Monday, February 28, 2011

Booked In

Friday 27th May will see operation number 5. I rang and booked it today with a pre-op appointment 2 weeks before hand on Friday 13th.

To do before then:
- Hand in official leave notice at work
- List of questions to ask Dr W
- Start exercise regime (to build up fitness, not weight loss)
- Incorporate a healthier diet
- Research the seed diet for the gassy after-effects ;)
- Focus on calming and happy things now I have some direction

Notice I have neglected to mention recpducing the coffee / beer? A girl needs a vice or two!!!

Fine!

You will be fine!

I am fine!

Everything will be fine!

What if it won't be fine? What if this fine is as good as it gets. I'm sick of people telling me I will be fine. I'm sick of telling people I am fine. I'm sick of hearing everything will be fine and perhaps this is meant to be.

Because right now, it is not fine. I am not fine & I don't think I will ever be completely fine and I cannot see how everything will be completely fine eventually.

My definition of fine right this very second is not this. Not what I've been dealt. Not what I'm dealing with right in this moment.

But deep down - I think everything will be fine. I will be fine. I will be able to say I am fine and mean it. I am already feeling this strength (or perhaps you'd call it resolve) developing, its only a small fire yet but it's there and even though I am scared - I think with time I will be ok eventually.

I have to believe in it.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Suffering in Silence

How many women are out there suffering in silence?

I stood in the shower this morning and as the tears began to flow I wondered just how many of us are out there suffering today. In silence. Alone.

Endometriosis is a diagnosis that in my opinion is thrown around far too often. Every Bessie, Fannie and Jo have been diagnosed with having 'endo' from as young as 14 (or less) and are told 'you will struggle to have children' of these Bessies, and Fannies, and Jo's - how many have been correctly diagnosed through diagnostic laparoscopy? How many of these go on to have child, after child and still now sprout on that their children are miracles because you know, they had endo and you know that makes it difficult to have kids a Dr told me when I was 18. I'd suspect that many of these woman have never had a laparoscopy therefore never getting a real diagnosis. I'm not saying that these woman suffer any less, nor am I suggesting that they don't have real discernible issues with their periods or even that they don't have some form of endometriosis. They probably do. I just feel the term is thrown around a lot and because of this, endo can sometimes be seen as "the new black" and not taken as seriously as it really is (heck before I was diagnosed, I was a nay-sayer and sceptic on these poor woman and though I am to a degree still and while I do have empathy for them I feel that there should be more definition between the stages and severity of this disease)

What I don't feel is discussed is the severe cases. Difficult cases like mine which HAVE grown back within 5 years of excising it. Difficult cases like mine where it does interfere with fertility. Difficult cases like mine where multiple extensive operations are performed. Where does it end?

Why is it the severe cases are left undiscussed?

How many of us are out there, like me... sobbing in the shower because we aren't heard. We aren't seen. We are constantly living with a disease that is not discussed openly and when it does get mentioned you usually get a plethora of comments in return

"my sister has it" said sister is 18 and has really bad period pain

"my mum had it" said mother had 2 kids and a surprise pregnancy late in life.

"my friend had it" said friend has 4 kids and was told she'd never conceive.

"I have it" said person has never had diagnostic laparoscopy to confirm this.

It seems there are a lot of woman out there who do have it. Diagnosed or not. But where are the girls who have operation after operation to remove, dispose, cure? Whatever happens to them? Are they like me, alone in the shower, crying because they are not quite recovered from one operation and looking down the barrel of another? Are they just getting on with it and dealing with the pain because that's what they were taught to do when they were teens.

Where the fuck do we draw the line in the sand and say 'enoughs, enough!' How much pain must we endure before this is seen as a serious fucking disease.

Perhaps statistically I am alone. I've been feeling alone for some time now.

In terms of fertility, I am on the fence. I did NOT fall pregnant easily, yet I did NOT need IVF to conceive our beautiful girl (and for that I am eternally grateful, hats off to those wonderful woman cycle after cycle, I had it easy in comparison) 

In terms of endometriosis, again I am on the fence. I am not classed as mild and a subsequent easy surgical fix, although I am on the lower end of severe it's not as severe as some ladies who are riddled with it and have it all over their ovaries, bowel etc. Mine is localised. Mine is classed as Stage 4/5 (well the surgery is at any rate) but it is on the lower end of that stage. I don't feel I belong in that really severe case class, nor do I belong in the mild stage.

