Friday, May 15, 2015

{Grounded}

Earlier this week marked 6 weeks post op - my final follow up appointment isn't for another week & a bit yet... so I am feeling unsettled. Ready to return to reality and resume life as it was before. Yet still mildly unsure if struggling to push that trolley in and around people was such a good idea. My body is usually a pretty good reminder of my limitations - yesterdays "lets finish the sweeping" resulted in a piercing pain within my midriff.

I am feeling so much better. My anxiety seems to have settled and my body is slowly returning to its former strength and I could say I have returned to most of my household duties, but I'm holding off for a few more days - to be on the safe side!

I get tired easily. One day of pushing results in a day lazing on the couch (when I say a "day" I mean the hours between school!) Yet that tired is NOTHING compared to the fatigue I was dealing with prior.

My mind is at ease. I am sure it probably won't always be so accepting of this and I am doubly sure that the grief of closing this chapter will rear its ugly head in the future, but right now I am feeling really positive.

Part of this I am sure can be attributed to my own personal {grounding} mission.



To think I absolutely DETESTED sand before! Now I cannot get enough. I would be there every day if time allowed. Getting around is easier with each passing day so I ditch the thongs and dig those toes into the cool sand and I breathe deeply as we watch the passage change colours. On Wednesday we were lucky enough to see two pods of dolphins frolicking past (of course I managed 20 photos of blue water with tiny black dots that I can only assume are dolphin fins on my phone!) 



Last week my mind was overwhelmed with limitations, so I grabbed a coffee, sent the girl to fossick for treasures along the waterfront. I sat in the sunshine with my Midori travellers journal, writing and sketching. 

My words for creative writing appear to be on holidays STILL. I am letting the pressure of "should be writing" go while I spend time enjoying the small moments of solitude surrounded by beauty and buried within the pages of my journal.  

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Being a Mum

On Sunday in Australia, all around the country mothers were opening gifts. Some extravagant. Some small & cheap; gifts handpicked by little people from a mothers day stall.

As the day began, I awoke to my very own little person - hovering over my bed ready to hand out a million cuddles and a billion sloppy kisses. As she held me and stared at me adoringly, smiling as she planted yet another wet one on my cheek, my heart constricted.

*THIS* this is what mothers day was all about. It wasn't about me being pampered. It wasn't about me opening a million gifts and receiving breakfast in bed. It was simply about my little girl, wanting to shower her mother with love and affection.

This isn't to say I wasn't spoilt. Far from it - the family went over and above with their gift giving.

   
My handpicked "Mothers Day Stall" Gift






Yeah be jealous - my handpicked gift rocked my socks off. Especially after I had a very serious question posed to me earlier in the week "If you had your choice of pens or washers what would you pick" silly me, took me sometime and several counter questions of what "pens" and "washers" have to do with each other before it clicked that this was super duper 8 year old secret squirrel business of high priority. It should come of no surprise I answered with PENS.

As I opened my Facebook - my feed was overwhelmed with mothers day messages. Some of them were absolutely beautifully written but I could not bring myself to post a similar message myself. I may be super blessed to have the chance to be a mum, I was very aware of several people on my feed who have never had my chance. Instead I have spent the past two days trying to put into words my experience this year.    

Mothers Day typically has always been just another day (not surprising considering we don't really "do" valentines day or anniversaries etc. We "do" birthdays and Christmas with style though!) So this year as a small pang of sadness coursed through me and made a tear or two roll down my cheeks, I was surprised. The reality of my recent operation settled over me in that moment as I realised that *this* is and always will be my future. I will only ever be a mum to one. Though sobering as that thought was - I also know that this is ok. My daughter is the best of the bunch and I am so bloody lucky to have had the opportunity to bumble my way through this thing called motherhood.  

Surrounded by little feet

























In my moment I also realised how far I have come. Four years ago I was facing another major operation, my relationship lay on unsettled ground and those little feet (above) were smaller but growing bigger by the day. Four years ago I was devastated at the road I felt I was being forced along. I yearned for something more. 

Today I have left (yet another) major operation settling in the dust behind me, those little feet keep getting bigger and have left a footprint bigger than my own seared into my heart and soul. My relationship is stronger than ever and I finally feel as though I have chosen my new path wisely. It may not be the one I envisaged but I am excited to trust my instinct and keep on following it.  

Mothers Day this year was about the little person in my life and as the sun set in the sky, I sure as heck made sure she knew it. She went to sleep with a smile on her face declaring it to be the best mummy / child day ever. I also drifted off with a smile, happy in the knowledge that I am ok.