Another friend who has my back, making me feel less alone on this path I travel!
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We had swimming lessons today after 2 weeks off and boy oh boy... WORST SWIMMING LESSON EVER! Seriously bad.
I usually get one of these lessons every 3 months (especially if we've had time off for sickness etc) but today was horrible. She screamed for me for nearly 25 minutes (the lesson is 30 mins total..) she cried. she sobbed. She told the teacher NO and splashed at her and crossed her arms (and really was quite rude) so I did everything I could. I molly-coddled her, I gave her a hug (even though she was soaking wet) I told her sternly to get in the pool. I got cranky. I threatened to use the naughty corner at home. I used a make shift naughty corner at the pool (took her out of the pool). I ignored her. I did NOT do a very good job. I felt terrible. A terrible mummy moment. I was one of THOSE mothers who had no control over her child. I had NO control. Which is sort of funny, because apart from the odd temper tantrum - I generally do have full control over her and she will never venture far from my watchful eyes and most times will hold my hand. I just have a child that can throw one doozy of a tantrum (you would have to see it to believe it!) Amazing how one 25 minute tantrum can have you questioning EVERYTHING you do as a parent. And make you feel guilt of epic proportions.
So what does this tantrum have to do with this blog? This blog, though mainly my place to spill on all things Endo, is also my place to get out of my messed up headspace. I find filtering it out is very therapeutic for me & it is working wonders (so excuse the dribble as I go on and on about this and that!!!)
So today's tantrum... hot on the heels of last night's blog entry where I said I was doing OK emotionally and mentally? Yeah it appears OK may have just been a facade, a blanket cover because that little tantrum had my anxiety levels rising. At one point when I had taken her from the pool and placed her in the 'naughty corner' my heart was pounding so hard, I thought it would just beat itself right out of my chest. My heart was clenching. And I'm sure my face was beet red... oh the shame of a nearly 4 year old in full tantrum swing, where every other look appears as judgement (when you know they are secretly thinking... oh my god... thank fuck it's not me and my child going through that today... come on - we've all been there, haven't we?) but I digress.. after I had placed still screaming child back in the water, I walked away and sat with my friends mum and buried my face in my hands. The pain in my chest eased, but the eyes were starting to prickle. To make matters worse my friends mum patted me on the back and then they spilled over. I felt like the biggest Nong. Sitting there wiping away tears. Every time my child screamed out mummy. Or cried for me. I'd have to wipe away more tears.
And as with tears - once they start... they don't bloody well stop. So here I am the biggest sook out. Crying because my child was crying and I'm thinking to myself. Why? I know it wasn't because she was throwing a tantrum. Usually I can deal with them. No it was because my emotions, my stress, my anxiety peaked with the pressure I was under from not being able to control her or the situation. From questioning and judging my own actions. From thinking that sympathetic looks were really looks of judgement. And a tiny crack appeared in my armour. The armour I have built around myself in the last few weeks to shield my emotions, to help me cope and fudge my way through this mess I find myself in. The armour that has helped me cope with work and all that that entails. Finally cracked open. A three (point 10) year old with the banshee howl found that crack and broke through.
I won't lie and say it hasn't unsettled me for the remainder of the day. After the epic tantrum, said child and mummy had a nice day together. Perfect child. Holding hands. Polite. Loving. Delightful.
After today, I am feeling that sadness seeping back in, wrapping itself around my heart and I am fighting it. I am probably due a really good howl (let's face it losing it completely at the swimming pool would NOT have been cool, one crying child was bad enough without a howling mother too ;) It would appear that although my armour was built tight to shield myself from further pain. It didn't quite go so far as blocking that sadness to others. I received a lovely Facebook message from a good friend just following up on a gut instinct that all may not be well in my world. I love how she took the time to care and to ask. It's good to know another friend has my back.
Incidentally I did end up changing my Facebook status and have had 19 friends 'like' my comment. Of those 19 friends, not surprisingly 11 of these were my online buddies. The other 8 are my real life friends. The ones who have read it and liked it and to me, whether they have experienced Infertility or not means the world. It means they have my back and while they may NOT understand what I'm about at times. It's good to know they care enough to care.
