Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Post Op - Day 3

I had a wonderful night sleep last night, even with several wake up calls (a loo stop, a massive thunderstorm, a sniffly little girl twice and a dog) but it was totally blissful sleeping while laying down! Albeit if it was on my side with "the husband" not the real husband, the pillow husband (tis the only way I can sleep on my side) by about 1am, I found I could actuallu put more weight on the incisions far better to wrap around the husband then to be sleeping flat on my back! 

Today I am feeling really good, no pain and no drugs taken so I think I am well on the way to recovery. I have been trying to get up and walk around a bit more, but find an hour spent up finds me scuttling back to bed for an hour of rest. Tomorrow I will aim for 2 hours up, 1 hour rest! I am walking completely normal (no hunchback of notredame here) my neighour was quite surprised to see me up and about, "what you only got out of hospital yesterday... It must have been fairly minor surgery" ummm... No, quicker then expected, but I would still class it as major! 

Today the anaesthetic has caught up and I found myself sleeping after lunch and when DH woke me as he was heading out, I just wanted to keep sleeping! *yawn* that is pretty usual for me, it takes a few days for thr anaesthetic to course its way through my system! 

I rang the Drs this morning and have to go in for a check up this Thursday, I was a little surprised as he had said see you in 6 weeks when he saw me yesterday, but his secretary checked with him and he wants to see me. I was a bit worried that they wouldnt keep my 6 week appointment which I need as it will be the all clear (sort of like a post birth appointment) anyhow, he is the Dr and knows best... Besides my dear hubby will be driving me in as it wont have been quite a week since my op by then. Its all good, hubby has said we can go for a late lunch or drop into Max Brenners choc shop... Hmmmm, chocolate! 

I am getting really bored sitting around, I managed to finish another 4 crochet squares for a blanket I am working on, while in hospital and again today at home while watching back to back episodes of Charmed. I was going to attempt some quilting earlier, but sort of glad I didnt as I was getting a wee bit pooped just playing with the crochet squares layout, perhaps tomorrow I can start something! 

I have a lot going through my mind on the subject of babies, but currently I'm too afraid to process those thoughts, so I'm shoving them down and concentrating on getting better... I'm sure there will be plenty of time to work through that when I'm back on my feet in a few weeks time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Home, sweet, home!

Boy oh boy is it good to be home! I'm feeling a little worn out as I spent the morning pacing the corridors of the hospital waiting for DH to pick me up. He arrived at 11:30am and it was the quickest discharge ever, in the car and on our way home with a pitstop for a maccas coffee on the way (better than an IV of morphine any day!!!) though I only managed about half of it!

Picked up a tired little girl from nannas and bought her home where she had an absolute meltdown when we put her to bed, in between all this, I collapsed into bed and the dog (accidentally) jumped on my tummy "OUCH" he does this at least once every operation, my reaction time wasnt quick enough (but he has been so gentle ever since... Though he could be scared because I roared at him :o )

I still have the god-awful sexy white stockings to be worn while resting up over the next few days, the nurse strongly suggested them and the are ok as long as I can take them off for small snippets of time.

My tummy seems to have deflated to about half the size that it was last night, it is still a wee bit puffy from the gas (thankfully the peppermint tea did its job on the gas) but I was looking in the mirror before and it appears I am now a little lopsided... One side I can see a fairly well defined waist once more, but the other side is puffy, puffy, puffy!

Pain is barely there, I was sent home with no drugs and told to take nurofen and panadol (together if really needed) to manage it if it flairs up again and if that doesnt work to try panadeine. I'm not too concerned about the no drugs as I had only had panadol at 6am this morning and coped well all day (even with all the walking around) plus I still have a box of painkillers from lap 1 earlier this year in the cupboard if I get absolutely stuck! Everyone (even the nurses) keep commenting on how quicky I bounce back after my ops!

The other thing I wanted to note is how sore the muscles in my back are, hot water in the shower really helps ease the aching feeling.

