Monday, August 29, 2011

Quiet

The house is still and quiet, the sounds of the birds are filtering through as I sit and soak up the silence inside. My baby girl is a little under the weather (sinus issues) and I opted to keep her home from Daycare today as she has had a low grade temp the past 36 hours. The temp appears to be stabilising and though she has remained relatively happy and upbeat through this little bout of sickness, earlier this afternoon it appears that she is definitely on the road to recovery when she argued black and blue that she actually asked to watch The Monster of Mexico NOT the Legend of the Vampire (Scooby Doo movies on TIVO - she absolutely loves them!) and for the record... she did ask to watch the vampire show *sigh* I should learn NOT to argue with the 4yo!!! When I made the decision to keep her home from daycare today, it came along with a strict instruction that she MUST have a daytime sleep for me today (she has slowly been dropping the day sleep more and more recently and most days I won't argue the point because she is off to school next year and will not be able to sleep then...) however I had to put my foot down, the best recovery for sinus (IMO) is sleep. So off she toddled off at 1:30pm and I could still hear chatter until around 2ish. For now she is sleeping and the silence is golden.

To be totally honest, I'm at a loss. Usually Mondays are my day off to potter around and do the housework, except I did all that this morning. The afternoons I usually spend trying to de-clutter some overflowing cupboard in the house (or get out in the garden) but today I'm just cruising. I guess I will wander out and get myself a cuppa and muffin & sit in the sunshine (while it lasts) and try to enjoy this rare moment of downtime. It's not like I can hustle and bustle around the house pulling things out and bagging stuff up for the op shop can I now? I wouldn't want to wake her any earlier than the promised time of 1 o'clock... (she really has no concept of time & makes me giggle) agreeing to wake her at 1 o'clock was the deciding factor of her having this little sleep for me today!

Perhaps I'll even take my notebook and do some writing in the sunshine.



  



Saturday, August 27, 2011

Eeek - I did it!!!

I signed up to the Creative Writing Course!!! The big initial pack is on it's way to me and will hopefully arrive sometime next week, I am so excited and can't wait to get started on it! I am also pumped to do the Photography Course too... I'm thinking one or two tutorials of EACH course per month!

Can I do this?    



Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Contemplating my life... and writing about it

So we all noticed my little AWOL caper, although I touched on it in my last post ~ one thing I neglected to mention was I had also been feeling pretty level with life and all it entails at the moment, there didn't seem to be any extra reason I needed to be here in this little space recording my thoughts. But. I started to miss it. I wanted to write. But. I sat and stared at the blank lines ahead of me and I got cold feet (I mean seriously cold feet... it is winter here after all ;) and then I started doubting myself as a writer. I nearly signed up to a writing course (in creative writing) But. Again cold feet.

Over the weekend just gone, I headed to an open day at the local University campus. I heard they offer first year major in the Creative Industries (professional & creative writing, which I'm REALLY interested in) at this local campus then you transfer to the city campus to do the remainder of the course. I was really interested. The bank account not so much... but I want to do something. Be something.

Confusion and self doubt kicked in as I went back and forth. I wondered if I should sign up to the original course (it is offered by correspondence, about 20 times cheaper & can be completed over 3 years) surely it would be confidence building and if I really and totally suck at it (or I decide it's not my area of expertise)... well I've only wasted 1/20th of our savings rather than a whole chunk? Right?

I am so glad I went over the weekend though. It has given me a lot of food for thought and when I got home I was excited for about a nano-second when I realised my OP would just scrape me in on the Course I was interested in - at the local campus ONLY! Unfortunately... even though it says they offer the "Creative Industries" for the first year at this campus, unfortunately it does appear that they do NOT offer enough units of the major to be able to complete it (I still need to investigate my options on a second major... I may just be able to sneak through on that, but again need to look deeper) IF I can't go to that campus, I would need to commute to the city campus and while that doesn't worry me too much - the OP is much higher and I wouldn't get in without sitting for the STAT (adult test... all types of tests terrify me), a PCA and possibly previous work experience in the hopes that each would add marks to an entry level ranking. My other option is to complete the original course offered above which would (providing I pass with flying colours) give me a fairly decent entry level ranking which would just scrape me into my first preference AT the city campus - Yay! But. As I said - providing I can pass.

