Thursday, July 21, 2011

Positivity #1 - You can ring my Bell...

Just prior to my operation, one of my good friends put together a care package (that was a half birthday / half post op recovery; oh the joys of having operations near your birthday!!!) All wrapped up and labelled, it was filled with Chocolates (Roses... my absolute favourites) a BH&G magazine (with quilting patterns... love it) some seedlings and this delightful little bell to use when I needed nursing from my dear hubby (let me assure you... he didn't find it too funny)


I've gone on and on about having good friends, who have your back and this sweet girl is definitely one of them.

On a side note: Sadly, my same friend went & landed herself in hospital for nearly a week :O A Burst Appendix and she was & still is in a bad way; poor thing, I went to visit her (and gave her a little care package, no where near as nice as hers was to me...) and the poor thing, is in so much pain with a tummy all stapled up :( I'm hoping she is back on the road to recovery again real soon, she has been through more than enough this past fortnight.

I of course went above and beyond the call of Friendship - I offered to loan her the bell LOL... I even said we could somehow engrave it with our names and dates of our operations ;) she thought it was a great idea... however her hubby went eerily quiet ~ I'm guessing he didn't quite see the funny side either???

Just incase you are wondering, which part of this post is meant to be positive ~ it's all about the joy of giving and good friendships!

Writing through pain... the happiness drought?

This blog was created simply for me to air my grievances with all that was going down in my life (of course I did hold back on some of the stuff... not everything was suitable to be shared!) it has been good therapy for me & I know the greater the pain I am in emotionally, the greater my word count has been.

The last few days I've been feeling pretty levelled out. I'm not highly emotional, nor am I jumping with joy and happiness... I am just flat-lined (not flat-lining, god forbid) no I am just cruising through the week without a care in the world. Feelings and emotions are being smothered and I am trying to focus on positive stuff. Yet with this all new level of calm (if you can go so far as calling it that) I don't feel the urge to write. I feel I have to force myself. And I truly don't like putting that type of pressure on myself, but then if I don't; I start getting all worried that I am obviously not good enough to be writing a book. If I can't write when I'm happy (which is utter bullshit, because I can and do write a LOT when I'm happy) it's just a negativity that seeps in & I need to fight it. I also think it's merely still all about finding my feet with this blog and work out which direction I want my story to take. It is now that I am at a cross-roads, I am no longer in the care of Doctors, it is up to me to make my choices and hope they are the right choices for ME.

Sometimes it's hard to muster positive vibes & posts when deep down, I'm still harbouring quite a lot of negativity. Which is just plain SILLY! To combat this I am going to attempt one post of positivity once a week (on no particular day, just whenever something strikes my fancy.) Perhaps balancing the negative with some positive ~ I will find the ultimate balance in mind, body and spirit.

And if everything goes according to plan, I might be able to churn out something half decent for the Write on Wednesdays (which I missed once more this week due to cold feet and a half assed attempt at creative writing (*sigh* see being too hard on myself again)     

Monday, July 18, 2011

Time Out & moods

I'm currently having a much needed time out with a chocolate-custard donut and large cappuccino (compliments of my husband, driving right past Wild Bean & Krispy Kremes) while there is plenty of housework to be going on with, it will still be there in an hour or two when I've finished my blogging for the day.

Since my appointment last Thursday, I have been traipsing along quite well for a change (& it's been blissful!) I have been taking on board things that were said or suggested and I have been trying to incorporate them into day to day life. One thing that keeps coming back to me is happiness - and I think therein lies most of my problems. During my first appointment, I had to fill out a sheet to pinpoint my levels of Depression, Anxiety and Stress; I will admit to being somewhat dubious as to whether you can really obtain a true reading on these sheets due to a womans normal mood levels. The questions, all relate to the time 1 week prior. I had PMT that week. Uncontrollable, pure fury and as such a lot of my answers were probably higher than what I would do normally on say a week like this one where I am mid-cycle. I also found a lot of the questions, I probably would have rated higher incidence of had I filled out the sheet 6 months ago while I was still working, balancing life and getting the bad news of the operation. Or even filling it out one short week later, after my last Doctors appointment (I was NOT in a good way!) My scores were not all that surprising to me. I am in the normal range expected for Depression and Anxiety and my stress levels are partially elevated but not overly so. When asked if this surprised me, I told my pschyc that in a 7 day week - I am ok for at least 5 of those days; so I already knew I wasn't depressed. My anxiety / panic attacks were really only playing up when I was working (but I was under a bit of stress & pressure - PT job, FT workload & the environment was a little dicey at best - against my own emotional wellbeing; well it was only natural that I had a build up of anxiety! I think work wouldn't have been as bad had I not been dealing with so much already? Maybe)