After this operstion, I had to have a Clexane shot each night, first night in the thigh and am now sporting a huge bruise! Last night went into the tum and I cant see a bruise (yet)

After the episode yeserday of the shoulder tip pain & taking the endone tablet, I had a Shortness of breathe. just every now and then it was a bit of a shallow breathe and is still hanging about today (though not as much) just wanted to mention it here as I'm sure I will have this operation again in the future and wanted to record all the symptoms (perhaps not the right word)

And Lastly, once the Gas in my shoulders had dissipated and travelled down, there was a point where it felt it was caught in my chest cavity. I could literally feel it balled up and expanding my ribcage "ouch" this was not a good feeling when I had laid down a little to try some sleep and even worse it made it harder to try and sit up, I felt a bit like a turtle on its back, but this was alleviated by putting the bed into a semi sitting position and letting that gas sink down, down and out! An absolute pain in the butt having to sleep sitting up for two nights (pardon the pun)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A story about gas


Peppermint tea... That is all :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Saturday, May 28, 2011


I finally drifted off to sleep this morning around 5am just as my drip ran out and started beeping. I then fell into a deep sleep, only to be woken at 6:30am by the nurse wanting to take the catheter out :o ouch!

I have been peeing a heap all day and am still being measured and scanned to make sure my bladder is emptying, it is slowly getting there and they aren't too concerned at this stage, though its a pain to have to buzz the nurses each time I go to the loo!!!

I've had a few visitors, my 2 besties and my folks as well as MIL, DH and DD. Unfortunately I have struggled with the shoulder tip pain ALL day and while it was manageable with the morning visitors, by about 3pm it was out of control. Short stolls around the hospital corridors didnt help ease it, nor did the nurofen. When the nurse saw I was in agony with it, she gave me one endone tablet. Just one tablet knocked it on its arse and has knocked me around too (feeling very shaky, but so much better than I was an hour ago!!!) Even though the Dr said I could go home this afternoon if I felt like it, I decided to stay in one more night because of the pain I was in before! I'm hopeful that the tablet keeps it at bay and I will continue drinking peppermint tea in the hopes the settling gas will exit the other end LOL!

I had a chat with the Dr this morning and he was really happy with the operation, he removed the nodule and said it was about the size of a golf ball :o He also had to remove some endo on the ovaries, which was a bit of a shock, because that definately wasnt there at the op in January... Its bringing it home just how ferocious this disease can be. Its making me think a pill to stave its regrowth is a mighty fine idea, even though the thought of no more babies makes me sad :( that will be something I need to deal with in the coming months and I think I may need to see a professional to get my head around it all.

I got to see some cool photos of the operation, in particular the lump coming out, which I might post when I get copies at my follow up appointment. He doesn't think there is anything sinister about the lump, but it is being sent off for a biopsy just incase!

In the meantime, I recover a little more each day (obviously I screwed that up by being in so much more pain today than yesterday - whoops) I cannot drive for a week or so, and special relations are off limits until after my follow up appointment in July (not surprising considering I have one long stitch along the back wall of the hoo-haa :) my poor DH though... Tee hee hee!

So all in all, it's all good... If we can just tackle the windy issues, I'll be on the home run LOL!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sleep and Gas

3:30am and I can't sleep... Not in any pain as such, just a bit uncomfortable around the inscions, but the shoulder tip pain is a whole other story!!! It's managable if I sit up, but I can feel it sinking to my guts... So it's an option of sleeping while sitting up (most uncomfortale) or laying down and being in serious pain and it appears the morphine doesn't help in that department.

Remember that episode of the Simpsons (I think it was that show) and homer was in a hospital bed...

bed goes up... Bed goes down

(my bed does that too)

I've changed it for the interim though!

Gas goes up... Gas goes down...

Remember those nice relaxing, massage things on my calf muscles (they help with circulation) they are pissing me off... All night the machine has been clicking on and off and then hissing like a snake - aaahhhh! I've got the ipod playing some tunes, but it's still frustrating!!!

And now the gas is down, must try to get some sleep!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, May 27, 2011

On the ward

I survived! Im back in the ward and have been since 12pm today. Operation went better than expected and was about an hour less than originally quoted (wonder if I get a refund???)

