce someone either casually, violently happily etc. We were advised to write quickly. I wrote relatively slowly and came up with 535 words. It's on the same story I am writing for NaNoWriMo, but it really has no particular place in the story unless I somehow write it in as a moment of reflection perhaps? I'm not sure...

Day 21 - Words 535
Total Word Count 11,812

I did promise that I might share a few snippets of my NaNoWriMo journey along the way which I haven't done yet as to be honest I've not been entirely happy with the flow nor the descriptiveness of my work... but today, I want to share a little of today's exercise


Silence enveloped her as readily as the black clouds flitted across the bright yellow sun, leaving the world awash with a greenish hue. As suddenly as they arrived a blinding white flash, attracted to the earths magnetic force bore down and the world around her was bathed in an eerie glow. Her hair stood on end as the force of natures electricity connected a little too close for comfort and the silence was shattered by the enormous overhead rumbles and booms. A deafening crack nearby was a sure sign that a tree had been struck and in the momentary silence that followed she raised her arms high above her at one with the crackling atmosphere.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Break in Transmission

So I've been going to see a Psychologist for the past several months. The first few appointments were spent discussing my health and subsequent infertility woes. It was hard work and each session I felt thoroughly drained and more often than not, in tears most of the session. I turned inward and began writing in my journal more and left this space blank. I guess I felt a little awkward because admitting that I wasn't coping and needing to see someone about it made it all a little too real. I have learnt many things since I have been going and the biggest thing I've learnt is it's OK. I'm not nuts or anything close, actually some sessions I do wonder why I'm going at all? But the reality is just having someone to talk to, who at most times is impartial has made it easier to deal with things and I have moved far from my initial visits. No longer are we spending a whole hour discussing my infertility and health woes, & while the pain of that still remains and probably always will in some small way, I have learnt to cope with what is thrown my way and no longer feel a crushing sadness that feels as though it will break my chest in two. Nowadays it's a lingering sadness, but I am looking at other ways in life to go on and accept my little family of three.

However. Now that we have worked through my initial issues (and I know those issues will crop up again eventually, at the moment I am living parallel to it - not quite accepting, but getting on with life so to speak.... far better than where I was a few months back) we have also touched on some aspects of grief that I have successfully managed to bury beneath all the other stuff; I sat at the last appointment & felt like I was about to twiddle my thumbs. Not wanting to waste dollars, I briefly touched on a subject that has been bothering me for many years now and one that I know should have been addressed when it happened. With the stigma attached to therapy and a chance meeting with a psychologist many years ago (that did not give me one iota of confidence in what they can do) I have been putting off dealing with my issues that stem from a bad car accident nearly 14 years ago.

A little background, I was 20 at the time I had a head on collision with a car trailer (which doesn't sound too bad) but at 80klms an hour and the car trailer going even faster, it managed to total the car and both my passengers ended up with broken bones. Personally I was fine, a few bruises and a small bump on my head I was very lucky indeed. However the mental side has been suppressed for years and it's only now that I am actually finally admitting that I might need help. And help I need. I have gotten myself to a stage where I won't let anyone else (except my husband) drive me anywhere. My daughter aged 4.5 has been in ONE car trip with my best friend and that was a 10 min drive only, she has never been with anyone other than my husband and I. I can't see myself EVER letting her get in someone else's car. Which may seem a little over the top to you, but I can't do it. I just can't. Thankfully most people close to me know my past and understand my reasons and they don't push the subject.

After mentioning it to my therapist, she agreed that I most likely have PTSD (considering the number of years I have tried dealing with it alone) it has compounded to the stage that if I see a car pull out in front of another, even if there is plenty of room - I will have some form of panic attack. It feels s though my heart actually stops and aches for ages after. These are fucking scary as. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy and I am so thankful that after the initial shock, it does tend to go back to normal and I feel better not long after. The only problem is these attacks have been occurring more frequently and apart from drugging myself (with Rescue Remedy) every time I go driving with DH, I need to feel safe once more. Actually it's not even ME not feeling safe. It's a fear for other drivers. It's so hard to explain. Anyhow to cut a long story short, we discussed this and it was suggested that I try EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing. I probably should have read up on it before today's appointment, but I didn't and I sat there with a ball of anxiety in my chest cavity and waited for the pain. Thankfully it didn't hurt.

Basically I had to focus on a happy place, and develop a safety word before a series of two fingers rapidly crossed back and forth across my eyes began. Back and forth, following it with my eyes. Remembering the day of the accident and then having to say ONE word to sum up how I felt that day.

GUILTY

Which is odd, I wasn't at fault in any way shape or form - I just felt guilt that I had control but couldn't control the situation & that my passengers were injured when I was not.

We continued doing the 2 finger movement and each time I had to say how I felt. A lot of the time was the same. At one stage, I felt there was light surrounding the accident scene, making it feel less horrific, as though there were a greater force at play (I have my theories on that, but don't want to go into it today) Once we had completed a series of maybe 6 of these focus exercises, we moved onto my feelings of Guilt and where I felt it in my body. Again another several series of movement finishing each with how I was feeling and where I was feeling it. At one stage it felt as though the feeling was stuck between my chest and my head. A tug of war, perhaps between what I feel in my heart and what my head tells me? Perhaps?

This went on for a while until finally I just felt tired. During the set where I felt tired, my eyes watered and I couldn't keep a smile off my face and ended up breaking focus and laughing (trust me when I say I felt like a complete loon at that point) but when I explained that I was really tired, she decided to stop as that was enough for me. For the next 10 mins we chatted about other things. Tomorrow and the next morning, I need to record any dreams I may have as this therapy can unlock the trauma and let the brain deal with it during sleep.

I'm not sure if it worked, while I've never been big on mind control I have always believed in the power of the mind and in the old days I would be able to concentrate and will a headache to leave my body or ease my body into a false sense of relaxation. So I guess in a way I am in awe of the power of the mind. I will say as soon as I walked out of the room today, I developed the hugest headache above my eyes as though the built up tension was released.

I feel drained and while I'm a long way from cured - perhaps I have moved a small step toward recovery and some hope for the future!     

ETA - Three nights later and I haven't had any dreams that I was aware of, so I guess time will tell.



Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Diary of a (failing) NaNoWriMo - day 16

Well... life and the month seems to have gotten away from me. This challenge has thoroughly whipped my backside (though quietly between how busy my last week has been as well as reaching the 10K milestone, I'm partly to blame ;)
I have not written since last Tuesday. Slack. Slack. Slack.

I knew last week would be difficult as I had booked a 3 day retreat in the mountains and while I had every intention to steal away and write to my hearts content while I was there, the lure of constant sewing grabbed me instead. I needed that refreshment and break in routine, but boy am I finding it hard to get back into it this week. My house feels more cluttered as I am only half unpacked. I'm trying to squeeze a million projects into one room & the junk room seems to have swelled in size since my return. And I'm tired.

