Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Write on Wednesday #4 Two fat ladies


write on wednesday

Take 1: I can only assume Zoey languishes in the Otherworld – not fully living and, unfortunately, not yet dead.
How often do we ourselves feel as though we are stuck languishing in the otherworld? Sometimes I get a feeling of being out of my body. Not quite there and I languish. Between a life that sometimes is so out of control that I can’t keep up with all that is going on. However I am far from dead. I am floating. A part of my soul is grounded, in the body – but the other section flies free from all that is holding it back. I need this time to soar above and realise that not all is as bad as I first considered it to be. It is my freeing moment. To be freed from the shackles and realise that Life is great. Life isn’t all about being stuck down. Tied down. Lost and alone. Life is for the living and for that, I am eternally grateful. So what if I have health issues that need to be dealt with in the future. For now I must concentrate on the here and now. Let my soul ease when it needs easing, but stay grounded and focussed on the little steps. Little steps WILL get me through to the other side. I know this in my heart and I need to keep remembering and reminding myself. One day my cloud will have it’s silver lining and I just need to live the days as they come. I am not dead yet, nor do I want to be. Life is grand.
If you were to live each day as it comes, tomorrow is a present, today is a gift, yesterday is in the past. Step up and embrace it with both arms wide open and let yourself just BE.
Don’t live a life of regrets.

From the 8th book on my bookshelf
Awakened – Pc & Kristen Cast
Page 8; 8th line down.


Take 2: She was by nature cynical, blunt and hard to please, well known for picking holes in everything, including people.She was cynical of everything at the moment, too firmly steeped in her sorrows to see the bigger picture. It certainly felt that everything around her was wrong and that nothing was going her way and lamented this thought as she sat in the morning light, the sun just pearcing through the trees lining the edges of her property. She had always been charmed, though a lot had happened to her in life, she managed to get through each issue as they hit with many tears, writing, solitude and strength. There were many a night that a cold beer or two (sometimes even 3) would ease her pain as she wept at the injustices of things gone wrong in the past. But she conquered these pains. This new pain was as foreign to her as it was a living nightmare. No longer could she cope in her own mind and ease her burdon. As the winter arrived, so to the cold and the times spent alone in her garden dwindled as the days became shorter. No longer could she have an icy cold beer to drown her sorrows, it was far too cold to consider drinking her pain away. Alone in her grief, she sat.
They say what makes you stronger can only be a good thing, but finding her strength was taking it’s toll this time.

From the 8th book on my 2nd bookshelf :)
Stolen - Lesley Pearse
Page 8: 8th line down.


****************************

This weeks prompt was another five minute exercise, we had to choose the 8th book on our bookcase, find the 8th page and 8th sentence (I did line ;) and then write freely for 5 minutes. My first attempt was no thought process, I just typed and that I think showed in my word-count. I thought I would try the exercise again from my other bookshelf and this time I tried to concentrate and put it into a scene. I'm not sure how I went - but feedback would be welcomed ;) (go easy on me though... I'm a little highly strung, which is why my writing feels a little down perhaps? Maybe?)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Acupuncture... bliss

This morning I booked in for a LONG overdue Acupuncture appointment. It had been nearly 2 years since my last appointment and I honestly don't know why I didn't keep it up during this time, I'm sure it would have helped; if only to ground me when the going got tough.   

CB011755


Images from here


I wasn't 100% sure why I felt the need to go back to see my acupuncturist. In the past my acupuncture appointments have always been to help alleviate the pain associated with endometriosis and to help with fertility. After discussing the past 2 years and dissecting the stress levels I have been under with work, home life, health stuff - it was time to discuss why I was there. I remembered the last time I went to appointments with her, it was the one time I was fully able to relax - with a hectic life and a then 2 year old who had only just started her 2nd day at daycare... life was a whirlwind of up & down, go, go, go. I figured today's appointment could be for that down time I so desperately crave. Time to just lie there and stop the world. To turn my mind off (unfortunately I didn't quite conquer that today...) and just Be.



42-15200256


After a long discussion (we totally ran over our allocated time) it was decided that she would treat me for stress and anxiety (she agreed that the earlier self-diagnosis / aka dr google.... was probably some form of anxiety, though I am pleased to report that those pent up anxious feelings has eased CONSIDERABLY since I have resumed this new at home and slower lifestyle) and some secondary treatment for residual endometriosis pain (what can I say... I am hopeful to prove the Dr's wrong & that my pain WILL ease in future months ;)

I have to say today's appointment was pure Bliss. Total and utter bliss. I had needle points in my hands and feet (love those tingly spots) ones up and down both legs, in my tummy, on my forehead and atop my head (in the hairline) I had a heat pack under my shoulders, a heat lamp on my tummy (my acupuncture girl is a firm believer that operations cause 'coldness' in the abdomen & warming it up again) and today we had some moxa tips on some of the needle points on my lower legs. It was Bliss. Oh yeah, I already mentioned that didn't I???