After the clear diet all day yesterday and fasting from 9pm last night (when I went to bed) I was absolutely starving and was quick to request food when I was out of recovery!

They bought clear soup.... OMFG - I'm so hungry people!

After drinking every single drop and questioning the nurse during every obs, they finally relented and gave me a few little sandwiches and a cup of strong black tea with no sugar *yucch* The sandwiches went down well and I was given a normal dinner tonight with a white tea, though I left the soup uneaten!!! (funny that!)

I'm still hooked up to oxygen, a drip (fluids) and a PDA of morphine (noice... Though have barely touched it as I'm not in any real pain & it makes me sleepy) the Catheter is still in and I have these cool pump up pads on my legs, over the sexy white circulation stockings... Its like a free massage!

So am going quite good. Very happy with my op and VERY happy with my surgeon, he had a beautiful bedside manner pre-op this morning. I havent seen him post op to find out all the ins and outs yet, but Im feeling mighty relaxed now that its all done!

Tomorrow will be quite the day with visitors, as long as they come bearing my requests (after all my lists, I forgot the hairbrush and moved the crochet scissors to a different bag, shame cause Im crocheting up a storm already!!!) DH is heading in tomorrow and said he would bring me a special coffee *yay* love my hubby!!!

All mistakes (both grammatical or spelling) can be blamed on either posting from the iPad or the morphine, not the user... 'kay? great!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The clear diet

Less than 24 hours to go and I am feeling a little more organised and a lot more worried (though not as anxious about the previous things that had been worrying me) in preparation of the bowel prep tonight, I started a clear liquid diet this morning (Dr suggested 24 hours prior to surgery... that means I can only have clear liquids such as soups, jellies, juices, etc) to say I am STARVING is an understatement! DH convinced me to have a piece of toast & a coffee this morning and I'm so glad he did (otherwise it would have been nearly 48 hours between food - I don't think so!) so I haven't eaten anything solid since 8am this morning :O SO HUNGRY! It is only 1:45pm, the bowel prep won't be performed until later tonight (by which stage I don't think I will be wanting to eat somehow) but many, many hours to go and I am trying to drink as much water as possible (though am failing miserably) I also bought 2 x Watermelon Chill gatorades which I am trying to guzzle as I'm hoping to build up enough electrolytes prior to pooping them all all. Gawd knows if this logic will work or not!
Lunch today was a bowl of Vegetable Soup (minus the little vege pieces)
Dinner tonight (very early) will be a bowl of chicken noodle soup (minus the noodles), followed by some green jelly for desert.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Circles & Anxiety

** beware... this post has no rhyme or reason, tis just some random thoughts rushing through the brain & I needed to get it out **
The last few days I've felt myself going round and round in circles, my anxiety is building and I'm getting really, really nervous. I feel I'm losing control over the situation and when this happens I tend to over-compensate in order to keep some semblance of control. So while I'm out of action next week, I am trying to prepare as much as possible before hand, but I'm on a loop and am not actually achieving anything. The over-compensating is all to do with the 2 night hospital stay... and this time I think I may have gone really over board with my preparations (the last big op, I only purchased a pink bag especially for my hospital stay & I will be using that again this time around)

* One pink bed jacket purchased for hospital (a lovely dusky pink, a bargain at only $23!!!)

* A weeks worth of frozen meals to eat & save my DH from cooking too much (which is silly because he is more than capable of looking after us)

* One iPod filled with new (old) music

* 2 pairs of Track pants for recovery at home post surgery

* Toiletries especially purchased for hospital (who can go past those cute little containers?)

* Box of Metamucil sachets (just incase)

* 2 sports-bras' purchased to wear under my pj's in hospital

* Box of Ural Sachets (just incase)

* Crochet cotton and an embroidery to take to hospital so I don't get bored

* Book(s) packed

See I told you - I'm completely mad with the things I have thought to organise, I wasn't this bad when I went in to hospital to have the little one (though I did pack absolutely EVERYTHING on the suggested list provided... tee hee hee!) I think this time around, I don't relish laying in bed and being bored out of my brain... hence the reason I've packed some crochet to keep my hands busy ;)

I am still writing lists of things to do, tomorrow is D-day. I need to get everything packed and ready to go before nightfall. Due to the early time expected at hospital on Friday, our little girl is staying with her Nanna for the night, I need to pack her an overnight bag too.   

