A few weeks ago my little girl was chatting to hubby, I'm not sure what the subject of their conversation was all about but I heard him suggest that maybe you should wish for it to happen. To which she promptly replied in a small voice - but it won't come true, I have two wishes and they didn't come true.
2 Wishes. 2 small wishes; one of which nearly broke my heart in two.
Hubby turned to her and said what are your two wishes?
The first was for mummy to have another baby, so she could have a baby sister or brother.
The second was for her best friend to become her sister.
We sat there stumped. Unsure of what possible answer we could give her because really there is no answer. Obviously her best friend becoming her sister was explained away easily, but explaining to a 6 year old why she can't have a baby brother or sister when there is so many added complications. That is a huge topic. Harder still to explain in basic terms that would make her understand and accept as her mind becomes even more aware of her surroundings and life.
Up till now we've always managed to say you took a long time to arrive and you were so perfect we didn't need anymore children.
And that's the truth but what if the real truth of the matter is she would have been even more perfect as a big sister. Yet we aren't giving her that chance - even if we could - easily?
One day when she is old enough I will explain to her the truth about babies and bodies and why it comes naturally to some and others it doesn't. I hope against hope that she never has to deal with the problems and issues we have faced and it breaks my heart that endometriosis is generally hereditary and that her future will run a similar path to mine. I pray that she has more strength than I ever had.
This conversation has been weighing heavily on my mind these past few weeks and I've had to second guess myself whether we have done the right thing and face my fears of remaining stoic and standing in this position or fighting for more. And do I want more. Because more may also mean less and is that reason enough to not fight?
The saddest part is although those words from someone so small and kind pierced a hole in my heart and made me yearn for something I have flattened down for years, it made me question whether I really did want to attempt it again. Or am I finally at a place of peace; accepting that our decision was the right one for us and finally taking a step in the right direction of closing the door on that chapter?