So that brings us to the question, why the heck am I going to a pschycologist?

It's something that I've been asking myself and I think I have come to the conclusion that I just want to be happy again. I know deep down I will always have some degree of sadness clouding my senses should we not be able to have anymore children; but I want to learn to live with that. I don't want to smother my feelings & be just sad forever more. That isn't the way I want to live. And it's not what I want my family to live with either. I want to find my happy place and I want to embrace it. That's why I am getting therapy - to remind me that it's ok to be sad, it's ok to let myself grieve for what I never had and that eventually it will all work out to be ok.

I have 2 weeks between appointments and I have decided I am going to make a list of ALL the things that make me happy and I want to start incorporating them into my day 2 day life. Whether I just do one thing each day or many - I want to re-program myself to actually enjoy life again. I think all too often we get bogged down with everything and say tomorrow, I will be happy tomorrow. When really - let's take the bull by the horns and be happy TODAY!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Song - from Write on Wednesday

The Lyrics...

"We Weren't Born To Follow"

This one goes out to the man who mines for miracles
This one goes out to the ones in need

This one goes out to the sinner and the cynical
This ain't about no apology

This road was paved by the hopeless and the hungry
This road was paved by the winds of change
Walking beside the guilty and the innocent
How will you raise your hand when they call your name?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

We weren't born to follow
Come on and get up off your knees
When life is a bitter pill to swallow
You gotta hold on to what you believe
Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow
And that your saints and sinners bleed
We weren't born to follow
You gotta stand up for what you believe
Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah

This one's about anyone who does it differently
This one's about the one who cusses and spits
This ain't about our livin' in a fantasy
This ain't about givin' up or givin' in

Yeah, yeah, yeah

We weren't born to follow
Come on and get up off your knees
When life is a bitter pill to swallow
You gotta hold on to what you believe
Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow
And that your saints and sinners bleed
We weren't born to follow
You gotta stand up for what you believe

Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah
Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah
[guitar solo]

We weren't born to follow
Come on and get up off your knees
When life is a bitter pill to swallow
You gotta hold on to what you believe
Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow
And that your saints and sinners bleed
We weren't born to follow
You gotta stand up for what you believe

Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah

Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah

We weren't born to follow - oh yeah
We weren't born to follow - oh yeah

The bigger picture, writing & finding me!

While I made the decision some time ago to go live with this blog {I know, I've already mentioned this fact numerous times} what I didn't realise at the time is that I have found my bigger picture... perhaps inadvertently. You see I am a long time blogger, but I'm also first & foremost a writer (not published) with a dream ~ I yearn to write a book. This is probably nothing new to anyone - every Tom, Dick and Harry in blogland that I've stumbled across yearns to write a book one day. For me, personally I have always wanted to write a book, but I've never known what I could write about, nor what I am really passionate about and I never knew where to start. Until now.

Well I lie. I completed an online creative writing course a couple of years ago and I enjoyed it. I felt alive, participating in writing exercises and getting feedback and constructive criticism back from fellow aspiring novelists. Gee that first bit of real constructive criticism hurts doesn't it? To make it worse, I had submitted a piece that I just sat and wrote. I pressed the submit button before I even read it back to myself and one lady in particular picked it to pieces. What really hurt the most was that the piece in question was about my late Nanny. I wrote it in those raw days just after she passed away and the lady who picked it to pieces was a lady from my home-town (I had met her online during the course) and she knew my nan. I was devastated and put off writing completely. Thinking I lacked that vital ingredient to actually turn it into something utterly delicious. Throwing myself out there and putting myself on the line and being shot down made me want to retreat like a turtle and give up on my idea completely.