* I have a list of what to take to hospital with me for the surgery.

* I have a list of what I need DH to bring in my overnight bag.

* I  need to update the 3G on my iPad.

Yesterday I contacted my health fund to check the hospital and everything was covered. I contacted the anaesthetist and won't need to pay anything until post surgery (yay for small mercies!) I contacted the surgeons office & my current referral is in place. I had my blood test and have not heard anything back on that one yet ~ I think we can safely assume that I am NOT pregnant and the operation will be going ahead as scheduled :( Tomorrow kicks of the clear diet... I imagine I will be STARVING come night fall. I stopped coffee intake today and so far no headaches, let's hope that continues well into tomorrow.

And lastly my emotional well being tipped over the edge today. It's been building the last 2 days and while I have been coping okay, my anxiety seems to be on the rise and I am really freaking out about this operation. I don't know why? Perhaps this time around I have a lot more riding on it, it's more delicate than the last one and I will have stitches inside as well as out :( The subject of babies has been niggling at me once more, but that is for a new post. I am feeling totally drained and am off to bed, hoping for a good nights sleep as I know tomorrow night will be spent with the cold toilet seat.      

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Vampire Diaries {part 2}

This morning I had a date with the phlebotomist (aka Vampire) to test my liver functions rule out pregnancy (oh the irony... AF is upon me and here I am getting a preg test *sigh* ) prior to the big operation on Friday.

Keeping in mind how bad my last appointment with the Vampire was, I was adamant about not having a repeat episode. So after my morning coffee, I drank my full tupperware bottle of water (now this was rather hard to do so early in the morning as I just don't really do the whole water thing... I know, I know I really should be drinking at least 8 glasses of water each day and that has been drummed into me since day dot by my mother but I just can't drink it constantly without forcing it in) so I figured one bottle would be enough (heck it's more than I usually do) but on the way I erred on the side of caution & stopped in to buy a 2nd bottle, sipping away as I went in to donate.

Luckily I got myself a lady vampire (is it just me or do you find male vamps to be so much rougher with the needle jab? both men I've had just punch it right on in, whereas the ladies tend to ease it in... give me a lady vamp any day!) The lady vamp and I got chatting about my operation & as she primed my arm she says "Did you drink any water this morning" I reply with "yes of course, I drank a whole bottle this morning & am now onto my second" proud as punch with my effort. She then says "well there's nothing happening & it's too late to be drinking it now sweetie" Oh shee-it... No repeat. No repeat. No repeat.

However she was lovely as, she just goes ahead & re-primes my arm again, tightens that little strap around it real tight, apologising all the while and tells me to look that way while she looks this way. Next thing I feel a teeny tiny pin prick and it's done.

Why, oh why do I allow myself to get so worked up about needles and blood tests. I think the answer to my future anxiety over needles is to tell the needle wielding person to NOT tell me when they are going to stick me. If I don't know when it's coming, I don't know when to be getting anxious right? Well that's the plan. I'll let you know how I go with the anaesthetist on Friday hey?   

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My endo bible

During my very first consultation with my first Fertility Specialist, I nearly fainted when told I needed an operation & that she was fairly positive I may have endometriosis.

I didn't faint from the thought of having endometriosis - the fainting episode was because the thought of having an operation scared me silly... funny to think that 6 years later I am now facing down my fifth operation... how far I've come in so little time :(
When my specialist told me I had all the signs of endometriosis, I really had no idea what the heck the disease really was, all I knew was that 'such and such had it when they were 18 and that they would struggle to have kids, but ended up having 3 in the time it took me to fall pregnant with one :(
I remember that I used to think that girl just had painful periods and she should just deal with it... it would seem that karma bit me on the arse with that thought... I should NEVER have assumed what I did. And I probably should never have just 'dealt' with the pain I had either ~ hindsights' a bitch!
So I was being told I had this disease. With no clue about what it really was and what it really meant, I went directly to the shops on the way home that day and found my bible on Endometriosis.