My story while it was writing itself without thought, feels too stuffed. I took the approach this month of NaNoWriMo to pick relevant sections and write my daily word count on them. Daily word count is not a problem, but it feels like too much padding is being created? I don't know. I know I still need to learn more about characterisations and writing in conversations which is coming up in my course, but I won't get to them until well after Christmas (heck I haven't even touched my course in weeks, and can't see myself doing so with Christmas rapidly approaching PLUS daycare days coming to an end) With my conversation flow, every line seems to incorporate "he said" "she said" *sigh* I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this disjointed and saddened by my lack-lustre attempt. I probably didn't plan it as much as I should have and I know all this I'm feeling is probably hump day blues and knowing I'm now days and days behind the word count I should be at right now.

Is it just me or is November a shit of a month to be attempting this task? It's just so darn close to Christmas and I want to create and get into the spirit of Christmas without burning myself out. But I also want to write my book.

One thing I have learned in my few short weeks into this challenge is that in theory this NaNoWriMo is a great challenge, it's all about getting you writing. Actually sitting down and writing that book that's in your head. What is not so great about it is tying to fit it in and around family and life. One busy day can throw you out and then you are behind and that sort of stress does my head in (guess it's a good thing I am debriefing with my shrink tomorrow hey?) for now, I've decided to just continue writing my story. It matters not if I only write 200 words a day, as long as I aim for something. At the end of the day, that's what it's all about right? Writing that story. Word count or no.  

My health hasn't been the best over the past month either. If you've been following my story, my endo is wreaking havoc on my body and constant spotting day in, day out has left me feeling drained and oh so tired. I am off to the Dr again next week to try and find some answer and relief. I really don't want to go down the path of iron tablets if I don't have to, but my caffeine intake is steadily increasing daily and that in turn is bad for the endo too. So it's a no win situation :(

So that's where I'm at right now. It's difficult, but I'm going to keep soldiering on, just without the added pressure of myself. See you on the flipside!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Diary of a NaNoWriMo - day 8

Stepping out of my comfort zone earlier today, I did stop off at my local Zaraffas cafe and I sat down with my Grande Cappucino and my notebook and I wrote. Only about 400-500 words, but a vast improvement on yesterday's efforts of a measly 200. Remembering also I am on time constraints today being between appointments.

The funny thing is my local Zaraffas is at our local shopping centre! Once I got over my initial nerves of sitting there all by myself *shock-horror* I pulled out my notebook and thought stuff it - just write already! Many a time I have seen others sitting on their own writing, typing or reading.

It felt so exhilarating. My story flowed as I munched on some yummy toasted banana bread. I was surprised at how well I did blocking out the conversations and general shopping centre noise around me. Next time I will have to find a cafe that isn't so open. A tiny corner in the rear of a quiet cafe might be more suitable, I just need to think where I can find me one of those!

I did realise one very interesting fact about myself today though, it appears that when I write my head tilts to the left (I am right handed). Now I'm not sure why but I do have a crazy theory about it. You know the right side / left side of the brain in terms of analytical / creativeness and all that jazz, well I think that perhaps I lie my head to the left to get the information flowing down from my right (and more dominant) side. Or maybe I'm just making all this up to procrastinate and waste time before my hair appointment. I did a quick online test (on painting, which in hindsight was silly because I am not a painter) and my score came in at 55% right side. So it appears I am pretty much using both sides practically equally, maybe the head lolling is just to balance that 5% buffer across the two???

Monday, November 7, 2011

Diary of a NaNoWriMo - day 7

MUST NOT give myself a day off.
MUST NOT take my eye off the ball.
MUST NOT pretend that it's ok if I don't write anymore this month.

MUST FIND inspiration
MUST FIND time
MUST FIND perseverance

Must get off this computer and go write or else it will be a big fat FAIL at NaNoWriMo 2012, but hey did I mention I am currently sitting at over 10,000 words.
Perhaps I am feeling a wee bit proud of my efforts to date & know in my heart of hearts that I at least started it this year, so even if I don't do anymore this month, my story has started you know what I mean?

PS I am not intending to give in this early in the month, I think I'm just tired and overwhelmed with a busy week / weekend ahead of me. I just need to sit & find my flow of words once more. Perhaps I will burn the midnight oil again tonight, or maybe I will just find that half an hour in a crazy busy day tomorrow to sit at a cafe and write to my hearts content. Actually that sounds like a damn fine idea. I've always wanted to sit by my lonesome and write...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Diary of a NaNoWriMo - day 6

I am officially giving myself a day off from writing today. I had every intention to write and add to yesterday's fantastic word count, but to be honest I am all out of words ;)

So tonight I will kick back and take in some TV, maybe do a little crochet and consume a lot of chocolate.

Tomorrow I will be back with the story and as I will have a few hours spare, I am hoping to churn out double the daily average word count!

So until then - happy Sunday writing (or not) and see you tomorrow!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Diary of a NaNoWriMo - day 5

OMFG. I have just calculated yesterdays word count and I'm up to 8865 already :o sweet jebus!!! That means if I get a good count tonight, I will crack the 10,000 in 5 days - can I do it!

For something a bit different today, I thought I'd share the other things in and around the world wide web this November (well most Novembers, I'm just discovering them all now :)

1. NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month; 50,000 words in 30 days. This is what I'm attempting!

2. NaNoJourMo - National NonStop Journalling month; a prompt a day to get your creative juices flowing.

3. NaNoCroMo - National NonStop Crochet Month; from the same mind, though I don't think this has taken off yet, sounds like a good one though, don't you think?

4. PiBoIdMo - Picture Book Idea Month; I've seen a few of my tweeps finishing NaNoWriMo at a certain time of night and diving right into this one too. Eeek. And I thought I took on too much!

5. NaBloPoMo - National Blog Posting Month; as it says one post, once a day.

Wow. That's a lot of writing, journalling, drawing, writing, blogging and crochet going on in November! What I'd like to know is how many 'do it once a day' can be thought of? The mind boggles at the endless possibilities within!

I'll be back later tonight with my current word count and most probably celebrating if I crack the 10,000!!!



It's a Wrap... 
Todays' Words written - 1492
Current Word tally - 10,357     
Replenished the chocolate stash, substituted the coffee for decaf (surprisingly worked) and nearly fell asleep while writing. Although I was pushing myself to hit the 10,000, I gave up when I was too tired to keep my eyes open and thinking I only had 1000 or so words was totally FREAKING EXCITED to see I cracked the 10,000 last night. NOW to go write today's instalment :)     

Friday, November 4, 2011

Diary of a NaNoWriMo - day 4

Very slow today, I wrote up a blogpost earlier tonight and was sitting on a measly 200 word installment, with no inclination to pick up my notebook or computer I was thinking I would have to rely in yesterdays excess word count. Luckily the words started to flow after a big meal and a little mindless TV!
plugged into the Glee soundtrack, my pen flew across the page and have reached my average page count (actual word count tomorrow) and OMG I wrote a love scene :o Im not sure how I feel about that as the main character at this point in my story was my Great Grandmother! I mean everyone knows parents shouldnt be you know "wink, wink" let alone grandparents or great grandparents. Perhaps I will cut it out of the final edit, or perhaps not - it adds meat and I needed that!