Not a terribly huge update, as I mentioned in the previous post ~ currently I am travelling reasonably well. No longer do I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a precipice. I am not feeling an all time consuming sadness. My anxiety symptoms have settled (though do flare when I'm under particular stresses)
I'm still sad. Very Sad. I think I will always carry some degree of sadness with me should we never have another baby. But that's ok. Much as I would desperately want another baby, much as it hurts like hell some days, much as I wish I was just like 'other' couples, I know statistics state someone must walk this path. And that's ok. Not wonderful. Not ideal. Not what I would have chosen for my path in life. It's just ok.
I am blessed with my one little babe (who incidentally keeps telling me that she is not my baby anymore, I'm your big girl mumma :( she who will always be my big girl and my little girl) and because of her, I am so very grateful. We have a great friendship happening at the moment, and I know that had we had another babe in the past or even in the future, I would miss the mother / daughter relationship that we now have. It's just her and I (and him). But I have to tell you that when we go out now, she is just so easy and I think to myself THIS is the way it's supposed to be. Of course I still worry that I will be totally overprotective of her and by doing that will make her life more stifled in some ways. But that's ok. As long as she feels loved, what more can I ask for. So yes I am very blessed. I am grateful. I have happy with my lot in life. I am one VERY lucky girl.
My AF went AWOL for a bit, but somehow the bitch found me again (just this week infact ~ shame becauyse I was holding tight to some threads of hope for a while there) but two pregnancy tests on day 29 and day 32 put a stop to that niggling hope. I ended up putting that pesky mid-cycle bleeding (the same one that actually lasted EIGHT days) as a weird and totally messed up AF and low and behold this AF has arrived on day 24 or some such thing. Forgive me - I have stopped counting because frankly I can't be stuffed!!!
I have a grand total of 6 weeks left of work... 15 days - eeek!!! Feel sort of surreal considering the last time I left this company was when I was up the duff... this time I don't have anything to go to - except a hospital visit!!! My excitement levels are building with the thought of ALL I can achieve and do when I have MORE time! Of course I do worry that I may have too much time to think, but all in all at this point in time I need this change. Hopefully I will be able to get myself sorted out and do some sort of writing course and eventually I would love to go to University. So I am sure I will be kept busy.
The only downside about being excited about leaving work means that the operation is only 7 weeks away :O I am totally NOT looking forward to that side of things, but the rest and relaxation... *sigh* I can't wait!!!
This is the current status update that I am seeing all over Facebook at the moment...
Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in and day out. Post this as your status if you or someone you know has struggled at a chance to be a parent xxx
I haven't updated my status with it & I don't know why I most probably won't. I guess it's one thing to say we are Infertile... but entirely another thing to share that with all and sundry on Facebook you know? It probably comes down to not being comfortable being so completely out there when I know friends and family can and will read it. Which is really silly because with this blog, having changed back to my Carrose profile, I have literally opened up the option for those family and friends who have either of my blog address' to read if they were to stumble upon it. So why not Facebook?
I'm not embarrassed that we have and are suffering Infertility.
I'm not even too perturbed that we are basically throwing in the towel (albeit the towel was thrown in for us, so not really the same thing you know?) and it's still 'early days' in the bigger scheme of things.
Is it that much of a taboo subject (lord knows it is when talking with friends)
Am I adding to that Stigmatism it has in day to day life?
To be totally honest, I guess I just don't want (((hugs))) and kisses xxx
I am only just now starting to deal with the fact that we won't be having another child (barring some divine miracle... think mother mary variety) and when I say just dealing, I really mean getting on with life and being too busy to think it through properly (ask me again around the operation next month ;) a
I believe that by sharing that side of my life on Facebook will just open up a whole new woe is me that I just can't be fucked dealing with right here and now. Particularly now head is finally feeling as though it's back on the straight and narrow at long last (for the interim).
I am reading that 1 in 8 couples are diagnosed with some form of Infertility
Interesting to note that of my 170 friends on Facebook (yes I have that many ;) 33 of them (mostly ones I have met online through infertility forums & have experienced some form of Infertility... though some of those are 'very' borderline) if you do the math.. that is over quota for 1 in 8 couples.
And they are JUST the ones I know about. Who knows how many of my other "friends" have also suffered, perhaps in silence? Perhaps I should change my status, just to see. Sometimes I think it would be nice to know more 'in real life' Infertiles* (gosh knows I know enough Fertiles!!!)
*not that I don't just love my online Infertiles, you guys are the best!!! *