Written by Kaz Cooke (who incidentally has a history of severe endo) and Ruth Trickey. I have bought a tonne of books on the disease since receiving my initial diagnosis, some textbook sized, some little like this one. But I continue to gravitate back to this one. It is informative but written with a sense of humour (that I find soothing on my downer days) and it offers information on both natural and medical solutions. I generally pull this book out several times a year, to refer to different sections if things in my 'pipes' don't appear to be flowing the way they should. Like today for instance, day 3 of AF and I am feeling like crap. Usually the pain has subsided by now and I generally only get 2 days at most of bad pain (manageable by nurofen and burning hot heat packs) but this cycle I've had several days of it and though today is nowhere near as bad and hasn't required pain medication to get through the day, it is still rather uncomfortable with niggling waves of cramps and bowel spasms. Let's not even mention the mood I've been in for over a week now - VERY BAD! I am so cranky it's not funny (no really, hubby tried to joke with me yesterday and I nearly screamed at him... seriously!) I'm also so very tired.

Today I pulled out the trusty book again because there is several helpful hints on prepping for surgery and post surgery. I have already kicked in with an exercise regime (Wii Fit) and tomorrow I will be heading to the shops early to buy ingredients for a special tea (lemon balm, peppermint and chamomile) I am hoping that will ease the pain of wind post surgery - last surgery was horrific in that department.

It feels a little scary to be on the final countdown now, I am a bit freaked out, but telling myself there is really nothing to be done now - it is nearly here and I need to do this & get it over with. So bare with me, I am fairly sure I will be upping the entries so I have a record should I EVER need to be going through this shit again in the future (last time, I didn't keep a good record of what I was feeling) I will even try to post from my hospital bed :)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The one about Poo(h)

With only 9 days to go, I am starting to worry over certain factors of this upcoming operation. Surprisingly I am not too scared of the actual operation. Sure waking up groggy, experiencing some pain & being uncomfortable is not my idea of a cup of tea, but I keep reminding myself of my last major operation and don't recall that pain being all that bad. Uncomfortable and frustrating that I couldn't do my normal stuff for several weeks yes but on a whole, not all that dreadfully BAD. However I do worry that the pain levels of that operation dimmed in comparison to the appendicitis attack I had prior to that. Now THAT pain was HORRIFIC!

What I am TOTALLY freaking out about is the enema. I spoke to a good friend today (who incidentally is a nurse) and it has left me feeling somewhat TERRIFIED of the prospect :O being the good friend she is, she has offered to come over the night before and administer said enema... though this was offered after a bout of hysterical laughing (hers) ~ holy shit, what am I in for??? While I think it's lovely she offered to help & has said she will wipe the memory from her mind immediately thereafter... I declined and said I should be right with my husbands help. He on the other hand is NOT looking forward to it (nor am I, truth be told... but what is one to do?) much rather that option than never being able to look my friend in the eye again :)

The after effects of this do not worry me, I know I will be up most of the night on the toilet - that is no drama for me (even the waterfall pooping effect doesn't bother me greatly) what does bother me is:

1) performing it correctly (what if I stuff it up?)

2) Having a 'poo-splosion' before I get on the toot

3) dehydration

Once I can get that over & done with next Thursday night ~ I am sure I will be feeling a lot more relaxed.

Any tips (or advise) will be GREATLY appreciated!!!!   

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Powerful Words...

If you have 10 minutes spare, I beg you to watch this video. It sums up EVERYTHING I've been feeling!

I'm sitting here, nodding away with tears rolling down my cheeks as the words spoken and shared are exactly what's in my mind.   