Tomorrow I will be back to share with you some other hige things happening in November (I keep losing this post, so really must publish it before I throw a tanty!)


It's a Wrap... 
Todays' Words written - 2261
Current Word tally - 8865    
SOS... ran out of milk and chocolate; desperate run to shops on the cards tomorrow AM!!! 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Diary of a NaNoWriMo - day 3

Today I decided to start writing early. I cannot do yet another late night of writing like the last two (only day 3 and I'm feeling burnt out, what will the remainder of the month hold in store for me?)

After dropping my girl at Daycare this morning, I raced home and did a few hours work for my hubby, that I don't have an option on - it has to be done. Feeling better that side of my life is relatively up to date, I came inside and finished a few crafty  projects that had been lying around.

Tired but determined, I brewed a coffee from my new machine - this is the most awesome coffee machine around! A delonghi Nespresso pod machine. It brews a cup in minutes. Best purchase ever!

Hanging out in the office today, my coffee and some quality music to get the soul singing and the fingers flowing.
And supplies. Chocolate to fortify me and my notebook so far. Although today I typed my next installment. Using Omm Writer, it is a full screen writing app that blocks all other apps on the computer. I have only today discovered how to reduce it to get access to emails, facebook and twitter. That could be a bad thing! 


It's a Wrap... 
Todays' Words written - 2176
Current Word tally - 6604     
Only one coffee (so far) and a couple of peanut M&M's 

Feeling very happy with my word count to date, working on the average daily words needed to reach my goal (1667 words) I should be sitting around the 5,000 mark. I feel pretty good knowing I've got an extra day up my sleeve already for those days that I can't write anything.  From here on in, I am going to aim for 2,000 words per day - I think it's achievable without too much pressure on myself. I hope.    
 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Diary of a NaNoWriMo - Day 2

Well it would appear that my approximations on word count are a little out. Basically I counted the first page and there was approximately 200 words. So I wrote my 4 pages back to back. Today upon typing up what I had already written I totalled 2180 words. That's 513 words more than what I needed to produce! Yay Me! 

Today has been yet another busy day with the 4yo at home with me. I didn't get a chance to write anything this morning, but after we returned home I bribed the girl with back to back Scooby Doo episodes so I could churn out a few more words. I am thankful I did this as
1) she needed the down and quiet time and
2) I needed a head start;
writing at night is hard work for me. My brain can no longer cope with the strain! 
I'm not sure if it's because I haven't done any study or hard on the brain taxing stuff recently, but my head is hurting at the end of each day and I have another 28 ahead of me setting the same pace... can I do it??? 

Funny story, I said to my girl this afternoon "thank you for letting mummy write today" and she replied "that's ok and thank you for letting me watch Scooby Doo today so that you could write"


It's a Wrap... 
Todays' Words written - 2248
Current Word tally - 4428    
Three cups of coffee, numerous chocolate muffins and a hot apple pie (with ice-cream)  

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Diary of a NaNoWriMo - Day 1

The day dawned bright and early, though I was raring to start NaNoWriMo there were mouths to feed (mine and hers) and things to do. Like baking a batch of chocolate mini muffins. Priorities people! I sat while they were baking and I wrote. Handwrote my first 200 words, it came to me easily and it was hard to stop after just one page in my new purple colourhide journal! A shower and some rushing about to get ready (we had an interview lined up at the school) and I somehow managed 20 mins between all that to sit and write the next 200 odd words.

With 400 under my belt by 10am I was feeling pretty darn hapy wth myself. The day spiralled crazily from there, my daughter had a day off from daycare, PIL & SIL came for coffee. I had grocery shopping to do and MIL jumped at the chance to tag along by the time we returned it was late afternoon, a tired toddler, a tired mumma and dinner, baths and bed time ahead of me it was looking as though my count would remain as a measly 400. I felt it slipping away from me on Day 1. I dont do well writing at night, but maybe that is all about to change!

I picked ip my notebook while sitting on the lounge. With TV distracting me and a new show to sink my weary mind into a measly 150 bafly written words emerged. It was going from bad to worse. Maybe I had gotten in too far over my head.

Perserverance.

Picking up the notebook after that show finished. I wrote. Page after page. Word after word flowing from my hand. Four pages, back to back. Approximately 1600* words. Yay. Day 1 = success!

Total word count to be confirmed after I type it up (based on an approximate 200 words per page average) could be more, or less.

With only 2 hours to go till Day 1 is over, this little duckis off to dreamland. Sweet dreams xxx

Monday, October 31, 2011

Write on Wednesday #21 When the Musics Over

Write On Wednesdays
Write On Wednesdays Exercise 21 Select a piece of music that reflects the mood of writing you'd like to aim for. Press play. Start free writing. Write the first words that come into your head. When the music's over, so is the writing. I'd recommend finding out how long the song is before you start the exercise. You may feel cheated in your writing time if you pick a song by The Ramones. Of course, if you feel like writing a short, punky piece by all means, go for it!

*******************************************************************

As the opening instrumental riff began to play the familiar song, we stood together with the surging crowd, my arm your support and happiness seemed to beam from within your soul. As Neil serenaded us with your favourite tune “Cracklin’ Rosie”, you squeezed my arm with all of your strength (and let’s face it at 80 that isn’t a heck of a lot of strength) and you solemnly declared that He wrote this song just for you! Dancing and swaying, smiling and laughing we enjoyed our night out together.  Having waited so many years for Neil to come, we were so glad he came to Australia not long after your 80th Birthday.

Seven years later Neil returned to Brisbane and sadly you had already passed, but I went and tears prickled as he played your song. I think you were still there by my side, dancing and swaying. Smiling and Laughing.  

Song: Cracklin' Rosie by Neil Diamond 
Length: 3 mins. 
Notes: This was quite difficult. I felt the song was nearly over before it even began! This piece has been quickly edited to make it flow a little better.
Linking up with Gill at Ink Paper Pen  

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Sense of Humour

When I was TTC baby number 1 (who is now 4) I always tried to keep up a good sense of humour (well humorous to me at least!) The ability to laugh at myself kept me sane in my moments of despair. This time around when TTC baby number 2 (did not happen - currently on self enforced 'mental' break) with everything that has been thrown at me, I lost my sense of humour. Nothing seemed funny. I couldn't see the bright side of any side. I just wasn't my usual funny self (my earlier writing attests to that). That was hard for me. I like to giggle at my own jokes (my husband rarely does... his sense of humour is vastly different to mine) I had to have a little giggle yesterday with my friend over something so remotely absurd it's ridiculous to even think - let alone contemplate coming true.