Tomorrow I will sign up to this diploma course and next year I will be diligently studying during school hours in the hopes that I can look at possible entry into Uni in 2013 or 2014... I'm not sure if it's entirely doable but I am allowing 2 years as worse case - just incase. I really want to do this. It's the first time in over a year I've had a fire in my belly about something. I think I can do it.

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Up until the last few weeks, I feel I have been lacking the oomph I used to have for life... I've over-compensated with everything I've done and there is only so much of me left and I have been spread pretty thin of late. Which is strange as I'm no longer at work and no longer answerable to someone else. I answer to me. I make my own rules and times. I'm just lacking my own internal time management. The last few weeks I've had bursts of energy (I think we can thank my acupuncturist for that... she's been doing a point in my tummy that promotes energy levels and I've been like a demon - running here, there and everywhere) with this added energy burst - I am starting to see the light (and it burns ;) my house is S.L.O.W.L.Y coming together, I'm extending myself to try new things - things I would generally leave for my husband to sort out and fix. My garden is up and running, in time for spring - I'm hoping for an abundance of vegetables to feed my family this year, I love that feeling of being a self provider. And I've re-discovered the joy in crafting. It's been far too long, but I've managed to actually FINISH (yes I know, pick yourself up!) some long overdue Work in Progresses, and start a few more. There's been knitting, Quilting and Sewing. Writing is back (incase you couldn't tell from these 2 last posts ;) LOL)

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I have been thinking a lot about blogging lately & have been reading many wrap up posts that were done after the recent bloggers conference in Melbourne. Surprisingly it doesn't interest me one iota to go to these conferences (I'd much rather fly to Melbourne or Sydney and meet up with good friends) but it has got me thinking about this blog and my other blogs and where I want them to head into the future... because lets face it, every Tom, Dick and Harry have a blog (or two) and I'm never gone be up there with the so called celebratory bloggers now am I? I mean really, how on earth do they achieve that title?

While I contemplate what I want from my blogging life, I have many pros and cons on each of my blogs and the only conclusion I can come to is to have this blog as my writing blog (minimal eye candy and just general life mutterings) Continuing on with my endometriosis and consequent health struggles and branching out a little. More writing exercises. Writing groups. Writing in general. This is where I want to develop the ME and the words I hold within. I want to be able to hit publish on half written posts and not feel I am in a fish bowl. I want to be able to be true to myself. I want to tell my story. Warts and all.

I am also weighing up my other blogs, which will remain the same for the remainder of the year. The more I think about it, the more I am seriously considering closing down the photography blog, or just participating in the Scavenger Hunt Sunday and perhaps posting photos of the course I need to get onto STRAIGHT AWAY!) I will wrap up the current 365 on the 31st December, 2011, much as I have loved participating this year... it has taken a lot out of me to (remember) to take the photo, upload them, blog them all for no comment (or occasionally a comment) I am half tossing around embarking on a 365 Gratitude Project (or happiness) which I will take with instax photos and put straight into a special book, I already started one of these last year, but didn't keep the momentum going as I was using digital prints and the taking, loading and printing was a PITA! Another pipe dream for the future... I will see how I feel after I get over this hurdle of the current 365. While I can see that it would be perfect for ME and totally needed considering my recent headspace, it may well be a project that is too big for me to handle. I want less commitments, more depth with the things I choose to do in my life. My crafty blog will remain as is for the interim. I will focus more in depth on the things in life that bring me enjoyment (like gardening, crafting, family & organising) I have been reading back on some of my posts over there and am happy with the direction that blog takes. It is my no-think, no drama publish blog. It is my happy place and it keeps me on the straight and narrow, though I have neglected to feel or see it for what it is over the past few months.


So there you have it - lots of changes in the works; lots of words to get down on paper. Lots of dreams still to have!



You spin me round, round, baby right round...!