I'm adrift and there is no one support group that would take me on.

 So I cry alone. As the pain inside pulls and scrapes deep in my pelvis, my bowel spasyming, back aching I give in to the tears and I cry alone.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Appointment

** Warning **
If you are in the least bit squirmy, DO NOT scroll down I have added some squirmy pictures of my insides ~ these are NOT for the feint hearted!!!  

Today was my first appointment with my new surgeon Dr W! Top surgeon, comes top dollar... 320 bucks later ~ could be the most expensive hour of my life!
I had some trepidation as this was the first MALE GYNO I've been to (all doctors in the past, except one male sonographer, have been female) & when it comes to examining 'those' areas ~ I've always felt more comfortable with females, so I was pleasantly surprised to find it wasn't that bad & if I'm being totally honest it hurt less than when both my GP and Dr K had examined me for this lump.

Firstly we had a quick run through of my history, anyone who has traipsed down the fertility path will know that when you mention history it isn't a simple 'when did you start your period' you pretty much have to go through the whole kit and kaboodle.  
After checking out the pictures taken during my laparoscopy (see below for a cool inside my uterus shot of the lump) I then had an internal examination followed by a date with what is better known in TTC circles as the Dildo Cam (aka the skinny internal ultrasound stick thingy) it was time to talk plan of attack.

Basically in a nutshell, I have a 2cm nodule of endometrial something or rather that has grown into the back of my vagina (better known as my hoo-haa... because the real word makes me sound so old! ;) this nodule has been growing for some time behind my cervix, but is cushioned between the cervix and the bowel. Thankfully it has not grown into the bowel & there is enough room behind it to get the scope in for a better look. This is good because had it been near (or in) the bowel it would have resulted in bowel-resections and needing bowel surgeons on hand (etc) HOWEVER even though it is not situated in the bowel, it is still classed as level 4-5 endometriosis (albeit on the milder end... yay?) but still comes with a HEFTY price tag for surgical removal!

The best news of the day IT IS NOT cancerous. Therefore it is not life threatening and will be classed as elective surgery, though I feel this really shouldn't be categorised as such. Yes it is elective. It is MY choice to have the darn thing taken out, but truly how can they class this as elective when Endo is a down right debilitating disease & affects woman on so many different levels with differing pain thresholds. Perhaps if there was more awareness raised of this blasted disease & how it affects the everyday lives of woman - this surgery would become essential rather than elective.
Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but if you break your foot and need surgery... this would be essential right? New Boobies - definitely elective? Facelife - elective. Endo removal - FUCKING ESSENTIAL!

I do have another option (which I think was only if I decided to defer surgery until a much later date) and that is to go on menopause medication... this means tricking my body into false menopause to suppress any further growth, but the thought of hot flushes (which I endured during my 5 day stint on clomid and were horrible) I quickly turned down this option 

I'm sure he offered a third option, but for the life of me I cannot remember what that was.

So we are going with Option 3 which he agreed would be best and that is to have an 'elective' surgery to remove it. This op will be 2 - 2½ hours in duration where he will slice and dice the endo and scar tissue that has grown on the walls of my uterus. He will then work his way down toward the lump and start to remove it from the top down. There is a possibility that he may need to cut into my cervix to get to the lump as well as the vagina and a very slim possibility he may need to shave a bit off the side of my bowel (don't you just love surgeon speak!) I will end up with a 2cm scar in the top of my hoo-haa that will take a while to heal, but will eventually go back to normal. There is absolutely NO guarantee that my endo pain will dissapear (this I know all too well after my big op in '05, I actually had worse painful periods afterward)
This op will require at least 2 nights in hospital & at least 3 weeks off work to recover. Writing it down like this, makes me realise that this is not going to be a walk in the park & I feel like screaming and ranting and raving - Why me? Why do others who also have this disease NOT have to endure endless ops & get to have multiple kids? What did I do to deserve this crap. I too wanted a BIG family (& yes I know my DH factors into that decision NOT to have more children - long story... I'll get to that eventually) but for now I am a truly peeved at the world and am all about ~ woe is me :(