Private Vs Public

I have private health cover. Lucky for us, it was a necessity (due to income) back in the day prior to my infertility and endometriosis woes. Nowadays I wouldn't change it for the world... just the thought of knowing I can have my pick of doctors and hospitals and get into the system straight away eases my mind and is one less thing to worry about when stress levels are peaking. I however made the mistake of increasing our hospital cover a few years back when the GFC hit and we took a fair hit with our business. Factoring in private health costs was a hefty price each fortnight along with other bills when I wasn't working 'full-time' but it was one I was willing to pay for. So I increased the hospital excess to $500 per year per person. My fortnightly payment dropped a little and is ok IF it gets used. I am always conscious of getting my operations in the same year so I only have to pay that excess once. Which is a GOOD thing as I don't have to find a further $500 for hospital cover this time around. Eases the burden when I've already paid out over $5 grand just for surgeon fees :O

Today I finally made it to Medicare and MBF to claim my surgeon fees for the laparoscopy in January as well as 3 other surgeon consultations I attended over the past few months.

My Medicare receipt was just over $1,000 and I got back a piddly $363 from Medicare.

MBF gave me a mere $50.00 (on a $485.00 in hospital surgery)

It begs the question... is private health cover worth it?

Would I be better off in the public system or for peace of mind knowing I do have one of the better QLD surgeons (who incidentally takes on difficult cases... according to my own Dr Google) as well as my existing surgeon who will be assisting him & has performed a similar operation on me in the past.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Blog Stats

I was reading a few blog posts yesterday about popularity of blogging and why we do it. For me and remember even though this is a relatively NEW [public] blog, I have been blogging and writing for 5 years. Prior to discovering blogs, I'm not sure what I did with my day :) but I am here purely because I can be and I want to raise awareness of endometriosis. I am not out to gain popularity (though more than 3 followers on my sidebar would be REALLY appreciated... make me feel I'm not just talking to myself you know?) but truly, I just needed to do this to have a record for ME. I'm not even sure why I made the jump to share my troubles with the world. Perhaps I feel that by putting it out there, I maybe able to help one person?

Interestingly though, I bought up my blog stats (the whole 240 page views since I started out earlier this year) and it appears I had a referring site from what we shall call a 'pawno' (spelt incorrectly to save people googling it ;) I was a little shocked and for half a second considered shutting it all down & going private.. I'm not sure why that particular site (and boy what a site it was :O and I'm definitely not a prude) would have a link back to me and my little blog, I can only assume because I have used the womanly word starting with V... perhaps?

Today I'm not too concerned, I'm going to keep on nattering here whether people read me or not. Having this space has helped ME and for me that is what blogging is all about!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Post appointment in points

- I have to report to hospital at 6:30am (scheduled to be on the operating table at 7:30am)

- I live an hour north (not including peak hour) so would have to leave home at 5:30am at the absolute latest to get there on time (and even that might be cutting it fine)

- I have to ring and book myself in for the hospital & they 'may' require me to be there at 6am (my gawd it's getting worse)

- I don't have to do the bowel prep drink (yay)

- I have to perform an enema instead (holy shit... um... well literally?)

- My DH has flatly refused to help with the enema :O

- Dr expects it will be more than likely 2.5 hours for the operation

- I will be staying in hospital for 2 nights

- I have been given a booklet / forms for a day surgery (WTF? damn it)

- I need to have a blood test prior to surgery to rule out pregnancy (ha.... as if)

- I am quietly shitting myself

- There is NO guarantee that my endo pain will ease

- nor the pain during sex

- IF he opens me up and finds the nodule has encroached on the bowel, I will be sewn back up and booked in for ANOTHER operation at a later date with bowel surgeons on hand

- There is a possibility of having issues PEEING post op and would need to do a self catheter - oh dear!

- My hoo-haa will (apparently) heal quite well

- Future pregnancies should have no impact from this operation, even though he is cutting into the back of the cervix

- my referral to this doctor runs out 2 days prior to the operation (WTF? I need to see GP... more dollars... to get a new one)

- I am a bit nervous and feeling somewhat anxious

- The pictures on the enema box are quite details and have stuck in my head... get out of my head!!!

- I will be put on the contraceptive pill post operation to stop the regrowth and will have a follow up appointment in 12 months to monitor possible regrowth.

- Unless of course I want a baby

- In which case we should have sex... umm that hasn't happened to date in 2.5 years why would it happen now?

- he seemed surprised that we hadn't had a pregnancy in all that time

- Anyhow that is still a moot point in this household, so we won't go there... wish it were easy.

- I bought myself a travel pack of shampoos and deoderant today - for hospital of course!