Several months later, I re-read both my story and this ladies criticism and it made perfect sense. Seeing it clearly through another's eyes and not my own grief was inspiring, but alas the class had long finished and I found myself back at work (part-time contract, full-time work load) and the story languished. Unfinished. Untouched. It remained frozen in time, but an idea niggling in the back of my mind. I had no oomph to finish it, but it still remains my dream to finish this. It's a story I feel should be told and I think personally I will probably gain a lot of strength and recovery from it.

These last few months, since making the decision to go live with this blog and putting myself and my inner most feelings out there - slowly gaining followers and joining the weekly writing group every Wednesday and receiving feedback from the lovely girls (some of who are so kind to send me lovely messages on my not so happy blog posts - thank you girls) I am discovering that my writing is where I want to be. I have realised that this blog, these words, my story - this is my bigger picture. Whatever happens in the future, I have a story to tell here and I am damn sight going to attempt to combine it into one helluva of a book. I will probably never have the guts to publish it - because honestly, who would want to read my story (unless I get myself a happy ending) but the idea; it's planted itself and it's been niggling at me these past few weeks. It is my recovery. It is my strength and it is most of all MY story. I started a simultaneous word document that has 6,000 words and I have every intention of participating in NanoWriMo come November. I may not get to 50,000 and more than likely I will burn out (and I probably won't have a 'story' to be telling by the time November rolls around) but this seed of an idea IS my bigger picture, the one thing I can focus on that is not all too consuming or overwhelming for me.

My writing is about finding the ME. The ME that I want to be. The one I once was. No matter how hard the struggle, there is always a bigger picture of focus and I may well have found it. Even if it remains just a dream, it's giving me focus and I am going to embrace that and see where it rolls me.   

Write on Wednesday ~ Write the Music

write on wednesday

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 5: Write the Music - A bit of choice this week: Pick your favorite song and write down the first line of lyrics OR turn on the radio and write down the first line of lyrics you hear. Then set your timer for 5 minutes and write the first words that come into your head after your writing prompt.  Stop when the buzzer rings! Do this exercise over and over if you wish.
Extra Credit: After you do the exercise, try it again but this time play the song while you write. Could be an interesting way to get the creativity going...

{totally cheating this week} I am using the first few lines of a chorus.

We weren't born to follow
Come on and get up off your knees
When life is a bitter pill to swallow
You gotta hold on to what you believe

Lately I have just been following along on my merry way, following this path that I feel I should follow – all because the Doctors say so. I have been on my knees begging for mercy, it is NOT the path I want to take, but alas no-one appears to have been hearing me… it’s been rush, rush, rush between appointments and told to do this and given no reason or choice in the matter and you know what. Enoughs’ enough! Earlier this week, I crashed down once more. I spiralled out of control. I was teary and I was plain downright angry. Angry at the bitter pill that is life for me right now. I have been a nightmare to live with and I am not liking myself (let alone expecting others to like me… god forbid) but I realised today, after my physc appointment that it’s ok to hold on to what I believe in. I have choices in life and today is that day that I stand up and I make that choice. It is my life, my body and my CHOICE. I will not take another bitter pill to mask my pain, I choose to write through it and though it may well be a wee bit depressing for these exercises… trust me when I tell you there is a greater at play. I lament that I don’t want to see the bigger picture, I am afraid to face it; however this hear, these words, my words are my bigger picture. I have some fire in my belly and I am grasping hold for all I’m worth and I am going to beat this and I have something I am working toward. There is hope and I am getting up and realising that I don’t have to follow. I don’t have to be the sheep (though at times I do so like following on new and exciting trends) but today is the start.

