Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Write on Wednesday - Songbird

Lyrics here

The Write On Wednesday Rules: Get creative with the writing exercises - there isn't a right or wrong. Please do try to visit the other members of Write On Wednesdays and leave a comment. You can grab the button for Write On Wednesdays from my sidebar.

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 16:
Hadge says: Take a favorite (or even random play) song and write the story behind the lyrics, not something inspired by the lyric, but the flesh on the bones of the story. It gives lots of scope for interpretative writing. Use the lyrics or theme of a song for a piece of flash fiction (50 to 200 words). To clarify, write your version of the story behind the lyrics in a song

As she gazed up at him, she knew without a shadow of doubt she had finally found her home. After years spent shuttling between hospital and respite care, only to return home without her voice, finding her herself as a carer to her now aged and deaf mother and living in a world on the brink of war- she was finally home. It had been a harrowing few years. Yet she survived. Those difficult years with hunger a constant companion and fear that her fingers might simply drop off during the freezing winters, atop the mountain.

Her mother feared she was too young to marry her war hero, yet what she lacked in physical age she more than made up in with maturity and wisdom. Too many visions haunted her from her past childhood - things no child should ever be see or live with. Her strength like a stone statue would guide her like it had done over the years. Through the good times and the bad. She had stamina. She had her heart. Her soul. Her life.

Now she had found Love.

“We’ll do this properly when the war's over love.” he whispered as they stood in front of the judges desk.

“I have no doubt,” she whispered as she looked at him adoringly.

Her knight in shining armour, he was her saviour and her future. Nothing would stop them from creating & building their dream together. From here on in, she knew she belonged.


This week, I am following on with my story from last weeks exercise. Thank you so much for all your comments on last week (keep them coming for this week hey?) and incase you hadn't worked it out, the child in last weeks' piece is now the young woman in this weeks exercise. Obviously things worked out, but there is still a lot more to her story to tell. As she is no longer with us, I am sketchy on actual details, so I am using these exercises each week to build a fictional story around an amazing woman.

I chose this song because it's a little special to me, we actually had this song playing at our wedding and it's one both my husband and I love! It wasn't released until well after the timeline of my piece, but I thought some of the lyrics were very apt as the moment these pair were married, the war was still raging. I'm not sure I accomplished fully what I personally wanted to achieve - but I would LOVE to hear your thoughts???

Constructive Criticism is welcomed and I hope I didn't cheap by actually incorporating some of the actual lyrics in my piece.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Monday, Monday

Monday's in my house mean daycare & housework! Now I'm not overly fussed on either (suffering severe mummies guilt today... but I have to tell myself it is good for the long run, Miss 4 will ease into school far easier if she's at daycare... now I just need to agree with my thinking there.) Mondays are especially good because it means a stop at the local 7/11 to arm myself with a delicious coffee. It's the one day of the week that my house also gets a full once over and appears clean for about half a day (I admit it's NEVER as clean as when my best cleaner used to do it... that was my darling MIL, I would LOVE to bottle her as a cleaning agent - brilliant I tell you, brilliant!!!)

I always get a little excited for Monday's to roll around. After three days with my babe; she is more than ready for a play with her friends at daycare! Me? It's a new week, I get to start afresh! I update the diary for the week ahead, a new crisp and clean page awaits my messy pink scrawl of notes and appointments. I diligently transfer all the tasks I neglected last week (which is generally half the list!) and I add new projects, things to be done, meal plans, you know just the usual. Did I mention my coffee??

In recent weeks after taking on a little more and cutting most of my appointments back to monthly, I decided it was time to print out a new time schedule for myself. Forgetting for the moment that I will need to change this whole schedule around just after Christmas when my babe will be on official holidays in preparation for Prep next year! ON Monday's I have allocated a few hours in the afternoons to study - I swear I NEVER used to get this excited about study when I was at school - but this new writing course I am doing, I am absolutely loving. I am literally like a sponge at the moment, sucking up information on offer and soaking it all in, so it becomes one great muddle in this head of mine (but boy it is a damn site better than the mess that was hovering there a few months ago.)

ALL weekend I have been hanging out to sit down. To write. To learn. To read.

I guess you could say it's been giving me a sense of purpose. A {much needed} direction after all the changes I had earlier this year. I'm not complaining though, it feels right. Today I have spent time reading through the differences between genre and the differences between the styles of writing (short stories, novels, memoirs et al) as I'm reading through, I taking down pertinent notes and hoping that it will eventually gel together and actually stay in my brain (I swear I lost some brain cells AFTER having my daughter 4 years ago, things that would be remembered easily pre child now take ages to sink in. Pages of books, read and re-read because I just can't seem to get my brain to retain memory or information - perhaps WHY I am loving this course, it's almost as though it's shaking up a forgotten part of brain and making it all work once more!)