Leaving the clinic, I felt a weight had been lifted and that is saying something for me at the moment. The last few years I have carrying so much angst with me and my only outlet has been to talk (which is getting old) and write (I can never find the right words, to describe the depth of my feelings) to have that something else to let go of this burden is a huge relief. I came home in a blissful state (I may or may not of got a speeding fine on the highway... time and the mail notice will tell - eek, but I'm not too concerned ;) see totally blissed out) and I smelt like pot (totally blended in a the local shopping centre LOL) and I was relaxed. It's been a long time since I felt this relaxed.

Just prior to getting the needles, I felt on the verge of tears. Blinking them back. Trying hard to keep in control as we discussed what had happened since we last spoke. To tell her that the Dr's think I need to be on birth control and hearing from her that it can have side effects into the future (of which I am well aware of and adds to my issue of whether I will agree with what the Dr's suggest or if I will break away and ignore what is best... still undecided) all of this in talks is just too raw for me to deal with at the moment and I felt ready to fall in a heap, sobbing my eyes out. Once those needles were flicked into my skin, I could just feel all the unresolved feelings lifting. Floating away. I was balanced and though I still have no answers and am unsure of the way forward, I feel today was just what the Dr ordered.

After feeling this good, I am fully intending to make a point of keeping regular appointments - if only to keep me grounded and in a state of bliss for however long it lasts.   



Thursday, June 23, 2011

Write On Wednesday #3 - I remember...

write on wednesday


Write on Wednesday...

My apologies for being a day late this week... Although I did complete this exercise on Tuesday night, I wasn't 100% happy with it & wanted to try it again yesterday. Unfortunately my mind was whirring too much to contemplate it & I had a toddler who decided sleep was for babies... you get the picture? I'm submitting my second attempt (that didn't get finished, five minutes is so little time!) as my first attempt I sort of forgot to set the timer - whoops!

The Write On Wednesdays Rules: First of all, I am not a big fan of rules. Feel free to get creative with the writing exercises - there is no right or wrong. But please do try to visit the other members of Write On Wednesdays. You can grab the button for Write On Wednesdays if you fancy doing so.

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 3 - I remember: Write "I remember" a the top of your page. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Use "I remember" as your prompt and write down the first words that come into your head for 5 minutes. Stop when the buzzer rings! Do this exercise over and over if you wish. I will try to do it every morning this week. I'll let you know how I go...I am hoping that the thought of having to tell you all about my progress will be the motivation I need to keep at it!   


I remember…

First time around was difficult for us. At the pointy end of this wretched journey. The part where we had just about had enough, I was on a failed cycle of Clomid. It was our first foray into the world of Assisted conception and I had grand ideas. I had a newly formed online group of girls, all of us in similar positions and we all heard the stories of people waiting to have treatment and falling pregnant just prior. We waited. One by one, we started dropping off. One awaiting her first cycle. One just prior. Me, well we jumped in with both feet. Expecting good things to happen and then just 10 days into the cycle. It was all over. I came home in tears. I cried most of the day and for the first time ever took the full day off work, claiming a mental rest day. I needed time out. Lucky I had a pretty understanding boss (at the time)

I never expected the path to having a baby and the road of Assisted conception to be all roses. I also didn’t expect that 10 days in, I would be hearing the words of my FS saying to me that it wouldn’t happen this month, go home as I don’t want to waste your money and come back next month we will try something different.

I went home. I cried. I was so very sad. We did the deed once that month.

Two weeks later we were driving to my home town as my pop had just passed away and we had a deep and meaningful on the way. It was decided that it was all too much. Between life, my pop passing away, the failed cycle and both of trying to balance work and careers it was all too much. We had been on this path for 2.5 years (same time as we are now) and we decided that we would take some time out. It was a joint, mutual decision in that we couldn’t hack much more of what was being thrown our way….
Two days later I was pregnant. The circle of life; a Miracle; Amazing…   

Interesting to note: 365 words in 5 minutes (I stopped writing as the timer went off... ok I lie, I added that last sentence to give it a little finish) that means trying not to think while I wrote this piece I can type 73 words a minute. I wonder how much better I would go if I really let go of all thought... this was harder as I was trying to bring a pivotal part of our journey into five minutes only. I am now considering going back over and expanding on this moment in time. A great exercise this week and definitely one I am going to continue trying to do this five minutes on a daily basis.