  • I'm on the Birth Control Pill.


  • I completed a full course of antibiotics.


  • A day later I got really sick (think Gastro... BOTH ends! Gross)


  • We took a little tumble (so to speak) somewhere between those 24 hours *blush*


Wouldn't it be funny if I now find myself pregnant. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... see it's so laughable I have to well... laugh!

It feels good to have my warped sense of humour back! They do say laughter is the best medicine ;)


And for the official record - I am not pregnant! Nor do I expect to be. This is just a random thought that flicks through my mind LOL



Saturday, October 29, 2011

When do you write?

We had a great theory last night: go to bed later than normal so we could hope to alleviate that early morning wake up! In theory it sounded perfect. In reality it didn't work. I woke at 4:50am and am so tired. It didn't help that I struggled to fall asleep. I was tired. So very tired. My mind on the other hand was all aflutter, between finally deciding on a quilt design that has been just out of my reach for the past few weeks to thinking of all the things I want to write about, it was whirling 100 miles an hour. I should have gotten out of bed and written some of my thoughts down, to siphon them off. Yet I didn't, I tossed and turned and wrote and re-wrote things in my head vowing to get up first thing this morning and write them all down.

Well wouldn't you know it - those wonderful thoughts and ideas went AWOL this morning... figures!

Usually I only ever write in my journal of a night time, it is my down time and it gets things off my chest before I fall sleep. However with my descriptive pieces such as one for WOW or 5 Sentence Friday or the writing I do for my course, I find I need to complete them through the day. While my thoughts are awake and churning, otherwise if I do like I did last night (writing them just before bed) then my mind doesn't have time to come down off that high I guess you could call it and I find myself wide awake.



I had a grand plan to write up my NaNoWriMo plan for November (now as an aside... I am NOT committing per say. I am attempting it. I figure while I'm on a roll I may as well keep going and writing and this is the perfect opportunity to do that. If I get a decent word count I will be happy, but I am not putting too much pressure on myself to get this.) The only problem is my plans that sounded so good in my head are now lost in my dreamland and I don't know where to start with it all. I have 20 mins spare now, while my daughter has a late afternoon kip on the lounge, so I am off to plan and prepare. Wish me luck!!!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Write on Wednesday #20 I thought I saw...

Write On Wednesdays

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 20 Write the words " I thought I saw" at the top of your page. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Write the first words that come into your head after the prompt. Don't take you pen off the page (or fingers off the keyboard). Stop only when the buzzer rings! Do this exercise over and over if you wish. Write beyond 5 minutes if you like, you can link it up as an extra post.




I thought I saw Santa Clause. Footsteps stomping noisily down the hallway. Rolling my eyes to the sides, careful not to move my head lest the nurse come running, I caught a small glimpse of red. Tears filled my eyes, momentarily glazing my vision. One lone teardrop teetering upon my lashes, tumbled over and left a salty trail upon my temple before pooling in my ear. My vision cleared and everything was red. Santa in his bright red suit, snow white wiry beard stood peering down upon me and a smile of recognition twinkled in his eyes.

"We meet again little Rosie"

Smiling sweetly at the magical vision "Did my letter arrive santa? Please, please say you will give it to me for christmas!"

Confusion flickered across his face as he started to speak, but he was interrupted by a delicate whisper,

"My wish Santa. This Christmas I want to go home to my mum"

Five Sentence Friday #4 Horror

WARNING!!! Graphic content



What its all about: Five Sentence Fiction is about packing a powerful punch in a tiny fist. Each week I will post a one word inspiration, then anyone wishing to participate will write a five sentence story based on the inspiration word. The word does not have to appear in your five sentences, just take your inspiration from that word.

This week’s inspiration word is: HORROR

Squealing rubber upon the burning hot tarmac.
Sunblazed metal against metal, welding and meshing as one.
Stark white bones piercing delicate cream skin.
Steadily dripping blood, pooling and coagulating in the heat.
Silence decends momentarily, eerie and still broken by sobbing screams.


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Although I considered doing a halloween inspired piece, these words chose themselves. Most likely because my own accident (from years ago) has been on replay in the depths of my mind, it has been surfacing and needs facing. I do apologise if this piece is too much?

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Slowly, slowly!

After the week I had last week with my daughter being sick (gastro) being on antibiotics for a sinus infection, sinus issues, lack of sleep, blah, blah and blah... This week in theory should have been kinder toward me. But it hasn't. I found myself awoken at 4am on Sunday morning with a bad bout of Gastro (a full week since my daughter had it, so am convinced it is unrelated) I won't bore you with the ins and outs (pardon the pun) of it all; but let's just say it is now Thursday and I still feel like hell and the sinus headache appears to have returned. Sigh.

So if I was struggling last week, I'm struggling more so this week. All I want to do is eat yet I find nothing to interest me. I miss eating. It's the one thing I do well at. Sigh.

Today after a 2 1/2 week absence, I pulled out my collage folders and got to work on some writing. I highly doubt it is any good and with this niggling sinus headache, I am loathe to go back and re-read it. Fortunately I am at a point in my tutorial that calls for writing exercises. Ten minutes of unconscious stream, thoughts and words. A very effective way to get back into it after the enforced mini break. I find if I neglect my writing for too long, it becomes harder and harder to return to it with the same zest, so I am doubly glad I made that effort today to write.

So I'm going slowly, slowly. I'm hoping that I am 100% for NaNoWriMo which I fully intend to actually TRY this year (we won't mention last year where I think cold feet saw me not even putting pen to paper :o ) This year I would like to keep churning out snippets of my Big story (if you've been following WOW, it will be THAT story I am continuing) so if all goes according to plan, you might see me lurking in here, possibly even sharing small snippets of what I'm writing behind the scenes and hopefully {hopefully) re-joining WOW for next weeks exercise, since it appears I have missed this week YET again! Whoops!



Friday, October 21, 2011

Forgive me...

I'm struggling. Between constant sinus headaches (eased since starting antibiotics, but started up again this afternoon) teary PMT like feelings and getting yet another blasted breakthrough bleed *insert really bad profanity here* I've just not had the headspace spare to post nor make any comments on fellow WOW posts (I am really sorry... I go to read and lose focus) I didn't even manage this weeks WOW.

I've not been writing either. Too much sickness, my daughter got sick which resulted in spending half a night up with her. Three days later I am still feeling exhausted.

With the consistent bleeding I have been getting... let's see 60 days on continuous BCP I've had about 19 days of 'breakthrough' bleeding - considering CONTINUOUS means I shouldn't be getting ANY at all, I'm pretty peeved off. My Doctor has advised to wait until I finish at least 5 packets before considering changing brands. But that means making my body re-adjust to a different dosage of the pill and thus making it another 3 months of trial and error. Although I have not been getting pain (which OMFG is such a blessing in disguise) it is still really irritating. I'm exhausted. earlier this week, I dropped the girl off at daycare came home and crawled back into bed :( I'm starting to think that my iron levels might be a bit depleted but since I've heard horror stories of iron tablets, I have decided to try the daily Berocca + Multi-vitamins to see how they go.

