Monday, February 18, 2013

{flashback} on anxiety

I feel these past few weeks I am surrounded by anxiety (not me; though through listening I have felt it touch a raw nerve long forgotten.) I know I'm not the be all and know all of all things Anxiety. However I feel if I can share little snippets that have worked for me to manage it then maybe I'm helping just a little. One thing that keeps coming back to me is Writing it down. Writing about it. Writing it out. Even if you aren't a 'writer' per say, something so little as jotting down notes may go a long way to clear the mind.

It made me realise that I am not really practicing what I'm preaching.

I pulled out my long lost (handwritten) journal; blew off the fine layer of dust and spent some time getting acquainted with it again. Writing new entries as well re-reading past entries. This particular entry was written exactly a year ago. When the anxiety held me in its firm grip. Looking back upon it while my gut churns and I feel I cant take anymore… I see how far I've come in one short year. 

*****************************************

Hearing the trees, rustled by hopefully cooling winds, the steady ticking of our alarm clock. The whirring of the air conditioner cooling everything down. I lie here. Its late - twenty past ten - my eyes sting with the very thought of sleep, my body tired, it aches and craves sleep. It is guilty, knowing its let the team down once more. Its refusing to play the game and other parts are going out in sympathy. 

It is flailing. Exhaustion creeps in as it can no longer keep up this fight. 

I sit here. Angry with my body. Tired. Wanting to give in - to sleep - to pain - to exhaustion. 

Yet its now 10: 30. I'm writing, first time in a long time and its round about, up and down. No sense. Yet I need this. 

All day my body has been letting me down. Tightenings in my chest. At first a little here and there. A near meltdown at swimming. Held together by a thread. A thread so taut, a single flick would snap it in two. Tears prickled. I held on. 

Steadily its gotten worse. At night its been my constant friend. Tightening to the point it felt my breathing was constricted. 

I know now its Anxiety. 

I know not what's set it broiling once more. 

Today was a good day. 

Time will tell? Perhaps… 

*****************************************


Sunday, February 10, 2013

How I write!

Today I'm sharing how I write & yes, yes, yes… I know this is just another blatant PROCRASTINATION post! And I know you are sitting there going well DUH you sit at the computer and WRITE.

For me its not that simple.

There is the slight issue of distraction. I am easily distracted by new and shiny things (not convinced… go read my crafty blog!)

I STILL haven't found the answer to stop myself from checking Facebook, Twitter, Instagram while I'm on allocated study / writing time. Sure it would be easy to switch off electronic devices, but people still need to contact me right? Right? So my answer to this is to work in spurts. I write for 20 min sprints THEN I allow one check of Facebook. And so on. So far it is working for those times I'm using my iPad - but when I'm on the computer the temptation is usually far greater.

Until I stumbled across this awesome program! OMMWRITER Dana. If you do a lot of writing - be sure to check it out! I downloaded the Free version (I'm cheap like that) and I like it because it opens as a full screen (as in - if you are using a Mac - there is no dashboard appearing below to easily click on Safari or emails. You have to physically shrink down the OMMWRITER program to be able to access other areas. Removing this small temptation has done wonders for my attention span! 

 The screen is plain white with a few small trees in silouhette along the bottom. It counts the words as you type but it doesn't distract you by clicking over as each word is typed. It shows you after you finish and you move your mouse. And it has music. Though I don't usually use that option. I find silence is sometimes far better for me - but then I have a quiet house during the day due to our location and having no children at my feet!   

Screen Shot 2013 01 11 at 10 13 51 AM