Bearing in mind that I was planning on leaving work at the end of June, my mind is now in turmoil of whether to wait until I leave & have the operation then, or bring it forward and let work deal with me leaving earlier than originally suggested. I am opting toward leaving earlier option & seriously I am so stressed about all this now, adding another month 'just for work' doesn't play into the equation for em at this stage of the game. I'm thinking end of May for the operation? That way it's not too soon, not too far away and I'm not letting work down and then I can have my time to recoup at home without stresses of work weighing me down.

As for for what happens post op is anyone's guess. I have been given the suggestions of the pill and or mirena both of which would be continuous to stop my periods, hence not giving this disease an option to grow back. I am worried about putting more drugs into my body, but I can't see any other option for us. He did not suggest any further treatment on the subject of babies post op (though I'm not entirely surprised as mainly I was there for the endo side, not the fertility side) I get the feeling that he is off the thought process that clearing the endo is the only thing stopping me from getting pregnant and once it's gone my window of opportunity will re-open YK? Except all that does is throw me back into the waiting game because let's face it sitting around waiting and doing nothing is NOT getting me pregnant. It didn't in the past and I daresay it won't in the future. Anyhow I must not think of that side of things, for us it's not an option and is a no-go zone in our relationship and if I'm being totally honest with myself I don't want to give this disease any option to re-grow and if that means there will be no more babies in my future than I'm just going to have to get my head around it.

I apologise that this post is all over the shop - my head is just that at the moment and while I'm on the verge of tears and probably a major breakdown I'm undecided on which part makes me want to curl up into a little ball and sob my eyes out. Until I can compartmentalise all this in my head, please just bare with me. (I might even come back and re-write it or at least re-hash it in another blog entry)

& here's the promised pictures! This is a cross hatch of a womans insides, I've circled and shown exactly where my lump is growing (I must say it was pretty cool to see this today on an anatomy model)

And this disgusting picture is of my insides. The circle is showing the back end of the lump (this view is from my uterus looking down) pretty gross, yet eerily cool huh?

   

  

Written in the stars


Are you a horoscope reader? I am! Do NOT be surprised if you see titbits of horoscopes & tarot card readings appearing at times on this blog. Even though I don't live my life by them, it's fun to have a little hope! I am predominantly Taurus, though I am on the cusp and do have a lot of Gemini traits ~ are you on the cusp like me? Which do you read first? I generally gravitate toward a Taurus reading rather than Gemini, though I will read Gemini if they list my birthday as being in that star sign.

Earlier this week (the day of my cancelled appointment) my stars said  "Hold-ups and setbacks are a distinct possibility later today" a bit freaky considering my canned appt and feeling like I was setback several days ~ if only I had read my stars that morning, I'd have been prepared for the hold-up! 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Other side of the coin

As I had previously mentioned, I am a long term blogger however THIS blog I created under a different user account so that I can maintain some annonyminity (yes perhaps I still feed the need to hide, but I do want to share... if I can help one person on their own personal endo journey by providing information, know how, comfort to just know that there is at least one other person out there who 'gets it' something I myself have lacked... then I am doing something right) However I have to wonder just who it is I want to remain annonymous to? I have already given links to a couple of people and started to comment on a few blogs under this user name, but for the time being, I will not blatantly link this blog from my craft blog (however you can find my craft blog by following my 'follower' link over there on the right - see that ONE person who does follow LOL)  and I think that is purely because I have family and friends (IRL) who do read my crafty shenanigans, I guess I am not ready for them to witnes the full extent of my pain nor am I ready to have them thinking I'm about to sink into the depths of despair when truthfully... yes I am in pain, but it's not every waking second of every single day. I hit lows during different times of the month (& more often than not it's bought on by a bout of stress from work or other such issues) but after a day or so I bounce back. Yes I always carry a small piece of me that aches, but on the whole I am ok!!!