Tuesday, June 21, 2011

You spent how much?

I logged onto my private health fund last week & nearly had myself a mini heart attack when viewing my recent claims history.

A whopping bill of $49,455 for my new surgeon & a healthy rebate paid of $ 5,500... seriously... and no unfortunately I didn't see that money come into my account!!!

Only problem was - it was a BIG mistake. The bill in question was actually for my previous surgeon (from the operation in January) and was only supposed to be $ 485 with a rebate paid of $50. I clicked on the whopping big claim and found it was made up of that $485 claim about 100 times! LOL.

To make matters worse, there were another 2 mistakes directly beneath it for a further $21,000 and $20,000 billed amounts.

Clearly I must be really rich with out of pocket costs amounting to the value of $75,000 ;) OMFG!!! Obviously the costs weren't to this extent, but it did give me a little giggle though (much needed at the time)

Upon ringing my health fund it appears that sometimes online claims can go a little haywire (you think?) and it's best to request a claims history direct from them when required.

I am chomping at the bit to get all the bills finalised so that I can go and claim them from Medicare / private health, I should hopefully bet getting back around $1,500 but want to do it in one hit to save paperwork and time (I have plans to spend the amount back on an online writing course I've been eyeing off for several months now, though hubby hasn't been told of my grand plans just yet) I am STILL waiting on a bill from the Anaesthetist which I'm hoping will arrive this week. I also didn't realise that the biopsy results appear to be fully covered when in hospital? I had assumed that I would be billed accordingly, but haven't seen anything to date and my private health cover have already paid a portion direct to the pathologist?

Do you find medical bills and related somewhat confusing?   



Friday, June 17, 2011

Battle scars

I am starting to rack up the scars on my tummy... after operation number 5, I am now sporting 9 across my lower tummy. My belly button has been opened up five times... needless to say I won't be getting a belly ring anytime soon, for fear of it falling right back out ;) they are only small scars at about 1cm in width and I must heal well as the older ones are now just a sliver of silver, barely noticeable to the naked eye, unless you are looking really hard.

This first photo was taken 4 days post surgery. Such colourful bruising & you can just make out the incision from my earlier operation in January this year (see just below the middle scar) and on the left you can just make out a nice little bruise from the clexane shot they must have given me prior to waking up in recovery (this bruise was nothing compared to the bruise on my thigh from the 2nd clexane shot. I took this shot when I could just start to see one side of my waist returning again (the right side was still really puffy) The bloating wasn't as bad as it was in hospital, but it was still bad enough to be wearing tracky pants for over a week!!! IMG_8063

This shot was taken yesterday (3 weeks post surgery) The glue has fallen out of most of the incisions and the bruising has now gone. The scars are healing quite nicely and I am VERY impressed with the surgeons handiwork (though still too early to tell how they will look in a few years) I think these will fade and eventually become a small line like the one you can just make out below from my op in 2005 (you would need to zoom in real close)

IMG_8187

I wear my battle scars with pride and though you won't ever find me wearing a bikini in public, the reasoning behind that is more to do with the saggy boobs rather than the numerous scars I have lining my tummy... I am quite easy going & open about my scars, I see them not as marks against an otherwise flat, trim & terrific tum (oh who am I kidding, I've had one child... the tummy will never be flat again!!! !) These scars mark my journey. Of where I've been. Where I am still meant to go. Each mark has been a step toward motherhood and more recently the unknown. They are for my family. Yet they are also for me. To remind me that life can throw you curveballs and sometimes it's ok to branch off onto the smaller non-traversed road. I wear them proudly and figure that one day in the future, if I ever get sick of re-telling my story, I can always lie and say this is where I attempted the botched tummy tucks ;)

Do you have battle scars? Do they tell a tale?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Write On Wednesday ~ Detective Dialogue


Write on Wednesday is back again... This week is Detective Dialogue. In a nutshell we needed to overhear a conversation (without them knowing) & incorporate it into a short story (well this is what I think we were supposed to do... but hey there are NO rules. Love that about this little weekly challenge) I am going one step further and trying to relate my stories back to real life and this blog... I'm not sure I succeeded in this & I seriously considered NOT hitting publish for this this little story. But here goes nothing! 
I should also note for the record that I was completely stuck for conversational ideas this week, I didn't have the time to go to the local cafe. So you are stuck with a one sided conversation between my 4 year old and husband. Enjoy xxx

***********************************

A lazy Monday afternoon in this household and I had taken myself back to bed after experiencing 48 hours of horrible period pain (my first AF post op was wreaking havoc on my raw aching insides) and as I lay, nose buried in a really good book, the sound of my daughters voice filtered through the open window.