It probably doesn't help that LIFE has gotten rather busy of late. I ended up cancelling a play-date today and spent the day vegging out around home with my girl. I'm behind in everything, but have been crafting which makes me HAPPY, so I guess all's not too bad ;)



Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Write on Wednesday #18 Make it Better

write on wednesday


A quick intro on this week's writing task! See more here!
The Write On Wednesday Rules: Get creative with the writing exercises - there isn't a right or wrong. Please do try to visit the other members of Write On Wednesdays and leave a comment of support and constructive criticism.


Write On Wednesdays Exercise 18 - Look through your previous WoW posts (or select a short writing piece that you would like to work on). Read through your piece carefully and let's attempt to make it better. Look for redundant words, cliches or overused phrases. Chop and change. This is not an exercise in word count, it's not about simply whittling it down. Make it a better piece of writing. Post your original and edited piece. THEN, throw it to the*wolves. Ask for advice from WoWers. With help you can make your writing shine. ** This article on criticism may help you get your brave on.

I have chosen to re-visit week 14 the Mighty, mighty Rewrite (see my original post here ) because I originally mis-understood the prompt and re-wrote the opening chapter to that particular book, NOT changing it to be my book. So here it is again following my weekly storyline!   


****************************************************************

My re-write...

It wasn't a very significant place, it could be easily missed at first glance. A one bedroom shack, built from local timbers in 1910; bare and tiny, with a faded sheet draped across the window and a rusted out wash tub residing in the corner. Florence herself old beyond her time, was welcoming of Agnes lingering in the modest doorway with a bag of potatoes and a jug of milk she had brought from her own farm further down the mountain.   

Monday, October 10, 2011

Five Sentence Friday #1

Lillie McFerrin, one of the lovely girls in our Write On Wednesday group has started a new weekly writing exercise. Be sure to swing by her blog to check it out and why don't you join us? It's five sentences from a one word inspiration. Written on Fridays. This suits me as I don't usually have the time to write later in the week & I needed something small to commit to; this seems to be exactly what I need.  

WORD: DELIRIOUS



Words once spoken were joyous to behold,

Shared by her kindly Doctor, usually concerned.

Finally allowed to go home; forever he told.

As excitement flooded her body she yearned,

To tell her mum she was no longer interned.

This is following on with my usual weekly WOW storyline, I chose to attempt an English Quintain (honestly... I really have no idea what I'm doing here & this is my first real attempt at poetry. It's been something I have been wanting to try for me personally for a while now) feel free to give me some Constructive Criticism!   


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Write On Wednesday #17 - Choose your own Adventure

write on wednesday.png


Write On Wednesdays Exercise 17: This week, we are going with Karen's idea for an open choice week. So take a look at the old writing exercises (you can find them listed in my sidebar: WoW Writing Exercises), find one you'd like to try (or retry!) and link it up to the linky below. Short and simple instructions this week. If time is an issue perhaps you would like to try one of the 5 minute stream of consciousness exercises.


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Shaking the water droplets from her worn brown coat. She slung it over the chair aside the front door and entered the small cabin. The scent of freshly baked bread incensed her nasal passage and her belly growled in response, it had been a long time between meals. She wasn’t yet home, but this was as far as she could go for one night. Far better than pushing herself higher up into the mountain only to be welcomed by a cold and empty cabin.

Shoulders slumped forward, body aching from the travel she had endured, she forced her legs to cross the few remaining steps before sinking into the hard wooden bench of the long table filling the middle of the nearly bare room.

At the sink peeling potatoes, her sister Abigail glanced up, taking in the pale complexion and deep black bags under her eyes she murmured “Guessing you’ll be stayin’ the night with us love?”

Tears threatening to spill over, she could do no more than nod her head.

“Reckon we’ll need a few more spuds to ‘ave enough for you then” Abby declared, looking into the pot and seeing not nearly enough to feed the family plus one more. She couldn’t very well knock her back though? Her own sister - it was unheard of.

Fiddling with a hole that had formed above the hem of her dress and knowing it would need to be re-sewn when she finally made it home, she fidgeted and shared the latest news with her sister.

“The Doctor reckons she needs Radium Abby,” she said, her voice breaking. A sob burst forth, erupting from deep in her belly, wrapping her in a cocoon of pain. She had held herself together for so many days, not wanting her baby girl to realise the enormity of the situation. Here though, in her sisters’ quaint cabin she could finally let go the anguish that had been building for days. Rubbing her wet hands on her stained and yellowing apron, Abby took the three steps between them and took her sister in her arms. Holding her as the grief of emotion came rolling out between great wracking sobs and streaming salty tears. Her body shook as drew her sisters’ grief away. Steady arms, muscled and recently tanned from the relentless Queensland sun, she held tight until her younger sister had cried a river. Feeling guilty that she had worried about spuds of all things, when a small life was at stake.    


**************************************************

This week Write on Wednesday (WOW) Gill said it was Choose your own Adventure week. As I missed several weeks of WOW, I chose to revisit one I hadn't previously done and that was Week 9 Think with Character. This little story is continuing on from my previous 2 weeks and I am greatly enjoying setting up little scenes and continuing on. I apologise though if you find it a little disjointed, it is all one greater story and at the moment I am bouncing back and forth between times in it. This piece is continued on directly from a previous piece and is set sometime in the early 1930's. It's obvious I need to do a lot more research, but for now I'm really enjoying these small tales. Hope you enjoy!




Write On Wednesdays Exercise 9 - Think with Character. Choose a character from your writing posts. You can still do this exercise if you are new to WoW - select a character from another piece of your writing or simply work through the exercise from scratch.   Now, think about the character in regards to their: gender, age, occupation, physical appearance and mood at this moment. Is your character in the city, the country, inside or outside? Do they live in rich or poor surroundings? Alone or with others? Answer all, some or one of these questions. Now, set your timer for 5 minutes and write the first words about your character that come into your head. Stop when the buzzer rings. This may be one week where you feel you need to throw the timer and take your time. Do whatever works for you. You may also like to consider: Complexion, Style of dress, Hair colour/style, Speaking voice and likely vocabulary, Strengths/Weaknesses, Mannerisms


OR for a different approach


* Look at how your character fits into quotes like the one at the top of my page. For example, what does YOUR character do when nobody's looking? You can find more quotes about "Character" here.



  

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Aaaaaahhhhh.....

Remember this post?

Or this one?