- I also bought some cute bedsocks!

- I paid FULL price for the operation yesterday (including the 2nd assistant fees)

- I cannot claim anything back from medicare / MBF until AFTER the operation is performed

- It was over $5,000 :O

- Thank god for large credit card limits & a hefty redraw on our home loan

- I bought a crafty magazine for $9.95 (my husband told me we are supposed to be saving money)

- I told him that after spending $5,000 on something I don't want to do.... $10 on something I like is a mere walk in the park ;)

- I STILL haven't claimed medicare / MBF on my first operation back in January

- I am eating a huge daily dose of vegetables and juicing fresh fruit so my bowels are working spot on prior to the evil enema

- I need to call the anaethetist to get his fees (oh yay!)   

- My best friend offered to let me stay at her house the night prior to the operation (she lives a little closer)

- I declined as she has one toilet and I don't want to be hogging it most of the night ;)

- I have 4.5 series of Charmed to watch post op when I return home

- I am not really looking forward to it, but will be pleased when it's over

- I raised the point of a future hysterectomy should this blasted disease come back in 5 years again. He didn't say no. I figure I will be 40 by then, so better out than in.

- I fucking hate endometriosis

- I'm starting to think that more babies is not worth this much effort

- but the pang remains

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Pre-op Appointment

Tomorrow is my pre-op appointment. I am assuming that it will be a relatively quick appointment just to book in the hospital (apparently this clinic does all of this for you) I will get my prescription for the Bowel Prep which will be performed {perhaps not the best word to describe what it will do to me, but you get the picture... what you didn't want THAT picture ~ just you wait till the night of, I will be sure to be sharing the ins & outs (or rather the outs) of the whole procedure!} for the record... much as I joke ~ I am NOT looking forward to this!

I am armed with a list of questions for my Doctor tomorrow... some are probably really silly {and on that... don't you hate it when they make you feel silly when you ask questions, makes me NOT want to ask questions IYKWIM} Mentally I am better prepared for this appointment, I have been writing my {silly} questions down since my last appointment with the Dr and having finished work earlier than expected, I think it's given me the space I need to better prepare for it. I have mentally prepared myself for this operation. I am not looking forward to it and even though there is no guarantee for pain relief post op, I know I will be relieved when it's all finished simply knowing that the lump has been taken out.

I just hope that this darn lump doesn't re-grow. My doctor seemed relatively confident that it wouldn't grow back, but then I do wonder as the last time I had my big endo excision (back in 2006) it was growing in a similar spot and was growing rather deep in the pelvis. I'm not sure what I will do if it comes back... if we are talking 5 - 6 years (like this one) I will be closer to 40 and in the back of my mind I keep thinking hysterectomy (though I have heard horror stories that, that option although an old style method creates more problems than it's worth as most woman go on to have issues up till and beyond menopause *) Sometimes I am thankful that I am so young in terms of 'baby' years but in others I hate that I will have this for a good 15-20 years at least (depending on what age I hit full menopause :(

Emotionally wise ~ I have surprised myself with just how settled I am about tomorrows appointment and the upcoming op. I am sure I will be freaking out a little once I am closer to operation time! I truly think that previous work stresses were adding to my emotional well being earlier in the year. Now that that part of my life is out of the equation, I feel better equipped to be able to take the time out I may need to resolve my issues and work through them rather than blanket cover them until they bubble to the surface once more.

This week has been one of the better weeks I've had in some time. The relief I have felt not having to get up and rush, rush, rush. I've taken it easy and even though I am still working for my husband, I am enjoying actually taking my time. Sssshhhh.... *looks around naughtily* I even took a day off all to myself. I pottered around. I painted. I journalled. I read. I sewed. All these things added to my sense of CALM and are precisely what I needed to just be. While I may not get that EVERY week as my husbands business is picking up and I am needed to help him de-stress and pick up the slack somewhat, it's good to know that I am once more accountable for my own time and as long as I meet my deadlines, the flexibility I now have is heedy.

*I will however stand corrected... if you have had a hysterectomy and it's fixed the issues - please let me know!