I am taking notes on books I'd like to read, noting down exercises I'd like to try - for example I want to try writing a short story in comparison to a character sketch (or vignette) to see if I can put a similar story in words but have one as the fictional short story and one as a sketch only (actually... I was wondering if that might be a good exercise for WOW one week, though unsure as to logistics and such?) There is no doubt that my brain is churning with ideas and it's exciting. Now I can't wait till tomorrow when I can sit down again and revise and study some more.

One of my friends on Facebook suggested to me that I should download an audio book. I've never considered doing this before and after checking out the prices on Itunes, ordered and downloaded a copy of Tim Wintons' Dirt Music. I have just recently finished reading his novel "Breath" and it was really interesting, but I'm unsure whether I would put myself as a fan of his work. I am happy that I stepped out of my comfort zone (did I mention I'm a vampire lit fanatic??? no. Well there is probably a good reason I didn't mention it!) and tried something different. I was originally going to purchase his novel Dirt Music, but after my friend mentioned the audio book version and went on to tell me how she listens to it while cleaning her house, I thought what the heck and jumped right in! This morning, I did the vacuuming and mopping and folding while listening to Dirt Music. My first audio book. It was a really good exercise. I found I listened and picked up on sentence structure that I probably would have glazed over had I been reading it ^^^ see above to where my brain cells have been kidnapped! I am fairly sure I will eventually purchase a copy of this novel to read after I listen to it, to see if I can pick out those descriptive sentences in a newer light. Perhaps THIS is precisely what my reading has needed. A little push to help see what I should already be seeing?

This Monday has been wonderfully inspiring and enlightening!   



Bugger off AF

CONTINUOS pill... no sugar pill SHOULD MEAN that it stops the monthly witch from visiting. Well and truly into the new packet of pills and AF has returned for EIGHT days plus some additional spotting for another THREE days. I am SO OVER THIS... Looking on the bright side, it was light & only minimal pain (managed without any pain relief meds; a heat pack was sufficient and very welcomed) I AM SO UNHAPPY about this because everything had been going so well there for a bit. I am nearly finished the 2nd packet, so I am quietly hoping that it's just my hormones and body trying to gel with the new pill.

I was really hoping that I could get a few months break & not have to think about any of this. How wrong was I?

I am back to the Doctors next week so am sure this will be mentioned & will be trying to find something that works for ME and my stupid Body. I am hoping against hope that this can be sorted out with my GP, but I have this teeny tiny feeling that she may well refer me back to my first specialist as it's an 'endo issue' and may require specialist assistance. Hopefully I am wrong and it's just my body trying to adjust to the new hormones and needs time :(

Friday, September 23, 2011

Peace and Belonging

Today the conversation come up twice about having more children and both times, I was able to answer and more importantly talk about it in-depth with one of these people without feeling as though I was on the verge of breaking down in tears. This can only be a good thing! Finally after months of living with this emotional outpouring of pain, it has been blanketed by that small blue BC pill (and though it's not working for me in terms of what it's supposed to be doing with my cycle) I have found that in taking it, I have managed to remove myself and my emotions as a whole and look at the situation in a new & far brighter light. It's probably one of the smartest moves I've managed in the past 12 months. I can see the pros and cons more clearly about having more children. One such con arriving this morning at 5:40am, an early wake up call by Miss 4 :o and her reasoning but the sun is up already! My sleep is ever so precious to me, so is she but at 5:40AM... not so much! I guess you could say I have managed quite successfully, for the interim, in finding a peace that is liveable for me - right now!

It is Friday afternoon and I am with said child (the same on who woke up EARLY this morning & who incidentally refused a day sleep today) We are out in our back yard. She is swinging. I am typing on the laptop. Hubby is mowing the lawn. I am onto my second cup of coffee in the hopes it will see this tired girl through the next few hours. The Mozzies and midgies (aka mosquitos & sandflies to those international readers) are in attack mode and I am being eaten alive, our only real downside to living here. A cool breeze is blowing, the birds are tweeting. The dog is barking and chasing the resident plovers, who in turn dive bomb him yet he remains blissfully unaware of the imminent danger they pose to him. Distant sounds filter through from the highway filter as the mad dash of workers rush home to enjoy the sunny weekend ahead on the Island. I've even stopped and spent time jumping with Miss 4 on the trampoline. Like a kid, raising my arms high (and wishing my bust was a wee bit smaller as it's slowly bounced a little lower toward my belly button) releasing my worries as we jump together with childish abandon. My sinus are aching after all that bouncing but my head is clear.