It's back again. I've literally had ONE week. Two days of uncontrollable PMT. Another day of bleeding. FML. I'm starting on the third packet of BCP tomorrow night. Needless to say the fingers are crossed that this will balance my cycle out once and for all... though quietly I think I am dreaming ;)

In sheer desperation last night, I pulled down numerous containers of vitamins littering my 'medicine' cupboard and found a half used container of Vitamin B6 - still in date. I started them last night in the hopes that it will help to balance the PMT. Heaven knows I need something, though today has been marginally better but then hubby is home & acting as a buffer, I struggle when I'm home alone with the child and dog as there is no down time nor any alone time. I ended up taking myself off to bed and watching a show by my lonesome last night and after 2 barcardi's the quiet time was relished! Today everything seems better. And hey if all else fails with the B6 and mood swings, the extra B6 in my system will hopefully keep those blasted midgies and mozzies at bay.



Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Write on Wednesday - Songbird



Lyrics here

The Write On Wednesday Rules: Get creative with the writing exercises - there isn't a right or wrong. Please do try to visit the other members of Write On Wednesdays and leave a comment. You can grab the button for Write On Wednesdays from my sidebar.



Write On Wednesdays Exercise 16:
Hadge says: Take a favorite (or even random play) song and write the story behind the lyrics, not something inspired by the lyric, but the flesh on the bones of the story. It gives lots of scope for interpretative writing. Use the lyrics or theme of a song for a piece of flash fiction (50 to 200 words). To clarify, write your version of the story behind the lyrics in a song

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As she gazed up at him, she knew without a shadow of doubt she had finally found her home. After years spent shuttling between hospital and respite care, only to return home without her voice, finding her herself as a carer to her now aged and deaf mother and living in a world on the brink of war- she was finally home. It had been a harrowing few years. Yet she survived. Those difficult years with hunger a constant companion and fear that her fingers might simply drop off during the freezing winters, atop the mountain.


Her mother feared she was too young to marry her war hero, yet what she lacked in physical age she more than made up in with maturity and wisdom. Too many visions haunted her from her past childhood - things no child should ever be see or live with. Her strength like a stone statue would guide her like it had done over the years. Through the good times and the bad. She had stamina. She had her heart. Her soul. Her life.


Now she had found Love.


“We’ll do this properly when the war's over love.” he whispered as they stood in front of the judges desk.


“I have no doubt,” she whispered as she looked at him adoringly.


Her knight in shining armour, he was her saviour and her future. Nothing would stop them from creating & building their dream together. From here on in, she knew she belonged.

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This week, I am following on with my story from last weeks exercise. Thank you so much for all your comments on last week (keep them coming for this week hey?) and incase you hadn't worked it out, the child in last weeks' piece is now the young woman in this weeks exercise. Obviously things worked out, but there is still a lot more to her story to tell. As she is no longer with us, I am sketchy on actual details, so I am using these exercises each week to build a fictional story around an amazing woman.

I chose this song because it's a little special to me, we actually had this song playing at our wedding and it's one both my husband and I love! It wasn't released until well after the timeline of my piece, but I thought some of the lyrics were very apt as the moment these pair were married, the war was still raging. I'm not sure I accomplished fully what I personally wanted to achieve - but I would LOVE to hear your thoughts???

Constructive Criticism is welcomed and I hope I didn't cheap by actually incorporating some of the actual lyrics in my piece.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Monday, Monday

Monday's in my house mean daycare & housework! Now I'm not overly fussed on either (suffering severe mummies guilt today... but I have to tell myself it is good for the long run, Miss 4 will ease into school far easier if she's at daycare... now I just need to agree with my thinking there.) Mondays are especially good because it means a stop at the local 7/11 to arm myself with a delicious coffee. It's the one day of the week that my house also gets a full once over and appears clean for about half a day (I admit it's NEVER as clean as when my best cleaner used to do it... that was my darling MIL, I would LOVE to bottle her as a cleaning agent - brilliant I tell you, brilliant!!!)

I always get a little excited for Monday's to roll around. After three days with my babe; she is more than ready for a play with her friends at daycare! Me? It's a new week, I get to start afresh! I update the diary for the week ahead, a new crisp and clean page awaits my messy pink scrawl of notes and appointments. I diligently transfer all the tasks I neglected last week (which is generally half the list!) and I add new projects, things to be done, meal plans, you know just the usual. Did I mention my coffee??

In recent weeks after taking on a little more and cutting most of my appointments back to monthly, I decided it was time to print out a new time schedule for myself. Forgetting for the moment that I will need to change this whole schedule around just after Christmas when my babe will be on official holidays in preparation for Prep next year! ON Monday's I have allocated a few hours in the afternoons to study - I swear I NEVER used to get this excited about study when I was at school - but this new writing course I am doing, I am absolutely loving. I am literally like a sponge at the moment, sucking up information on offer and soaking it all in, so it becomes one great muddle in this head of mine (but boy it is a damn site better than the mess that was hovering there a few months ago.)

ALL weekend I have been hanging out to sit down. To write. To learn. To read.

I guess you could say it's been giving me a sense of purpose. A {much needed} direction after all the changes I had earlier this year. I'm not complaining though, it feels right. Today I have spent time reading through the differences between genre and the differences between the styles of writing (short stories, novels, memoirs et al) as I'm reading through, I taking down pertinent notes and hoping that it will eventually gel together and actually stay in my brain (I swear I lost some brain cells AFTER having my daughter 4 years ago, things that would be remembered easily pre child now take ages to sink in. Pages of books, read and re-read because I just can't seem to get my brain to retain memory or information - perhaps WHY I am loving this course, it's almost as though it's shaking up a forgotten part of brain and making it all work once more!)

I am taking notes on books I'd like to read, noting down exercises I'd like to try - for example I want to try writing a short story in comparison to a character sketch (or vignette) to see if I can put a similar story in words but have one as the fictional short story and one as a sketch only (actually... I was wondering if that might be a good exercise for WOW one week, though unsure as to logistics and such?) There is no doubt that my brain is churning with ideas and it's exciting. Now I can't wait till tomorrow when I can sit down again and revise and study some more.

One of my friends on Facebook suggested to me that I should download an audio book. I've never considered doing this before and after checking out the prices on Itunes, ordered and downloaded a copy of Tim Wintons' Dirt Music. I have just recently finished reading his novel "Breath" and it was really interesting, but I'm unsure whether I would put myself as a fan of his work. I am happy that I stepped out of my comfort zone (did I mention I'm a vampire lit fanatic??? no. Well there is probably a good reason I didn't mention it!) and tried something different. I was originally going to purchase his novel Dirt Music, but after my friend mentioned the audio book version and went on to tell me how she listens to it while cleaning her house, I thought what the heck and jumped right in! This morning, I did the vacuuming and mopping and folding while listening to Dirt Music. My first audio book. It was a really good exercise. I found I listened and picked up on sentence structure that I probably would have glazed over had I been reading it ^^^ see above to where my brain cells have been kidnapped! I am fairly sure I will eventually purchase a copy of this novel to read after I listen to it, to see if I can pick out those descriptive sentences in a newer light. Perhaps THIS is precisely what my reading has needed. A little push to help see what I should already be seeing?