{and attempting take 2… this time with the music playing in the background}

Music has been in my life for so long. From my late grandad playing his vintage guitar and rocking it to country music. To my late Nanny playing her organ, bashing those tunes old and older out on the piano… to hear her play tie the yellow ribbon around the old oak tree was a treat in itself. Music has been a part of who I am and lately I’ve missed that. When I was a wee child, my mum would have ‘housework’ days and she would play her old records. Yes records.. big round old black records. We’d listen and dance away to Dusty Springfield to name one that springs to mind. I don’t think us kids managed must housework, but I remember those days and I miss the carefree times we had (note to self: really should ask mum if she still has those albums tucked away… perhaps a trip down memory lane is called for) Today music was mentioned during therapy and it made me think of all the times in the past when Music soothed my soul. Lyrics sung, struck a chord within and so on the drive home, I cranked up the stereo, some old, some new. Mostly artists that made an impression in my younger years ~ John Bon Jovi ~ Once he was a huge part of my life and now, I barely get a chance to listen to his music, but today I did. I really listened to the lyrics of this song “born to follow” and it clicked. Deep within, it soothed my soul and I realised that life can get shitty at times, it’s how you roll with the punches. Aaaah ~ thank you Bon Jovi, it’s cost me a lot of money to hear what I could have heard months ago if only I’d listened.

{these were take 2 of the exercise} stupid ecto ate my original post and I think it was marginally better than these 2 pieces I had to re-do. When I realised that my initial attempt was eaten ~ I could have gone to ground and sobbed like a baby – the things that send us over the edge hey… instead I chose to pick myself back up and I did them all over again.

Please feel free to offer some constructive criticism!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Up and Down... bloody roller-coaster!

Truly starting to feel my life is a bloody roller coaster. Up and down, round and round. Never stopping. This morning has been a rush to Acupuncture (running 5 mins late because of the traffic) no time to sit and chat about the last fortnight, I barely had time for the points to go in and the moxa to burn off before it was time to get up again and rush into the city for my next appointment (final follow up with Surgeon) this time I was 5 mins early. Less than 20 mins later I was back in the car and heading out of the city toward home. Rush, rush, rush!!!

Well I wanted answers today and I got them.

It doesn't mean I have to like them :(

A quick wrap of my appointment; my internal stitches have healed well and looking good. There is some pain when he put pressure along the stitches, I am hoping this will reduce with time - however on a good note, it is a damn site less painful than it was when the nodule was hanging about. I have the all clear to resume relations once more (with a warning that I probably shouldn't be hanging off the chandeliers LOL... ok so he didn't actually say that, but he came close to it ;)

I am left with 2 options as I have stated previously (and forgive me for re-capping on this once more, it's been back and forward and round about for the last several months and answers have changed time & again, enough to make my head spin) so my {ONLY} options are:

1. Birth Control Pill - continuously (ie skipping the sugar pills) with no end date in sight. This bothers me a whole lot (apart from the whole... you can't fall pregnant when on them) in that I wonder just how safe it is to skip the sugar pills (effectively stopping your period) month in, month out without stopping? It is definitely something I want to research and I'm thinking that perhaps I will do only 6 months at a time and speak to my GP about my concerns. I am not feeling confident or right about this option, but am also feeling as though, at this stage it is our only option.

2. Fall pregnant - soon. This option I do like. What I don't like about this option is the trying to get pregnant - for me it's not that fucking easy. I've not had a hint of pregnancy since falling with my daughter back in 2006 and that was the only time I had ever seen 2 lines on a pregnancy stick. It has been strongly suggested that if I want to fall pregnant (with Assisted Conception... ie IVF would be out only option) then I would have to look at doing it soon as I'm now 34 and he said it will be so much harder & difficult to fall pregnant should I leave it any longer. It was at this point I nearly broke, while I blinked back the tears, I said well that's no change, it's been hard enough as it is up till this point.

Great choice, from one end of the spectrum to the other - IVF or Birth Control Pill. I skated around the possibility of doing nothing & allowing the endometriosis to mess with my body, but he said though the final decision was up to me; that option wouldn't be a good idea for me or this disease.