All is good in my world. I feel a sense of belonging. And peace.

The only thing missing a nice cold beer. Maybe I can convince the husband to do a bottle-o run for me!    

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Book Review

My first assignment is calling for a ONE page, double line spacing Book review (this is for my new writing course)

As I tend to write a lot (ok I write FAR too much and have a case of verbal dioreah) I thought starting with a smaller book of only 265 pages would be well worth practicing on... Two and a bit pages (all with double line spacing) later; I am reticent to cull my words. Changing the page layout may at a pinch bring it back to 2 pages, but this is calling for a fine job of editing.

The words of Gill over at Ink Paper Pen are coming back to haunt me

"make EVERY word count"

How very apt and required at this point in time!

Thanking my lucky stars, I didn't chose a larger book to start with! LOL.

On a similar topic, I am on the lookout for Book Reviews as part of my study - can anyone recommend some magazines / newspapers that produce quality book reviews so I can peruse. I will start on the multiplying stash of magazines I have lying around, but sing out if you know of any must reads!

Small vent

I shirked off work this afternoon (sounds dreadful doesn't it... but in my defence I DID complete MOST of what was on my list, if you don't mention the overflowing filing tray - then nor will I!) and I have hidden myself away in my office to spend more valuable time on my first assignment. I finished working through the topic book on Tuesday and had made a really good start on the first section of the Assignment, so fired up I came in to try and finish the 2nd section.

All was peaceful and quiet until the phone rang. I saw it was an overseas number and I decided to give him a serve as they rang here FIVE times yesterday and each time I'd answer there would be silence and then disconnection tone. I answer and get some man (overseas with a bad English accent) telling me he is calling about my Telstra landline. I told him that I was NOT interested and please could you remove my SILENT number (that I pay Telstra for each month) from his call list because I wouldn't be changing my mind.

He spoke over the top of me "I can't remove it, I ring you all the time"

"Yes" I replied, "you rang me FIVE times yesterday, I want you to please remove my number"

I was then subjected to him saying OVER and OVER "I ring you ALL time, I ring you ALL the time. It my job. I ring you ALL time"

By this stage - quite fired up, my voice rose in frustration as I told him to stop being a smart arse and remove my f*ing number from his call list OR I will call Telstra and get you in trouble. What's your name. Silly boy started sing-songing his name and kept talking over me. So I hung up. Felt sort of rude for hanging up on him... but was truly to pissed off to care. Dumb idiots. What gives them the right to call here and WTF gives Telstra the right to release my SILENT number when I am ALSO on the no-ring register.

Grrr - worst part is I am so fired up that I had to come in here and get it off my chest before I can concentrate on my course and assignment.   


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Research and Life

This blog feels like it is finally becoming more in tune as a writing blog and while it will still feature my life (and that associated crap) well into the future, I am feeling really good about this change of direction - it must mean I am doing something right in terms of development both mentally and physically!

Yesterday I wrote a piece for WOW (Write on Wednesday) which you can read here, and while I mentioned briefly that it was a story that had been breathing down my neck for some years, I have sadly neglected it in the past few years as the main character has since passed. I always told her I'd like to tell her story and she would often tell me I was crazy and why would anyone want to read a bunch of boring stuff like that anyhow? Personally I think she was the crazy one, because this story has always been really intriguing for me and the incredible strength she must have endured when most of us take things for granted was admirable in the least, you would have to be crazy not to see the story in that! My only problem with this story is I only have the bare outline which means that with the main character now gone, there will be parts that will need to be fictional. This is the part where I'm unsure the direction I should take because it's a true story, but I will need to make up parts. Anyhow - enough of that, that is far into the future, for now I am just pottering along doing a little research here and there when I get a chance.

As I was writing yesterday, I remembered the part about the radium - so I did a few google searches on it's introduction to Queensland back in the late 1920's early 30's. Searching through several pages my search had me stumble across the National Library Archive where they have digitised scans of old newspapers and translated text - dating back to the 1800's. Jackpot!

On a whim, I thought I'd enter my main characters name - partly because she had a newspaper clipping from the 1930's where she was featured during her hospital stay (I have sighted the original and also have copies of that article) and I wondered if perhaps that particular article had been digitised for prosperity. Unfortunately it hasn't yet.


I stumbled over three other mentions of her in the Brisbane Courier - the first dated 21 December 1929


From here

Two of these mentions would definitely HAVE to be my character because the years add up perfectly to the time she spent in hospital and her age was spot on. The third is debatable... while it could be her (same age / area) I can't be 100% sure as it's in a different context.