“You know I farted on you, didn’t I dad” she commented rather loudly in the still of the afternoon.

A quiet pause was had from my husband before he muttered something unintelligible to my naked ear. Personally I like to imagine in my head that he was whispering something suitable, along the lines of “we don’t use that word in this house baby” OR “you should say I Fluffed” OR even “I wouldn’t have popped off on you, my dear sweet baby girl”

Truthfully though, it was more than likely he was just murmuring for her to “keep your voice down so the neighbours can’t hear you say such {funny} things." A four year olds voice has an echo that can be heard several houses away, especially when they are on to something exciting and a wee bit naughty. 

After a lengthy pause, she pipes up again {this time slightly louder, which leads me to believe it was the latter rather than the former that was muttered to her}

“And then you farted on me, hey dad?” she exclaims! 

Although I have no idea what the conversation was about or where it was headed for that matter, as the sounds of their conversation slowly drifted away ~ I giggled to myself thinking how far personally, I have come. Once upon a time (not too many years ago) I would have been down right embarrassed if I let off a fart in front of my friends (& don’t get me started on letting fluffy off the chain in front of a new boyfriend – that was just plain mortifying) but I'm pleased to report, I have evolved. After living with the same man for more than 13 years, it has totally erased any mortification I once may of felt.

“Better out than in” my husband always says. Or was that Shrek that said that? Either or, they are pretty much one in the same. Except for the green skin. And the whole married to an ogre caper.   

And if I did have any residual qualms about letting one go, my last operation put paid to that – let’s just say, it was a major relief to fart afterward. An absolute & utter relief!!!  I wonder why something so natural is seen as something so darn embarrassing in some circles.

But have you heard??? Real Ladies don’t fart! 

What? Oh crap… someone forgot to give me that memo! 

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Endo & the Pain

My first AF (aka the period) post op, arrived today. It would appear that when the surgeon said there is "no guarantee the pain will stop" he was spot on the money. I awoke at 1am to find my body aching, from my boobs to my knees quivering & radiating pain (really no other words can describe it, it wasn't cramping as such) by the time I had been to the loo, nuked the heat pack, swallowed a couple of nurofen and stumbled my way back to bed, it had developed into an almighty uncomfortable wave of pain. The heat and the nurofen took forever to kick in and I lay awake in the dark, shifting positions every so often trying to find some comfort and much needed sleep.

This morning when I awoke, it was manageable and I began thinking that perhaps it was all going to be ok because the lump is no longer there and perhaps it was that, that was causing the majority of my ills. Unfortunately it was not to be. By 9:30 I was in the shower, hot water steaming over my poor bloated tummy. Constant nagging pain, dragged away at my insides. I knew this month would be bad so soon post op (my insides are still recovering & the previous ops, I've always had AF on or around the operation day whereas this time it was a week or two prior to the operation... I knew that recovery + AF would co-incide and boy, oh boy I was right!)

I have spent the morning curled up on the couch, a burning heat pack on my tummy, one across my lower back as the pain gripped it's way and rolled over me. Every so often a wave of pain, catching me out & making it a struggle to breathe & relax through each cramp.

While I am happy that it no longer appears that I have the feeling of a red hot knife stuck into my hip bone (that is seriously the extent of the pain in recent times) it does appear that it is taking longer to respond to medication and heat.

I hate this disease. I find it increasingly weird that the pain I experience each month is far greater than the pain from my recent operations. Being cut open in 4 different places, through skin, muscle and innards is nothing - NOTHING - compared to my monthly pain each and every month.

And to think I have it EASY compared to others. I do wish that I was like others that don't have endo; to experience a fleeting off colour feeling for a day or two with minimal cramps that DON'T require medication. That to me would be the ultimate.

Some months I am scared, I am tense awaiting the wave of pain that I know is coming. I just never know when it will hit me. It keeps me waiting then BAM, it arrives and is too late to kick it on it's arse easily. It truly sucks.