So I've established that I am not ready to share my blog with family or friends, but what of my other more regular readers of my blog? Well that I'm still undecided on... the ones who have reached out and queried small titbits of info I leave trailed amongst the threads of my sewing are the ones who have been given access (HI!) with warnings - this blog is not the fluffy fabric goodness of my other blog, this one is my most thoughts of all that is whirring though my pretty little head.

I love my fluffy blog and I wanted to keep it that way, but it begs the question - am I being untrue to myself when I seem all roses & fun over there and avoid divulging on this other side of me, one that I feel the need to keep under a cloak of darkness and hide from prying eyes?
Perhaps I am overthinking the whole issue. My life is generally pretty fantastic, YES I do have every day stresses, but we have worked bloody hard to get where we are, we were gifted with an extraordinary little girl who both mesmerises us & terrifies us on a daily basis. I truly do love my lot in life, but this tiny small part of me is struggling and it needs an outlet.

Over there is my heads, right here is the tails (the tail end, the crappy part if you may) and here is the place I make head nor tail of ME.

Washed out and still waiting...

My appointment with the new surgeon was cancelled yesterday (due to an emergency surgery, and here I was thinking that this surgeon wouldn't have as many cancellations as my previous surgeon as she was an OB / GYNO...)
I'm feeling a little low today because I had pinned getting more answers on yesterdays' appointment and now have to wait some more (ok so I only have to wait till tomorrow... but I wanted answers YESTERDAY!)

I could also be feeling a little low because AF finally arrived today on day 30 (delayed due to last months operation) it's funny I've never had a 30 days cycle before... I usually average 24 - 27 days and over the past 2 years have been every 23 - 25 days no fail ~ so to actually get to 28 days and beyond is somewhat of a miracle. Surprisingly the thought never crossed my mind to test. It saddens me that I've lost that little shred of hope I would have ordinarily had being late, but boy am I glad I didn't have that hope - the falls are too just too big.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Connect the Dots!


I have that many scars on my belly now that I reckon we could nearly play connect the dots with them ;)
While most people would probably not 'get' my humour nor would they like the scars, I wear my scars proudly. They show the journey I've been on & the journey still to come and yes, while at times it is a BITCH of a road to be on, these little scars make up the parts of me that are both strong and weak. 

So I thought I would do quick post listing my operations & outcomes. 

Operation No 1 ~ October 2005 
Laparoscopy with hysteroscopy & hysterosalpingogram (better known as dye studies) (& maybe a curette, I can't remember) this means a quick (possibly 45 minute) looksie operation with minimal interference and quite routine. Recovery time is usually few days to a week but I took the full week to feel back to normal & ready to resume life as usual. Basically my surgeon Dr K made a small incision just above the pubic line and another cut through the belly button. This operation she used some type of glue to suture it and I can't quite remember if this was the very bottom circle in the picture shown, or the middle which I think has 2 cuts one just above the other) while the bottom incision healed quite well, the glue in the belly button was quite sore for some time until it popped out (gross!) 
It was at this operation they found & diagnosed moderate endometriosis mainly localised in the pouch of douglas, but all my tubes were clear (they knew this by shooting radiographic dye up through the cervix and watching it through an xray procedure, trust me if you ever have to have this done, do it while knocked out on an operating table... not while you are awake ;) LOL) 

Operation 2 ~ December 2005
Laparoscopy Excision of Endometrial Tissue ~ this time I was booked in for a 3 hour operation at a bigger hospital with Dr K. The reason for the bigger hospital was because she needed it to be a place where bowel surgeons were on hand incase they accidentally nicked the bowel during the excision process. This operation usually calls for the woman to do a bowel prep the night before, for my case and where my endo was growing it was imperative as they needed the organs to lie out of the way during this. Can I just say that the Bowel Prep (pic-o-prep, or better known in IF circles as poop-a-lot) is the most degrading, horrible, disgusting drink ever and the after effects (I won't bore you with those) weren't a lot of fun ;) 
This operations *should* have been fairly routine as well, go in through the belly button and three tiny cuts along the pubic line (see picture, the 2 side circles and the top circle!) with real stitches that had to be removed by a GP. I say *should* because even though it was 3 hours, it was a simple slice and dice. However I woke up in recovery several hours later and was told they had to take my appendix out too (it was apparently bulging and a few mere days away from bursting, and as they decided to take it out it burst which saw them have to pump through a litre of stuff to wash it out & saw me in hospital for a couple of days on super strong Antibiotics) This actually explained why I was in so much pain just prior to my operation, what I had assumed was just my usual monthly period pain was in fact acute appendicitis... I guess that gives some idea of the pain I experience each month. By the time I got to the operating theatre I was begging them to knock me out!
Recovery time for this endo excision operation is usually 2 - 4 weeks, but remember I had a double whammy and though I was well recovered after about 3.5 weeks I still had pain in my tummy for well over 8 weeks (especially if pressed hard!) 