This discovery bought a tear to my eye because she was so proud of her newspaper article, reminding us constantly that she was so famous when to the best of my knowledge she had absolutely NO IDEA that she actually appeared in the Social Pages of The Brisbane Courier when she was a wee little girl. If only she was here so I could share my news. I am pretty excited about my discovery, it's put an oomph back in my step to keep working away at my research in the hopes of uncovering more.

WOW - the people in your neighbourhood

write on wednesday

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 15 - Give yourself some time to notice the people around you. The people who may cross your path each day. The lady in front of you at the supermarket, the man who helps the school kids cross the road, a neighbour, a waitress in a cafe, a librarian, anyone at all. Choose one person, someone you don't know, and this person will become the basis of the week's writing exercise. Describe this person as you see them, describe their surroundings. Then imagine a problem, create conflict for this person. Describe the conflict. Describe how your character deals with the problem. The conflict might resolve itself, it might not. It is up to you. Perhaps, the lady in the supermarket has forgotten her wallet. Does she bursts into tears? Maybe the librarian finds a lost child. The aim is to show how your character responds to conflict and in the process, reveal something about that character. Tell us their story.

Let's aim for around 200 words, keeping with the theme of the last few weeks (to make each word count). Hopefully those of you who are writing ongoing stories will find a way to weave this exercise into your work.


Lying still in her hospital bed, not moving an inch for fear that such a movement would cause the steel tube in her throat to shift and constrict her feeble airway, she couldn’t help but overhear the dulcet murmuring from beyond the green curtain pulled loosely around her bed. Her mothers’ voice rose in anguish as she answered the Doctors question with one of her own. “What do you mean,” she asked trepidation permeating every word uttered.

Hearing the Doctor take a deep breath and seeming to steady himself for his next words “We have done everything we possibly can. The tumors keep returning, faster than we can operate on her, we can no longer control them in this measure. Radium appears to be her only option. If we don’t give it a go… well” he let his words hang in the empty space between them.

Stumbling backward she sank into the hard wooden chair in the corner of the ward. Her eyes glazed over with unbidden tears and she watched as life continued for those people far beneath her, suppressing the urge to scream at the injustice she had been dealt she forced her mind back to the present. Her life. This young girl was her life and now the Doctors were intimating that her survival hung in the balance.

Steeling herself before she spoke up,

“But radium? It’s so new in this country, there is barely any documentation on its use nor it’s success”


Attempting to share something a bit different this week, this has been a (based on a true) story simmering in the back of my mind for many years now but has lain dormant the past two. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with it or which direction I want it to head - but I do know that I want to say it - in my words because it's an intriguing story. Starting this writing course I am doing, has re-iterated to myself the importance this story once held for me. Looking at it again, through the eyes of these weekly exercises makes it feel it's all coming back to me... slowly.

Constructive criticism welcomed!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Three Things#1 Exercise

During my first appointment we discussed the three main areas that are required achieve a suitable healthy balance in life (both physcially and mentally)

  • Sleep

  • Diet

  • Exercise   

Each of these can also help alleviate the pain associated with Endometriosis. Well actually I'm not sure the first is an actual written & known fact, but I know for me if I don't get ENOUGH sleep, I'm just a cranky old bi-atch!

Sleep I have pretty much covered most nights I average 8 hours.

Diet I am constantly working on (I feel I am always working on this area - the lure of caffeine and donuts is strong in me!)     

Then we come to exercise... Did I ever mention that I used to be a LONG distance runner. Yes. Me. And I was bloody good at it too. Cross country was my forte and each year I came in the top 10 of my age group (girls). I also was pretty good at the 800m and 1500m each sports day and most years I would get a ribbon on both or at least one.

Now remember I am in my mid 30's... so we are talking more than 15 years of NO sports or exercises at all. Occasionally we have gone through spurts of buying bikes or rollerblading and at one point I tried my hand at squash. In the stakes of complete and utter honesty, for the last 7 or so years, I've done more sitting on my butt and a bit of walking (a big day at the shops counts, does it not?) than actual exercise.

Until I tried my mum's Wii. I decided then and there I needed one too. My husband vetoed this idea for several months (he knows me too well) until he finally gave in about 8 months after my initial (and only) try on my mum's Wii. Quietly I think he felt sorry for me as it was approaching my birthday and I was scheduled to have the op the following week. So I went to the shops and bought a Wii and Wii Fit Plus and promised to practice every day. It lasted a week. Hey - in my defence, I went to hospital and then required recovery blah, blah, blah. And of course, every time I've wanted to jump back on it's either been too cold (excuses, excuses) or my daughter wanted to use the TV for her shows. Something had to change.