   



Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Write on Wednesdays #1 "Very pleased to meet you"

Everyone else is doing it... why shouldn't I? I am a bit of a sheep you know! While this blog was created purely for my current struggles with my health, it has also opened up a bit of a writing haven. A place for me to dribble words usually left unspoken and writing has become my current therapy (I've even gone so far as drafting a document in word expanding on this blog... who knows what the future will hold, but I want to write and I want this place to be truthful, from the heart writing. So when I stumbled across an online writing group over at inkpaperpen (thanks to Mel for the link) called "Write On Wednesdays" and I thought what the heck, my blog ~ my words! I'm hoping it will add a bit of depth (& possibly happiness) to the doom and gloom that is this blog currently, but it may also help me develop myself as a real writer. I completed an online creative writing course 2 years ago and there was a woman in it who was writing a book. Every exercise we were offered she managed to relate them back to the story line for the book she was writing. I thought this was a brilliant idea and rather difficult, but perhaps I can do that here. Develop myself as well as my story. I can only try!


write on wednesday

Stretching the Writing Muscles:
Start with the following exercise each week: Write for 60 seconds without stopping. Set a timer and simply write. Do not take your pen off the page (or fingers off the keyboard!) - even if you are writing "I don't know what to write" for 60 seconds. Do not judge what you write. It is then up to you to decide whether you post this warm up exercise or not.

Oh dear. This could be very hard to describe who I am now. I want to write a book, but it's a pipe dream and I don't know that I have the confidence to see it through, though I have 2 ideas fluttering through my head and I find I can write (quite well if you ask for my opinion) but I get stumped on the research side and plot. I know I should write daily and I get cranky at myself for not sitting down and just doing it. I forget at times that by running 2 blogs, I am pretty much writing daily anyhow.

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 1 - Very Pleased to Meet You!: Write about yourself as you are in this moment. Use the five senses to do so. The main idea is that we should get a little more insight into YOU after we read your piece. Here are some (optional) questions to get you started: How do YOU look right now? What colours/fabrics/accessories are you wearing? What can you see? Consider lighting, shapes, objects. How do YOU sound right now? What can you hear? What can you smell? Does the smell remind you of anything? Can you taste anything? How do YOU feel? Comfortable? Tired? What are you touching? Is it cold, hot, smooth? What is your posture like? Slumped? Sitting? Standing? What does your posture say about your mood?


Old or Young???
I guess the best way to describe myself would be to sum up what one of the nurses said to me in hospital on my last morning there.
Nurse: oh you are wearing your jumper in bed
Me: yes it got really cold through the night, but this isn’t a jumper. It’s one of those bed jackets that you buy from Target
Nurse: but you aren’t old enough to be wearing a bed jacket…
That conversation has been bothering me for the last week or so. I am only 34 so perhaps I am considered too young to be wearing myself one of those, what I had originally considered “really cool and toasty warm” knitted pink bed jackets from Target. What do you think? Is there a certain age group that should be wearing bed jackets? Perhaps I should have described it as a jarmie jumper? I don’t know.
However add to that the amount of crochet I did in hospital… it’s not surprising I feel a little older than my 34.
Aaah, but all that happened 2 weeks ago ~ I am wiser, older and today you will find me sitting on my lounge, kicking back, relaxed, laptop on my legs. Lamp light shining on my screen, glare from the TV flashing through my senses every one in a while. A pillow nestled behind my back, my legs stretched out in front of me (crossed, I know I totally shouldn’t cross them, but hey the nurses aren’t here to yell at me) dressed in my jarmies. No pink bed jacket tonight (It had an altercation with a runny egg last night & the egg won) No siree, tonight I have my thick white terry toweling robe wrapped around me, the look topped off with my pink Peter Alexander uggies… do I get points for them?
The TV is blaring and my attention drifts as I watch the ads (seriously who the heck watches ads in this day and age of fast forward, TIVO, Foxtel?) I want to change the channel and watch some more episodes of Charmed, but that involves getting up and that would mean I’d have to stop writing this piece. I am far too relaxed to move my butt, however I know the lure of chocolates in the cupboard will be calling my name soon enough.
The sweet smell of chocolates, far better than the smell of vomit which got stuck in my sinus’ after my daughter had a bad night of flu and sickness. Actually I really need some chocolate now, I can almost taste them. What a good thing my husband has just walked in, he can get them for me and I don't even need to get up. Yay for husbands and yay for being a lazy lounge lizard.   

The anger...

I have no desire to talk to anyone at the moment. I've literally closed down in that one area that is hurting way too much to process. Anyone who was previously aware of what was happening are no longer in the loop as I turn toward my writing and away from well meaning comments that really if we need to be honest - hurt like fuck.