Operation 3 ~ January 2010 
Laparoscopy with hysteroscopy & hysterosalpingogram again a very routine operation to check for the re-growth of my endo as I had presented to my Specialist with all the symptoms and was 12 months into the journey of TTC #2 with no luck. Recovery was quick, this time internal dissolvable stitches (good stuff) and a diagnosis that my endo was recovered, my tubes were still clear and there was really nothing standing in my way of achieving a pregnancy. Physically I probably felt the best after this operation, but mentally I was all over the shop. I have spent the last 12 months wondering what the Fuck was wrong with me as I have ALL the symptoms of endo, yet no active disease. Many a time I wondered if the pain was all in my head.

Operation 4 ~ January 2011
Laparoscopy - this op was routine to the T!!! In and out and awake in recovery in less than an hour. This time I didn't even make it to the operating room before being zonked out, I think my anaethetist gave me some super strong drugs ;) Interesting to note, my anaethetist actually said to me that although this was 'only a laparascopy, it was still an operation and as such had risks.' Funny he should say that because while I did breeze through 3 stages of recovery like I ALWAYS do, I ended up nearly passing out on discharge and found myself back on a bed in stage 2 recovery on OXYGEN!!! Seriously, I should NOT have looked at the belly button while the nurse was re-dressing it! Recovery time was a little harder this time around, the anaesthetic though didn't make me sick, really knocked me about and it took several days to feel it was finally out of my system. Pain wise - piece of piss, truly my monthly AF is more painful than that operation, the only part that was painful was NOT being able to sleep on my belly in a week and the gas post operation!
This time as you are probably aware if you have read to the bottom of my posts, endo was present and needs to come out, hence why I am off to another surgeon next week.

So this post was all about Connecting the Dots of my surgeries... but I have to ask - did you see the face in the picture above?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Swearing at the Car Radio

I spend quite a bit of time in my (really cool) car driving into Brisbane for work. Most days I dont have any CDs on hand (exceptioning some great classics of Dorothy the dinosour and The Fairies) and am too slack to plug in the iPod - so radio it is. I listen to the local station 97.3FM simply because they generally have the best music and the morning crew are just bearable, but only just!

Today "Brenda" was on discussing her issues ~ her husband went off and got a vasectomy WITHOUT her consent. She went along with him to the Dr's appointment and told the doctor she didnt agree with the procedure and was informed that it wasnt her body, it was her husbands and therefore nothing to do with her.

While I strongly agree that a vasectomy should be a joint decision made with your partner, my heart just ached for her when she said her CHOICE was taken away from her. My own recent experiences can vouch for the heartbreak of having your choice removed.

Then she dropped the bombshell "we had agreed we were finished and not having anymore children, we already have 3 beautiful children"

{insert expletives here}

Cue banshee style yelling at the radio, where even her next statement of how they had struggled to conceive their 3 children & wouldnt have just fallen pregnant naturally did nothing to curb my outburst.

It made me wonder for the remainder of my drive, am I always going to be so bitter and twisted about stuff like this?

Check out the other comments here:

97.3 On facebook.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

What really Grinds my Gears





We are a little TV obsessed around here, sometimes its just one show a week at other times we have a show nearly every night!