The way I see it - if I want to be back on the operating table in 5 years time, I ignore the doctors & live with the pain. Meanwhile I hope like heck a miracle comes along SOON. If I want to avoid the operating table (which there are NO guarantees of anyhow) then I go on the pill (or convince my DH to give IVF a whirl) What to do? What to do? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My heart is telling me one thing, my head is just all over the shop once more.

The other thing that was mentioned today was IF I do go ahead and have a future pregnancy then he strongly suggested I book in for an elective C-section as the work I've had done in my nether regions was reconstructive and it would be a great deal safer to birth a child by c-setion than the old fashioned way. This has bought up another whole can of worms for me, I am not phased in the least of how a baby is born (at one point my little girl was booked in for a c-section, which later got cancelled) what is bothering me though, is that this just seems to be another kick in the head. Sorry, by the way - don't go trying to push out a baby naturally. Yet another scar to add to my existing 9 would be rather cool (and I said as much to the Dr today) but to have the choice of birthing naturally taken away before I am even pregnant is another nail you know? Just another thing I'm not allowed to do naturally. Something that other woman get to do (I know, I know - other woman have c-sections and cope just fine; it's just at the moment I don't have a hell of a lot of choices left for ME to make & those that I do have a fast being taken away from me and it's just adding to my building fury) Then of course there is the added worry that IF I do fall pregnant will I be able to carry to term... I have asked this before and was assured that it shouldn't be a problem. Then there is always the what if? I can't help but worry that perhaps this is the sign I needed that I shouldn't be doing this.

Fuck me - seriously - I'm planning on coming back as a man next time around.

For now; I don't need to make a decision right this second and I really can't, too much is rolling around in my head. I am back to being angry once more and I'm hopeful that time will ease it. All I do know is I am steering clear of all things Drs and fertility for the time being... I've truly had it with them all.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


This week I have been writing. A lot. Every day in fact and I haven't been holding back. I am writing whatever comes to mind. Expectations of other people upon me, my expectations on others. Day to day nonsense. The Simple moments in life. What we have been doing. The weather. Finally I am feeling connected... It's funny how I've had to fork out $130 just to realise something that I knew all along. Writing (whether or not we will class myself as any good) is in my bones and is my soul. I am writing and I feel bloody good. I still have a long road to go, I know that, but right now I'm feeling more myself and more grounded than I have over the past 18 months.   

I have also been slowing down (as much as I can do with appointments left right and centre... this week alone I have 3 appointments - all in the city) the last few days I have spent some time out the back. One day with a group of good friends, soaking up the atmosphere and friendship while the kids ran wild in the backyard. Yesterday I curled up with a book and today I have written in my moleskine and have now (naughty-naughty) bought the macbook out to write this post! It is utterly glorious in my neck of the woods, not a cloud in the clear blue sky and while it's still a touch cold (currently 15C) my fingers and hands have now thawed and I am soaking up the sunshine.

This week alone I have my second counselling session, an acupuncture appointment and my final appointment with my surgeon. I will hopefully get the all clear on the internal stitches and some direction for the next 6 months or so. I realise now that I can't force myself to think long-term solutions as with this disease... long term generally means operations. With that in mind, I am focusing on 6 months only. This will get me to Christmas before I take stock and re-assess my focus points. Six months doesn't seem to be as BIG as 12 months or worse several years. There are some big changes coming up in the next 6 months and I'm hoping with those changes comes more routine in our lives (it has been missing of late with the amount of appointments / running around / changes) I have spoken to my husband and will be signing up to a creative writing course (correspondence) in the very near future (as soon as I get my backside to the shops& get my money back for the operation) I am (needless to say) very bloody excited about that! I worry somewhat that I won't be good enough to complete it (especially considering the state of my writing of late) but I'm keen and I guess that's a very big start!!!