This Monday has been wonderfully inspiring and enlightening!   

   

  



Bugger off AF

CONTINUOS pill... no sugar pill SHOULD MEAN that it stops the monthly witch from visiting. Well and truly into the new packet of pills and AF has returned for EIGHT days plus some additional spotting for another THREE days. I am SO OVER THIS... Looking on the bright side, it was light & only minimal pain (managed without any pain relief meds; a heat pack was sufficient and very welcomed) I AM SO UNHAPPY about this because everything had been going so well there for a bit. I am nearly finished the 2nd packet, so I am quietly hoping that it's just my hormones and body trying to gel with the new pill.

I was really hoping that I could get a few months break & not have to think about any of this. How wrong was I?

I am back to the Doctors next week so am sure this will be mentioned & will be trying to find something that works for ME and my stupid Body. I am hoping against hope that this can be sorted out with my GP, but I have this teeny tiny feeling that she may well refer me back to my first specialist as it's an 'endo issue' and may require specialist assistance. Hopefully I am wrong and it's just my body trying to adjust to the new hormones and needs time :(



Friday, September 23, 2011

Peace and Belonging

Today the conversation come up twice about having more children and both times, I was able to answer and more importantly talk about it in-depth with one of these people without feeling as though I was on the verge of breaking down in tears. This can only be a good thing! Finally after months of living with this emotional outpouring of pain, it has been blanketed by that small blue BC pill (and though it's not working for me in terms of what it's supposed to be doing with my cycle) I have found that in taking it, I have managed to remove myself and my emotions as a whole and look at the situation in a new & far brighter light. It's probably one of the smartest moves I've managed in the past 12 months. I can see the pros and cons more clearly about having more children. One such con arriving this morning at 5:40am, an early wake up call by Miss 4 :o and her reasoning but the sun is up already! My sleep is ever so precious to me, so is she but at 5:40AM... not so much! I guess you could say I have managed quite successfully, for the interim, in finding a peace that is liveable for me - right now!

It is Friday afternoon and I am with said child (the same on who woke up EARLY this morning & who incidentally refused a day sleep today) We are out in our back yard. She is swinging. I am typing on the laptop. Hubby is mowing the lawn. I am onto my second cup of coffee in the hopes it will see this tired girl through the next few hours. The Mozzies and midgies (aka mosquitos & sandflies to those international readers) are in attack mode and I am being eaten alive, our only real downside to living here. A cool breeze is blowing, the birds are tweeting. The dog is barking and chasing the resident plovers, who in turn dive bomb him yet he remains blissfully unaware of the imminent danger they pose to him. Distant sounds filter through from the highway filter as the mad dash of workers rush home to enjoy the sunny weekend ahead on the Island. I've even stopped and spent time jumping with Miss 4 on the trampoline. Like a kid, raising my arms high (and wishing my bust was a wee bit smaller as it's slowly bounced a little lower toward my belly button) releasing my worries as we jump together with childish abandon. My sinus are aching after all that bouncing but my head is clear.

All is good in my world. I feel a sense of belonging. And peace.

The only thing missing a nice cold beer. Maybe I can convince the husband to do a bottle-o run for me!    



Thursday, September 22, 2011

Book Review

My first assignment is calling for a ONE page, double line spacing Book review (this is for my new writing course)

As I tend to write a lot (ok I write FAR too much and have a case of verbal dioreah) I thought starting with a smaller book of only 265 pages would be well worth practicing on... Two and a bit pages (all with double line spacing) later; I am reticent to cull my words. Changing the page layout may at a pinch bring it back to 2 pages, but this is calling for a fine job of editing.

The words of Gill over at Ink Paper Pen are coming back to haunt me



"make EVERY word count"


How very apt and required at this point in time!


Thanking my lucky stars, I didn't chose a larger book to start with! LOL.

On a similar topic, I am on the lookout for Book Reviews as part of my study - can anyone recommend some magazines / newspapers that produce quality book reviews so I can peruse. I will start on the multiplying stash of magazines I have lying around, but sing out if you know of any must reads!



Small vent

I shirked off work this afternoon (sounds dreadful doesn't it... but in my defence I DID complete MOST of what was on my list, if you don't mention the overflowing filing tray - then nor will I!) and I have hidden myself away in my office to spend more valuable time on my first assignment. I finished working through the topic book on Tuesday and had made a really good start on the first section of the Assignment, so fired up I came in to try and finish the 2nd section.

All was peaceful and quiet until the phone rang. I saw it was an overseas number and I decided to give him a serve as they rang here FIVE times yesterday and each time I'd answer there would be silence and then disconnection tone. I answer and get some man (overseas with a bad English accent) telling me he is calling about my Telstra landline. I told him that I was NOT interested and please could you remove my SILENT number (that I pay Telstra for each month) from his call list because I wouldn't be changing my mind.

He spoke over the top of me "I can't remove it, I ring you all the time"

"Yes" I replied, "you rang me FIVE times yesterday, I want you to please remove my number"

I was then subjected to him saying OVER and OVER "I ring you ALL time, I ring you ALL the time. It my job. I ring you ALL time"

By this stage - quite fired up, my voice rose in frustration as I told him to stop being a smart arse and remove my f*ing number from his call list OR I will call Telstra and get you in trouble. What's your name. Silly boy started sing-songing his name and kept talking over me. So I hung up. Felt sort of rude for hanging up on him... but was truly to pissed off to care. Dumb idiots. What gives them the right to call here and WTF gives Telstra the right to release my SILENT number when I am ALSO on the no-ring register.


Grrr - worst part is I am so fired up that I had to come in here and get it off my chest before I can concentrate on my course and assignment.   

  



Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Research and Life

This blog feels like it is finally becoming more in tune as a writing blog and while it will still feature my life (and that associated crap) well into the future, I am feeling really good about this change of direction - it must mean I am doing something right in terms of development both mentally and physically!

Yesterday I wrote a piece for WOW (Write on Wednesday) which you can read here, and while I mentioned briefly that it was a story that had been breathing down my neck for some years, I have sadly neglected it in the past few years as the main character has since passed. I always told her I'd like to tell her story and she would often tell me I was crazy and why would anyone want to read a bunch of boring stuff like that anyhow? Personally I think she was the crazy one, because this story has always been really intriguing for me and the incredible strength she must have endured when most of us take things for granted was admirable in the least, you would have to be crazy not to see the story in that! My only problem with this story is I only have the bare outline which means that with the main character now gone, there will be parts that will need to be fictional. This is the part where I'm unsure the direction I should take because it's a true story, but I will need to make up parts. Anyhow - enough of that, that is far into the future, for now I am just pottering along doing a little research here and there when I get a chance.