Last night we watched How I met your Mother. In Oz we have only just seen the episodes where Lily and Marshall decide to start trying for a baby.

barney,Colby Smulders,himym,himym season 6 episode 4,how i met your mother,Jason Segel,Josh Radnor,Marshall,Neil Patrick Harris,Robin,Ted

THIS episode, aired in Australia last Thursday night was TWO months into Marshall and Lily's journey. TWO months and already they lamenting that they have not fallen pregnant yet and are worried there might be something wrong. TWO MEASLY MONTHS.
To the writers of How I met Your Mother - get your facts straight before writing in such a ridiculous storyline, a normal healthy couple can take on AVERAGE up to 12 months to fall pregnant naturally. Please don't turn Marshall and Lily into impatient ferts :(

And that folks is what really grinds my gears.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Comparisons

I spent the hour long drive to work today thinking things through, sparked by a conversation I had with a new work colleague yesterday. This girl wants a baby though current circumstances seem to be standing in her way, I emphasised with her as it was eerily similar to my experiences (of which I will go into later)

One line of the conversation jumped out at me "but you already have a baby"

That one line bought everything back. The yearning I felt when we were TTC first time round. Primary infertility truly sucks. Nothing compares. However it made me think of the many fights over the years on forums when Infertile people would split into groups primary against secondary ferts. The primary argued that nothing compared. The secondary tried to vainly argue that you know what your missing out on, so yes it does compare (of course this is as bad as waving a red flag at a bull) the fights would erupt and I would try to compare the two, try and see both sides of the story and eventually realised that the two simply cannot be compared.

After hearing this line yesterday, my heart compressed a little for this girl struggling with her desires and I felt bad for perhaps not considering her feelings because I know how it feels to think you may never have kids, and then I realised I couldnt compare the two situations.

No matter how many similarities we do have, I can't compare my pain with hers. Simply put, she does not have, nor has she ever lived my history.
My pain is exactly that - mine - each persons' pain thresholds differ and for me right at this point in time, it's hurting more than I would care to admit. But that is my cross to bare and it is not my place to judge nor compare.

Whatever life throws our way, needs to be dealt with in our own time, our own way and can never be compared.

My nan always said "god only gives you what you can deal with"





Friday, February 11, 2011

Taken away

I am 33 (turning 34) and I have just come to the realisation that for the remainder of my fertile years, I will require some form of contraception. Any slim chance I ever had of a natural conception has been taken away.

It's a sobering thought...

I could of course defy the experts and just keep on keeping on, but the cost of operation after operation is adding up (not to mention the mental anguish of numerous operations year in, year out. To date I have had 4 operations between Oct 2006 and January 2011, a fifth operation is on the cards sometime in the next few months, bringing that total to 5 ops in 5 years :( I have truly had enough. The really freaky part of these figures is factoring in a full term pregnancy, effectively reducing it to 5 ops in just over 4 years. It's no wonder I've had enough.

So my natural conceiving methods have been taken from me, where does that leave us IF we change our minds about another child... Straight to IVF. Now that would have been friggen handy to know 2 years ago before I attempted this crazy notion of adding to our family the old fashioned way. My head would be in a far better place ~ hindsights a bitch!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Angels on my shoulder

Over the years I have turned to a lot of new age therapies simply because for one little minute it gives me hope. Hope that is usually dashed with the arrival of my AF (aka - Aunty Flow, aka my Period) each and every month.
There's been tarot cards purchased. A rice reader / physic (don't ask). Willow tree angels. Every shred of hope I can find, I grab with both hands and don't let go. It's a bit silly, but it's my saving grace. Without it, rest assured I would have been told I was depressed long ago. With it, I have hope. I have faith. I have a reason to put my foot forward each day and continue traipsing down this road.

Today I felt the angels. To give a little background (which I will eventually delve into further) we have been currently TTC (trying to conceive) our 2nd child for 2 years, 2 months and 10 days (not that I'm counting ;) there has been a lot of shit go down in the past year and the culmination of all that shit means that I am longer in the headspace to continue this journey. I feel I'm on the edge of a pit and if I take one more step I will fall headlong into a spiral of depression and I'm not ready to go there. Not yet. Not ever. So we are for all intents and purposes taking a break. A hiatus if you will and during that time out, I need to fix my health issues that are plaguing me - namely the fucking endo.