BOO! I'm not sure if you noticed, but I've been AWOL over the past few months... A combination of this continual and never ending roller coaster of anguish plus looking inward and re-discovering the joy of my handwritten journal left not a lot to be said here. What was to be said felt sad and depressing; I got sick of hearing myself moan and groan and I thought that there were far more important things in life to be sad about and I ended up losing confidence in my own words and having to take a step back to let it all go. I've missed the weekly writing sessions with the Girls from Write on Wednesday... again I felt my writing was too maudlin to be shared each and every week. With that first negative thought niggling in my mind, my internal monologue turned and I just stopped. It saddens me that I stopped that weekly writing, I felt I was really turning a corner particularly after I wrote my musical piece... for the future, I need to learn to stop berating myself and just be going on with it all. The words will come if I don't pressure myself too much.

My journal and I have been spending a lot of time together mulling things over and its been wonderful therapy for me to get re-aquainted with it once more. It's funny how you don't realise how much you miss things until they are no longer a part of your day to day life. And it's that sentiment that has brought me out of hiding once more. I miss this space and while I have no idea the future nor where this little blog may be headed, I can't quite bring myself to close it down as it is suiting a bigger purpose for ME personally and it is the core of my future dreams ~ my bigger picture if you will... so for now, I am desperate to get back here & regularly update this little space. I envisage there will still be posts on Endometriosis, Infertility and daily life plus I want to do more writing exercises, whether or not I link those exercises will be my next step. For now... Cold feet be gone!

There is so much to update, 2 months of ups and downs though more ups than downs as time goes by. I am really feeling the end of winter blues - I am so desperate for Spring to arrive & notice my moods tend to swing in line with the weather. Give me a nice sunny day over the gloomy clouds ANY DAY! I have a dozen un-published posts (all of which had cold feet syndrome) that I'm not sure I will ever get around to sharing... I might start by trying to go back and re-reading past words written & start afresh with those drafts. For now though, life seems to have settled - I haven't seen a Doctor in nearly 2 months and though I will need to see one eventually; for me right now, it is re-freshing to be FREE!

I'm fully recovered from my op, the scars are still quite red and I imagine it will be another 12 months before they fade to little silver slivers. I have no recurring pain in or around the scars and I know deep down that my Dr did a damn fine job (it's been a long road to admit that... I've been so angry at the medical profession of late) My internal stitches have healed well, I've had one moment of searing pain that I don't wish to repeat but all in all, if I go easy with certain things (*wink, wink) I wouldn't even know they were there.

Pain during my period on the other hand... O M GEE... I went into this operation with absolutely NO expectations that it would cure the pain. Having had a similar op back in 2005 and having had the worst period pain since then, I knew that when the new Doc said 'there is no guarantee this will fix the pain' that he was speaking the god awful truth. For some, unfortunately there is NO relief for endometriosis - even when they don't have any active disease. I am one of these unfortunates. The first 2 cycles post Op were painful (but very expected... considering the work I had done inside, it wasn't surprising) the next was ok (and when I say Ok - I mean a very basic OK compared to what I usually experience and probably only a 4 / 10 on the pain threshold, when normally I would say I get 9/10 or some months 10/10... also keep in mind my 4 would probably be classed as really frikken bad by someone who never experiences any pain with AF. It was an all day niggling, dragging, everything feels like it will fall out type of pain... as I said pretty basic pain for me) I had hoped that I could do this. I could put up with the pain and live with whatever the doctors dealt out to me WHEN it returns. Until I got the next one. A firm 10/10 on the pain scale. Dragging, numb legs, searing red hot knife feeling deep in my pelvic bone. Not enough heat to ease it and living on round the clock nurofen (ibuprofen) for 3 days straight. So bad I hovered over that darn Birth Control Pill that is sitting in my cupboard and very nearly took it just to stop the pain. I didn't though, until this month. This month I had had enough (cycle 5 since the op... remembering I only had the op at the end of May... less than 3 months and I'm onto cycle FIVE!!!) enough was enough, I popped that bitter little pill.

Sick of the pain. Sick of the period. Sick of being a girl (if we need to be frankly honest). I'm not sure this was the smartest of decisions... I guess time will tell - but I will admit to feeling quietly a teeny bit excited about the thought of NO AF for the next 3-4 months. Stay tuned. I'm sure I have a whole spiel of words about that little blue pill.