One from the archives... written on my private blog ~ 13th August 2010


Jade removes toxins, rebinds skeletal and cellular systems, and heals stitches. It assists fertility and childbirth. Jade balances body fluids.
20 months… and It’s safe to say it’s becoming decidedly jaded around here. I’ve found myself turning alternative. Purchasing a jade charm last weekend - for Protection, fertility and Good Luck. I need the latter two in abundance…

Perhaps I just need more sex. To be honest I’ve had enough. I’m over it. I’m over getting beaten down each month when the witch arrives. I’m over sitting on my hands and doing nothing, pretending that there is more to life than having another babe.

I just want one more.

Surely that isn’t too much to ask?


Even my jade tree seems to be blooming…why can’t I bloom too?

Friday, May 6, 2011

Moving On

Yesterday I finished work again, this time for the final time (I started with this company when I was a mere 21 years of age back in 1999 with a 2.5 year hiatus when I had my daughter back in 2007) leaving this time feels surreal and a little anti-climatic as the last 10 or so months has seen major changes with most of the old staff leaving at various times and a slew of newbies commencing. As much as it's an end of an era, I am so excited about the future and all it entails. And NO, contrary to popular belief I am NOT going to become a stay at home mum. I will be doing the hard yards in my husbands business and hopefully taking the pressure off him enough so he can relax a little. The last 18 months has been hard on the both of us and we are both looking forward to a little less hectic time and a little more de-stressing.

Added to the stress of the past 18 months has been the whole TTC issue and a lot of this has led me to re-evaluate my life and what it is I want from it. You see when you try so hard to achieve something and it doesn't happen as you would expect... it makes you want to re-think everything. With work I had already made the decision back in October to move on & originally had been willing to work up to September this year, unfortunately my own health and well-being made us re-think this and with new stresses being heaped on me at work (partly due to staff changes, training and re-training constantly) along with my recent operation and subsequent specialist appointments & shitty news, something had to give. Work drew the short straw. Balancing an active toddler with a 3 day a week job, commuting more than 2 hours a day as well as working long days (average was 8:30 - 6... which isn't much, but more than I originally committed to in the first place) not to mention doing the bookwork for my other half at nights, on weekends or days off, as well as extra work I had taken on for his clients. It literally got to the point that my head couldn't take it anymore. At breaking point, not only was I on a roller-coaster ride of TTC and Infertility but work had fast become a take all and leave none. So it had to go.

While I worry that with all the extra hours I now have on my hands will lead me to thinking about our failed TTC journey & focusing on the negatives, on the other hand, I am actually looking forward to the opportunity to finally grieve and make peace with it. If not surrendering to peace, then perhaps waving a white flag at it.  Using the word grieve is probably not the right terminology, but I feel I need to mourn the future children that we won't be having and for that to happen I need time out to deal with it. At the moment, I seem to be coping a lot better with our decision, but I know with the upcoming operation it will be at the forefront of my mind and for that I need to let go of past bitterness. I need to work my way through this and find a way forward.

One thing I have realised over the past few months is that I have carried a lot of bitterness with me over the years. I should have dealt with and come to grips with our TTC#1 journey before I commenced TTC#2. Carrying so much angst forward with me, I find it hard to differentiate between the two journeys and think perhaps the 2nd time around should not have felt as bad as it does now. That is until I read of others who are also on the journey of #2 and they feel the same as I have been feeling. Added to those feelings of inadequacy, grief, failure is one that plagues us more than any other. GUILT. I am carrying a shit load of guilt with me. Guilt that some friends never got the chance for #1 (or are still on the long road) guilt that I never needed IVF for #1. Guilt that I am taking the easy road by not seeking IVF for #2. Guilt that I have one gorgeous little girl and that, that should be enough.

As yet, I don't know how I am going to reconcile my feelings on all this. I figure I will just write and write until I start feeling ok about our decision.  Until this point, I have been focused on finishing work and getting the big operation out of the way. I have three weeks now until the operation, and a lot of thoughts to process in the meantime. A lot of work to do on myself, my home and my relationships.

Life is giving me a new beginning... I don't want to screw it up with thoughts of what if.