As I was writing yesterday, I remembered the part about the radium - so I did a few google searches on it's introduction to Queensland back in the late 1920's early 30's. Searching through several pages my search had me stumble across the National Library Archive where they have digitised scans of old newspapers and translated text - dating back to the 1800's. Jackpot!

On a whim, I thought I'd enter my main characters name - partly because she had a newspaper clipping from the 1930's where she was featured during her hospital stay (I have sighted the original and also have copies of that article) and I wondered if perhaps that particular article had been digitised for prosperity. Unfortunately it hasn't yet.

BUT

I stumbled over three other mentions of her in the Brisbane Courier - the first dated 21 December 1929

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From here

Two of these mentions would definitely HAVE to be my character because the years add up perfectly to the time she spent in hospital and her age was spot on. The third is debatable... while it could be her (same age / area) I can't be 100% sure as it's in a different context.

This discovery bought a tear to my eye because she was so proud of her newspaper article, reminding us constantly that she was so famous when to the best of my knowledge she had absolutely NO IDEA that she actually appeared in the Social Pages of The Brisbane Courier when she was a wee little girl. If only she was here so I could share my news. I am pretty excited about my discovery, it's put an oomph back in my step to keep working away at my research in the hopes of uncovering more.



WOW - the people in your neighbourhood



write on wednesday


Write On Wednesdays Exercise 15 - Give yourself some time to notice the people around you. The people who may cross your path each day. The lady in front of you at the supermarket, the man who helps the school kids cross the road, a neighbour, a waitress in a cafe, a librarian, anyone at all. Choose one person, someone you don't know, and this person will become the basis of the week's writing exercise. Describe this person as you see them, describe their surroundings. Then imagine a problem, create conflict for this person. Describe the conflict. Describe how your character deals with the problem. The conflict might resolve itself, it might not. It is up to you. Perhaps, the lady in the supermarket has forgotten her wallet. Does she bursts into tears? Maybe the librarian finds a lost child. The aim is to show how your character responds to conflict and in the process, reveal something about that character. Tell us their story.

Let's aim for around 200 words, keeping with the theme of the last few weeks (to make each word count). Hopefully those of you who are writing ongoing stories will find a way to weave this exercise into your work.

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Lying still in her hospital bed, not moving an inch for fear that such a movement would cause the steel tube in her throat to shift and constrict her feeble airway, she couldn’t help but overhear the dulcet murmuring from beyond the green curtain pulled loosely around her bed. Her mothers’ voice rose in anguish as she answered the Doctors question with one of her own. “What do you mean,” she asked trepidation permeating every word uttered.



Hearing the Doctor take a deep breath and seeming to steady himself for his next words “We have done everything we possibly can. The tumors keep returning, faster than we can operate on her, we can no longer control them in this measure. Radium appears to be her only option. If we don’t give it a go… well” he let his words hang in the empty space between them.


Stumbling backward she sank into the hard wooden chair in the corner of the ward. Her eyes glazed over with unbidden tears and she watched as life continued for those people far beneath her, suppressing the urge to scream at the injustice she had been dealt she forced her mind back to the present. Her life. This young girl was her life and now the Doctors were intimating that her survival hung in the balance.


Steeling herself before she spoke up,


“But radium? It’s so new in this country, there is barely any documentation on its use nor it’s success”

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Attempting to share something a bit different this week, this has been a (based on a true) story simmering in the back of my mind for many years now but has lain dormant the past two. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with it or which direction I want it to head - but I do know that I want to say it - in my words because it's an intriguing story. Starting this writing course I am doing, has re-iterated to myself the importance this story once held for me. Looking at it again, through the eyes of these weekly exercises makes it feel it's all coming back to me... slowly.

Constructive criticism welcomed!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Three Things#1 Exercise

During my first appointment we discussed the three main areas that are required achieve a suitable healthy balance in life (both physcially and mentally)



  • Sleep


  • Diet


  • Exercise   


Each of these can also help alleviate the pain associated with Endometriosis. Well actually I'm not sure the first is an actual written & known fact, but I know for me if I don't get ENOUGH sleep, I'm just a cranky old bi-atch!

Sleep I have pretty much covered most nights I average 8 hours.

Diet I am constantly working on (I feel I am always working on this area - the lure of caffeine and donuts is strong in me!)     

Then we come to exercise... Did I ever mention that I used to be a LONG distance runner. Yes. Me. And I was bloody good at it too. Cross country was my forte and each year I came in the top 10 of my age group (girls). I also was pretty good at the 800m and 1500m each sports day and most years I would get a ribbon on both or at least one.

Now remember I am in my mid 30's... so we are talking more than 15 years of NO sports or exercises at all. Occasionally we have gone through spurts of buying bikes or rollerblading and at one point I tried my hand at squash. In the stakes of complete and utter honesty, for the last 7 or so years, I've done more sitting on my butt and a bit of walking (a big day at the shops counts, does it not?) than actual exercise.

Until I tried my mum's Wii. I decided then and there I needed one too. My husband vetoed this idea for several months (he knows me too well) until he finally gave in about 8 months after my initial (and only) try on my mum's Wii. Quietly I think he felt sorry for me as it was approaching my birthday and I was scheduled to have the op the following week. So I went to the shops and bought a Wii and Wii Fit Plus and promised to practice every day. It lasted a week. Hey - in my defence, I went to hospital and then required recovery blah, blah, blah. And of course, every time I've wanted to jump back on it's either been too cold (excuses, excuses) or my daughter wanted to use the TV for her shows. Something had to change.

A few weeks ago, my beautiful man was throwing around ideas on how to fix our problem with TV vs DVD vs games and we came to the conclusion that we needed a separate TV and area designated for the games. Luckily we had the old plasma that got relegated to the office when we bought a new energy efficient TV, so it was no issue to bring it back to the house, move a few things around and buy a new cupboard for it. It has each of the game consoles set up, so all I need do now is move the coffee table and I have my own games room / work out area.   

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Two weeks later, I have spent time each day on the exercise regimes and have managed to put on a little weight (which is good - my goal is to gain 4.86Kgs to get me into the best BMI weight range for my height. I try and do at least 20 mins of Yoga each day and then a further 20 mins in the afternoons of the balance / aerobics. I haven't yet started on any muscle building - the yoga is enough to just about kill me :o and surprisingly even though it feels every muscle in my body is aching... I am now a "Yoga Trainer" on all but two poses. The other two I am "Yoga Master" so I must be doing something right. It's just a shame that my rhythm and balance are pretty much out in everything else... but I'm sure I will get there.

The best bit - I am feeling pumped. I feel good. I am struggling to fit everything in and desperately need to make myself a chart because some areas are now suffering. I am never going to be a Gym junky, but this feels right for me and what I needed right now. It's only a small step but who knows, if I can re-build my fitness just a little... I might end up challenging our friend to a weekly game of squash (the real thing... eeek!)