So for the record and for the next person who asks... I am NOT having another baby. Not now. Perhaps not ever. I am officially unable to continue trying for a baby naturally (doctors orders, until the sutures are checked and pass muster) after that I will be on some form of Birth Control Pill. Effectively if taken continuously this will kill any chance of the endo growing back and it will kill all chances I had of falling pregnant naturally. No, I am not happy about this course of action. I feel as though my choice, my life has been dictated by the Doctors. I have passed the teary stage of recovery. I find myself fully locked into the anger side. I am pissed off. Incase you are wondering, IVF is not an option for us - personally - don't ask.

This may seem harsh, but I need to work through this myself and this is how I roll. I've had some ridiculous comments made to us and finally it has gotten ALL TOO MUCH. I can't cope with stupid comments. While you may think your comment is nothing, think before you speak. On this journey I've had many 'well meant' comments aimed at me and while they ordinarily wouldn't bother me, today they will. So think before you speak and know that this is just another stage I'm going through. No I am NOT jealous. I am NOT worrying about this because it's just something minor, perhaps it's minor on the blip of your radar... but for me it's all too real and painful. People you know that are dealing with this too, have nothing to do with my journey. Please don't compare me to others. My journey is all consuming and I don't even want to hear the good news stories. I can't cope with them. Fuck. To give you some idea of the irrational thought processes I am going through, I found out about a pregnancy in the daycare newsletter last week. BAD TIMING... I DID NOT need to read about that after my appointment, I was pretty emotionally wrecked.

The problem is - my journey does not compare to what this girl has gone through (and trust me, if you knew exactly what she had been through recently you would think I was the worst person in the world, I should NOT be feeling this way... I am so very ashamed to admit it now) but I couldn't help it. It stung. A poisonous barb coursing through me & I couldn't control my anger, my fear, my sadness. For me. Yes this infertility caper is very self absorbed and sometimes even I look back on things I say or do at times and wonder if I'm just over-reacting. The answer in my calmer moments is usually "it's not so bad, next time you will cope better with that sort of news." I know that I am not the only one who has feelings like this at times and I know that a lot of us usually won't speak up and just say what's on our mind for fear of repercussions. But what's the point of pretending that everything is hunky dory when it obviously isn't.

The old saying "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is on repeat in my head and I try to assure myself that these words spoken in jest, in support, in lieu of having nothing better to say may not hurt on a normal day. Days that I'm left floundering they do hurt and I feel wounded. Perhaps you are thinking I am over-exaggerating this, but honestly I'm not. I'm putting it out there because it's a common thought process we have at times. Such is my life and the depth of my feelings. I cannot see good news for what it is. One day eventually I will be able to see clearly again. But right now. Right this second. I just can't, it's too foggy.


Don't judge me. This is just me... being real. Anyone who has been on the infertility path will understand this to some extent. While you think that I maybe harsh in my thoughts toward others, this is precisely what I struggle with the most. I am not normally a bitchy person (well not too much) but I would never confront someone, nor would I want to say something that may hurt someone intentionally... I am deeply compassionate. And for that reason - it makes me feel so much worse to be thinking such horrid thoughts about others.


* Postscript *

This is a bit all over the shop, I am combining things said to me and just spewing out my anger - better out than in. It's not necessarily anything that has been said to me recently either by email, comment or phone call. I am just trying to share a little of how horrid this journey can be. Most woman will compress these feelings and not share them, but you know what - these are just some of what goes through our minds. It's a dark place to be and un-explainable to the un-knowing. I mean you think about it, you have a child - you decide one day let's have another. Most couples WILL conceive within 12 months with regular timed sex. The odd couple that don't, may possibly end up on the tail end of Assisted Conception. Sometimes it happens so quickly for that couple, that they don't have anytime spent waiting. Waiting to have blood tests. Waiting to have dye flushed through your tubes. Waiting for an operation. Waiting to recover. Waiting to have yet another operation. Waiting for recovery. Waiting for drugs. Waiting for ultrasounds. Waiting for a baby. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. THIS is just my journey. Both times it's been 2.5 years before the Dr's will look at us for a suitable candidate for treatment. All because I have endometriosis. A disease that generally responds well to operations, heck I know people who have fallen pregnant post excision operation while on the mini-pill. I know people who have fallen pregnant with 6 months of their excision. I know people who have fallen pregnant whilst waiting for IVF. I know people who have fallen pregnant while waiting for the operation. NOT ME. I still wait. And it would appear that my waiting was too long and all in vain. It's about time that Drs wised up about endometriosis. My two doctors (who I have complete and utter respect toward) are both stumped at times as to what to do next. Perhaps clomid will work for you. Perhaps you should just try naturally. Perhaps you should do IVF. There is no rhyme or reason because simply put - they just DON'T KNOW. If the Doctors can't work it out - how are we as individuals supposed to?