Another HUGE thing we are doing is getting rid of the baby equipment (eeek...) I am still feeling very un-settled about doing so, but I am starting to think it's a lot like clutter - while it's there, it is weighing down on me and it is now the time to start getting it out. Should we have a miracle pregnancy in the future at some stage (doubtful... but I do live in hope) then we will just need to go and buy everything once more. Financially probably a bit silly, but it's something I think needs to happen. It's weird, I had always envisaged my children sharing the same cot, pram etc... (this dates back to when I was kid & all of us had the same cot, cradle etc.. as well as our cousins) but now that I've made this decision to let it all go, I'm feeling vastly different about this. I'm still really sad to see it go and my husband has been warned NOT to push me too far in getting rid of it all at one time. My neighbour is expecting a grandchild and came over last week to check out what we had and is interested in a lot of our gear. I also showed off the nappy collection, if they don't decide to take it off my hands, I have signed up to an online forum in the hopes that I can re-coup some of my costs. Now that day will be sad... but I am intending on keeping some of my favourites - really & truly, I can't force myself to part with the piggy nappy now can I???

I'm hoping to be back on board with the Write On Wednesday this week, last week I attempted it but just couldn't get anything decent. So hopefully better luck this week!!!    

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Step 2... First session + Writing...

I have had my first appointment with my Psychologist; the day prior I was feeling burred up inside a bad combination of PMT AND Anxiety about the upcoming appointment, however the day of the appointment I felt pretty good, I didn't cry during my session (that was probably due to having had a bigger blubber-fest on my dear hubbies shoulder just before I left home thus having no more tears to shed ;) and the appointment was ok. It was OK that I am getting help. It will be OK in the long run. For the first time in many months I can see things a little more clearly - which is just plain weird because we really didn't cover much ground. It was basically just a question and answer session of who my support system is, what my issues are, what I want to get from therapy and touching base on everything that has happened. Though she didn't actually give me anything to work on or go toward she did help by giving me some insightful words and this has given me something to work on before my next appointment in just over a week.

One very pertinent question that she asked was "How did I deal with Infertility the first time around?" Pertinent because I've never really thought about it like that before. This time I have been so caught up in the moment, so caught up with my body failing me, caught up with having different thoughts to my husband and cursing the doctors that I haven't really just sat and said to myself - how the fuck did you survive this before? The big difference was - I wrote back then. In my journal. I wrote EVERY day (more-so over the last 6 months of that journey... so during the pretty nasty pointy end) and that is what helped me survive and conquer. The power of Words. My words, written through my pain, sometimes just the idea of writing to keep me connected somewhere is what helped IMMENSELY. This journey though? Well I have this little space that I opted to go public with in the hopes of helping others; but here, I hold a part of my soul back. I'm here, but I'm not fully here in the moment. In my journal (hand written)... I don't hold back. If it needs to be said - I say it. My personal journalling has slowly been phased out, either being too tired, too emotionally drained, already having written it here... all leads to blank pages. This has been going on for nearly 2 years now :( I have written and every line starts with - oh dear, I need to write more. I might do 2 - 3 days, then I dwindle off once more. It was all too hard and yet I can now see that I needed to be making more effort, however when there just wasn't enough of ME to go around, it was one of the first things to stay on the sidelines.

I came home from my appointment to a quiet house. I sat. I wrote. As I wrote, I felt good. Though there is no quick fix to my issues - I drew on a strength that had been missing for so long, I'd forgotten it was even there. I know eventually everything will pan out in the end, but for now I am so happy I am taking these steps right NOW. I'm recognising after only one session, to pinpoint the toxic areas, weed out the shit and focus on ME and what better way to do that than to write.

While I won't be going into full detail of any of my sessions (and that includes when I'm speaking with you... if you know me IRL) I am intending on recording some of those *lightbulb* moments... I am holding no illusions that every appointment will be as easy as this first one was, heck am already freaking about the next one as it's in the city and in an area of little to no parking - that just sends my body into a mega overdrive of anxiety (but that is for a whole other can of worms!!) I'm finally just happy to talk to someone who agreed that it has indeed been an emotional roller-coaster over the past several months.


Pregnancy After Endometriosis

Surfing around Facebook this morning, I followed a link to a Gyno doctor and stumbled across this video that had seen previously when it was aired on RPA (real life medical show filmed in Sydney?) I had the pleasure of "meeting" Jo (the girl in this video) in an online endometriosis forum many years ago & though we lost contact over the years, I have kept tabs on where she's at in life (sounds a bit stalker-ish???) back then, she was a poster girl for all of us struggling with endometriosis.