For the record: there will be a LOT of swearing on this here blog, my place, my words - suck it up now & just deal with it ok? Great if you're happy, so am I!

2 weeks and 2 days ago I had an exploratory laparscopy almost a year to the day of my 2010 exploratory laparoscopy. In 2010 they found nothing. Zilch. Nada. Not a skeric of this blasted disease and that lulled me into a false sense of security. I was cured. After all that time. My endo discovered and treated in 2006 was STILL gone. Cue jumping for joy. The pregnancy (or in my case NOT getting pregnant) was still a mute point, however I was cured - I had HOPE! However no answers & I spent the last year in limbo.
Six months ago, I discovered a lumpy mass behind my cervix (yes inside my hoo-haa) Thinking it was just scarring from my exploratory earlier that year, I put it out of my mind. I had my DH check it, feel it (ok, probably not a visual you needed.. lucky you don't know me hey?) and after a couple of months of the thing playing on the back of my mind, a visit to my beautiful GP was called for.

Ten minutes with that god-damn duck bill thingy (what do they call that thing for papsmears) shoved up there, moving it around and feeling the lump and she finally says to me "you have a history of endo don't you" I didn't want to hear that, but I knew. It grew back. I walked out with yet another referral to my equally beautiful OB/GYN/FS, that appoint was made and off I went.

Walking in the door of DR K's office, she read my referral letter and before I even sat down she says "it's back" Ominous words. So final. WTF? Honestly at that moment, my heart dropped - I know what that involves MORE operations, MORE waiting, MORE stress. We talked it through and she got me up on the bed for another fate with the duck bill, thankfully only a minute, a quick feel (honestly is this is starting to sound like a porno ;) ) and she agreed and told me 99.9% sure it is back as there is a definite painful nodule where I had found this lump.

The operation was last month - the result endo present :(

My follow up appointment with Dr K was today and she confirmed some of my niggling suspicions I've had over the last 2 weeks. It is back. It is agressive. It is extensive. It is (thankfully) in one spot only.

However it is not in any of the most expected area (ovaries, pouch of douglas)

Nope. Mine is in the hoo-haa.

I have an extensive nodule of deep endo barely visible through my uterus, growing into my hoo-haa. It needs to come out. I will be getting surgery on my hoo-haa.

Looking on the bright side - I get a vagina-lift for about $3,000 give or take! What a fucking bargain!

Seriously though, I am feeling a little numb. I've been down this road. This fucking disease has given me the right royal run-around, I've been lured into believing it was cured and gone, it's now back and Dr K was throwing around words of malignant transformation (rest assured it is NOT malignant... but she has seen it once before and it could happen - if I leave it... well the alternative doesn't bare thinking about) I feel like my life has a whole new life thrust upon it.

And the angels on my shoulder? Had I not been "trying" for a babe, I wouldn't have been checking my CM (cervical mucous) and I wouldn't have found the nodule. I dread to think what might have been...

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back!

After reading a truly honest post last week, I've been weighing up the pros and cons of re-opening my public blog. When I say public, I actually mean private stuff going public (I already have 2 public blogs but they are craft and photo based and the content of this is not what I am entirely comfortable spewing forth on either of them, guess I don't want to wreck what I already created)

I am also going to write under an alias (however if you do put 2 and 2 together, my user name here and my user name over there match up to be my real name - clever or stupid... I'll tell you in a few months) As much as I would love to share and link this to my other blogs, I am not quite ready to take that leap yet. I want to retain some of my annonyminity as I feel that will help me write more from the heart rather than trying to censor my words to protect people. Although my journey is total public knowledge amongst my family and friends (I don't hold anything back) I am not ready for them to have access just yet, my mutterings to the greater world wide web are of what is going through my head. I'm not convinced those thoughts are ready to be shared with people who know me IRL. If you sort of get what I mean?

I actually created a public blog along these lines 12 months ago & subsequently spent the next 12 months burying my head deeper in the sand and neither updating my (existing) really private blog nor the public blog. I do that procrastination thing. A lot.

So welcome back (or welcome) enjoy the ride (someone may as well, because I sure as hell aren't) and leave me some comment love!!!