Sunday, June 5, 2011

1 week 2 days post op

I haven't had any rest time (ie time in bed, lazing about watching movies since last Thursday) I have been up and about and when I get really tired, I have been kicking back on the lounge keeping my mind busy with some knitting. I've managed to get out and about a bit, visiting friends. Today I am heading out to have a coffee and it will be my first time back in the car by myself. I think I should be fine!

Pain wise, I am sorer now than I was when I woke up last Friday. Since Thursday I have had a raw feeling inside, as though my pipes are finally waking up & it is feeling very tender. Not sore enough to be having pain killers, just a constant nagging, dragging feeling. Very annoying. I'm hopeful that this feeling won't last too long. The heat pack and I have become best friends!

I am still really tired, taking it easy when I get too tired (or else the niggling pain just won't leave come night time) and I have had trouble sleeping, either going to bed far too late and not getting enough hours, or like last night going to bed relatively early and then waking at 3am, uncomfortable, shitty and wide awake. Those times I have trouble turning my brain off and it's really frustrating. I am hoping that with recent steps of dealing with everything, sleep won't be too far off.

Well my family is hoping... I am so short-tempered!!!



Small Steps

After having several days of tears (which I am solely blaming on the Anaesthetic ;) I am officially over the emotional roller-coaster that is this road I am on. For the last 9 months or so, I have been focusing on one thing at a time. Focusing on finishing my job, focusing on my DH's work, focusing on each appointment as it came around, focusing on each operation and so forth. This has been working for me to some extent, but then this week... I found myself cast aside, adrift and lost. There was no focus. Everything to this point had been done, I had gotten through it and now was the time to move on to that next step of recovery and I wasn't ready to face that. This was when I started (mistakenly) focusing on the bigger picture and it sent me spiralling. After some soul searching, a long three page word document typed late into the night and subsequently no sleep, I came to the realisation that this wasn't helping. I was at breaking point and not happy. I need time to recover from this operation and to stop being so darn cranky at what isn't going right in my life. So after much thinking and surprisingly no tears last night, I have worked out that I am approaching this all the wrong way. Here I was thinking I had to face the big future as a whole... but I don't.

So from today on, I am focusing on the small steps once more. I cannot do anything until my next appointment mid July and I don't want to be all tied up in knots over something I cannot fix 'right now' So my motto is to just focus on my recovery between now and then, I have many things that keep me happy and I have every intention of throwing myself into these things that make me happy. I will still be writing because I know that I will still need to be here recording parts of the journey but hopefully after having some time off from the whirlwind that is my brain, I may actually be able to make sense of my thoughts and start sifting through them.



Friday, June 3, 2011

Pain Update

Why do I insist on doing things all arse about.

MOST people struggle to wake from anaesthetic... not me, wide awake chatting away to the recovery team

MOST people cry as they wake up from anaesthetic... not me, no I wait till I'm home and spend the next 4 days sobbing

MOST people wake up in pain... not me, no instead of being in pain while in hospital with morphine on a DRIP, I am pain-free.


6 days later at home, my insides have awoken and the pain kicks in. During the night I awoke with a sharp pain in my groin, almost in my pelvic bones, which I put down to issues with my bowel as I'd consumed that much fibre it was finally waking up and working it's way through... um ouch? Yesterday my left ovary was aching (which isn't really unusual as I generally get an ache around ovulation) A bit of heat on that while reading a book in the sunshine eased that. Last night my whole inside area was aching, not enough to need pain-killers, but enough to have a constant heat pack on the front and back and I was worn out.

In hindsight I think I may have overdone it yesterday a visitor in the morning, no sleep, little rest and a 2 hour round trip to the Dr and a lengthy walk. All wearing uncomfortable Jeans (that I couldn't do up LOL) just exhausted me. Today I have plans to take it easy, I have the option of walking up to swimming if I wish to, but my parents will be here to help out.    



Settling for less ~ Hobbies?

It's interesting. On the drive to Brisbane yesterday, DH and I were discussing hobbies or outside interests and how they impact on our lives. It all came about when I was talking about me and how I'm struggling to cope with all that is going on at the moment, the emotional wounds are too raw, I feel like curling up in a ball and just crying all day. But then I know I will be ok. I have had several things in my life that I've had to deal with and with strength I have managed to work my way through each issue, coupled with many tears, shouting, beer and willpower. I know I can do it again now, but I'm not quite ready to move on to that next step. I find myself stuck in this woe is me spiral and I think as much as I want to get out of it and start working on the end, I can't let it go. I still have hope. Deep down I still want to fight this as I'm not 100% convinced the battle is over and I am ready to surrender just yet.