The video is a wee bit gross, but if you want to get some idea on what happens during an endometriosis operation - please watch it!

Pregnancy after Endometriosis     

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Step 1... asking for help!

I've had this stiff upper lip policy to asking for help. Usually I don't do it {unless I know that the people I am asking for help from will benefit from said help AND get some enjoyment from it} I don't ask for physical help (though my hubby would agree to disagree with this ;) nor do I ask for mental help. I {thought} I had an inner strength like no other and I thought after dealing with primary infertility - there couldn't be much more life could throw my way. That's where I thought wrong. Secondary Infertility bit me on the ass. While I tell myself that the infertility side is just the added fuel to the fire... it's the endometriosis crap I'm being dealt, differing opinions to hubby that have combined to make it feel that much worse. Feelings of complete failure from my initial infertility journey (TTC#1), the guilt of having succeeded once - YET still be feeling this way when perhaps I shouldn't.

I'm fighting it all internally & it's ALL too much for my mind to cope with. I have gone as far as I can with my own healing and I can't for the life of me find a solution that isn't just a bandaid fix. This round-a-bout is swinging far too fast for me to make sense of anything right now. I don't know what to do next. I can't force my hubbies hand and insist that we do Assisted Conception (I'm not that type of woman) nor am I willing to traipse down that lonely path alone... being where I am mentally at this stage in time, would be a sure fire way of ending up in a straight jacket in a mental institution (just kidding... my depth of emotion is nowhere near as bad as that!!) Currently I have no fucking idea what the doctors want. It changes every time I ask. I want a straight answer. Straight to the point. No fucking around. THIS is what you should do. Perhaps IF I had that... I could actually start plan for the next step. Right now... I'm just lost and frustrated. Do I just do as they 'sort-of' suggest and use a continuous birth control pill (even after doing some reading up on it as well as hearing some not-so-great stories from my acupuncturist?) or do I just lose it and say - my body, my life, my choice?

All of this and more whirs through my brain and I keep coming back to it... all this angst for a baby. Please tell me I'm not completely fucking nutty? Is this really worth it?

Last week I bit the bullet & went to see my GP and I asked for help. I requested a referral to a Psychologist (having already made an appointment for this week) and after a lot of tears (mine) I have now been registered on the Mental Health System through medicare - which basically means I get 6 appointments & a medicare rebate back on each (and so I fucking should... I only just found out today that Medicare safety net is for OUT OF HOSPITAL only... I swear it was everything several years ago - this means is I have forked out close to $8,000 upfront and my out of pockets stand at over $5,000 - because in-hospital is NOT covered in the safety net, I won't go anywhere near the safety net this year *sigh* not that I should complain, but it would have been nice to know... I had been banking that this last op would have sent me over the safety net and it would have eased some of the future medical bills - oh well... I will get off my high-horse now)

After much back and forth I finally decided that I could either struggle to find a way through this by myself and most probably end up doing a lot of major drinking nights (most of my emotions are released after a big binge... I seem to lose all inhibitiions - in a good way) but the thought of multiple hangovers doesn't hold much lure for this 34 year old body of mine. So other than stay on this round-a-bout with no stop button and keep revolving around the same spot, my only other choice was to see a professional. Speak with someone who can guide me & maybe help me to see the forest for the trees, because at the moment I sure as hell can't.

On a brighter note... I am not depressed! My scores on the sheet were relatively low. I admit to having a whole new appreciation for those ladies (& men) out there who struggle with depression daily & can still sit up & blog about it honestly. Personally, I have struggled with writing this post & am still fighting internally whether I will hit publish & reveal this other side to my whole 14 followers. I have been feeling weaker (for admitting I need help) yet stronger (for seeking that help) Admitting to myself that I needed that help to see things clearly was as difficult as admitting it to the world wide web. However this is part and parcel of my journey and my recovery back to normalcy will require staying true to myself and my feelings.