As I was telling my husband that whatever the outcome, I think in the end I will be ok because I will find the strength to do so & I will also be happy.

His reply to this was of course you will, you have so many hobbies, outside interests that you will keep yourself busy doing things you love doing (like my photography, craft etc)

He then went on to say (he's a smart man my boy!) that sometimes people want things so desperately in life and have to settle for second best and they more than make up for it and can find the happiness within. It was then he went on to mention my late nan. She loved music and would have loved to sing. She couldn't. You see she was a Laryngectomy she couldn't speak, let alone sing. But she more than made up for it with her fantastic organ playing. She would belt out the tunes on Christmas Eve and everyone around her would sing (loudly and sometimes badly) and she had fun. Although she couldn't join in and make her voice heard, she played a bloody mean tune on the organ!!! She had incredible strength and I often think I couldn't have walked her path, so I should stop my whinging and whining and just get on with it ;)

I know personally, writing helps me immensely (what may appear as plain nattering to you, is actually helping me make sense of things) Just last night I scrolled back and read every post I had written on this blog and words written 3 months ago have helped me to see that {eventually} everything is gonna be ok.

So what do you think - do you think a good hobby, something that brings you happiness can help you settle for less? Ease your burden? Calm your mind?   


      



Thursday, June 2, 2011

Biopsy Results

What is it about Drs and their delivery of the biopsy results? Today I went back for a follow up appointment (and as expected... I didnt really need to go today, but it was good to be able to get the biopsy results etc, saves waiting 6 weeks and having the Dr forget who the heck you are, you know?)

He sits there (very relaxed) and looking at the computer screen says "I've just been reading your biopsy results and they are very interesting"

INTERESTING?

WTF?!? Ummm... Just give it to me straight Doc - WTF is it?

yes very INTERESTING

Yes, yes, didn't we establish that before? Here I am sitting there (extremely anxious) thinking it was a lump, a nodule of suspected endometriosis that had to get sent to pathology because it was a LUMP. Of course when the word lump is mentioned, my thoughts turn to The Big C (yes probably very premature of me) but my stomach dropped and I was on tenterhooks awaiting his response.

Turns out it was a type of endometriosis lump, but it was termed as a My-o-metri-something-or-other.

What was that... In English????

Well it appears that it may have been a mass that was there since I was born (possibly conception) as it has embryonic matter within. I will NOT tell you what my husband said about it on the drive home (something about 2 heads... Noice "dear hubby") And that was about all I could ascertain as the Dr had never seen or heard of anything of the sort before himself. Even the term it was called was unheard of. So my my-o-metri-something-or-other is now no more, it is not sinister. *phew* Anyone else walked out of Drs rooms completely bamboozled? Even Dr Google couldnt give me any further info (it must be rare if Dr Google fails you!)

The only thing is, now I'm left wondering if my endo was all that extensive or if all my issues have been stemming from this nodule. I guess time will tell. So now I'm at a loss as to what I should do next, luckily I have a 6 week check up to get the all clear so I can start making sense of this growing confusion that is my current state of mind.

On a brighter note, I didn't have to have an internal scan today... Trust me when I say after being SERIOUSLY bound up * (a residual after effect from the morphine, endone and probably the anaesthetic, lets face it everything is being blamed on the anaesthetic this week) I was deliriously HAPPY to miss that little d-cam date!!! The less things going near that area, the better for me at the moment!!!

Of course my head is all over the shop, more tears on the drive home and lots of sighing. I'm not sure where the road goes from here, I have a lot to process and a lot of emotions to work through, posts from here on in will most probably be a little sporadic and messy... But thats ok, its how I work best!

* 1cup hot water + 1tbsp honey, drunk on empty stomach, will help the pipes!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tears

Perhaps it's just me, but the last few times I've gone up against Anaesthesia... it's made me cry :( and I don't mean just a few tears, I mean sobbing like a baby (which doesn't help the sore tummy muscles very much!) I don't know if there is something in the make up of it that causes me so much angst, or if it's just a simple case of overwhelming emotions and having that huge upheaval in life. Sunday night they were tears of gratefulness, Monday tears of confusion. Tuesday tears of pain. Wednesday tears just because.

I have a lot of emotional issues to work through in the coming months (more I want to say here, I am just struggling to find the words - I am also afraid with my extra 3 readers - hi there!, that I will be judged and I need this place to be a non-judgemental one) I will be ok. Eventually. Just bare with me hey?