A few weeks ago, my beautiful man was throwing around ideas on how to fix our problem with TV vs DVD vs games and we came to the conclusion that we needed a separate TV and area designated for the games. Luckily we had the old plasma that got relegated to the office when we bought a new energy efficient TV, so it was no issue to bring it back to the house, move a few things around and buy a new cupboard for it. It has each of the game consoles set up, so all I need do now is move the coffee table and I have my own games room / work out area.   


Two weeks later, I have spent time each day on the exercise regimes and have managed to put on a little weight (which is good - my goal is to gain 4.86Kgs to get me into the best BMI weight range for my height. I try and do at least 20 mins of Yoga each day and then a further 20 mins in the afternoons of the balance / aerobics. I haven't yet started on any muscle building - the yoga is enough to just about kill me :o and surprisingly even though it feels every muscle in my body is aching... I am now a "Yoga Trainer" on all but two poses. The other two I am "Yoga Master" so I must be doing something right. It's just a shame that my rhythm and balance are pretty much out in everything else... but I'm sure I will get there.

The best bit - I am feeling pumped. I feel good. I am struggling to fit everything in and desperately need to make myself a chart because some areas are now suffering. I am never going to be a Gym junky, but this feels right for me and what I needed right now. It's only a small step but who knows, if I can re-build my fitness just a little... I might end up challenging our friend to a weekly game of squash (the real thing... eeek!)   

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Facebook... and the endo community

I have recently discovered a few pages on Facebook about endometriosis and though I don't regularly join in and actively discuss / interact with them all the time (mainly because they are American based) it is good to know there are support groups out there that you can turn to when you are having a bad day and see that others are having a shittier time than you. It can really put things into perspective. Until this morning.

This morning one of those groups put out a question on behalf of one of their members asking:

How long did it take for you to get pregnant after getting off birth control?

Generally I won't answer these types of questions... I mean really how can you put everything you've been through into a teeny tiny little Facebook comment? Condensing your entire journey into a few mere words. Until I read the replies.

* 3 months with number 1 & 1 month with number 2

* A year after surgery and ON Birth control pill

* 5 months post surgery

* Straight after surgery

* Only 2 girls said 2 years and one was while waiting for IVF.

My reply

‎2.5 years, 2 ops, numerous tests and a round of clomid for my 1st baby. Trying for number 2 has been 2.5 years, 3 ops without success and now back on BC pills contiuously and having a self enforced break until we decide if we do IVF.
THIS is what gets me about this blasted disease. There is so many variables and there is no rhyme or reason. Some people CAN and DO fall pregnant easily and quite regularly go on to have 4 kids even though they were the ones that were told they would struggle to have kids IF ever. There are others who fall post op. A family member of mine did this - during the 6 weeks post op on the mini pill she fell pregnant. Yet then there are others (me) where it just doesn't happen... I just found it really intriguing to see that out of 10 or so commenters 70% had no real issues when it came to pregnancy.

I understand that there is differing levels of this disease. I've hovered over the years between moderate to severe and even now I am still not really classed as a severe case (well obviously severe enough to be on Birth Control Pill continuously... so I'm figuring it must be pretty bad) but what I'm getting at is - it's not severe in the sense that I have it EVERYWHERE. I don't. I have it localised and until this last op in May it was never found anywhere else in the uterine cavity except in the pouch of douglas (however during this op in May they did remove some from my ovaries, so I am unsure whether as I get older it is just going to get worse? Perhaps?) All I know is there are people who are severe and fall pregnant *snap* then there are others that just don't. It's frustrating to have one of those diseases that is in the bigger scheme of things relatively unknown and is still understated in terms of fertility (well that's just my opinion based on fertility specialists who specialise in endometriosis.)

I could fall in a heap and cry and moan that the world is unfair and why me... but I then read the next response after mine - 12 operations AND a hysterectomy - when you read that... my heart just breaks, for her & for others in a similar position and it brings it back home - mine is really NOT that bad at all in the bigger scheme of things.

The only worrying thing is my age. I am still only 34. On my calculations I still have another 10 - 15 years (perhaps more, perhaps less) of periods ahead of me and I wonder if my battle with this disease will only worsen as the years go by?       

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Write on Wednesdays - The mighty mighty re-write!

write on wednesday

The Write on Wednesday Rules: Get creative with the exercises. Don't worry too much about right or wrong. The aim is to Get Writing. Do try to visit the other writers linking up and leave a comment. You can grab the Write on Wednesday button from my sidebar.
Write on Wednesday Exercise 14 - The Mighty Mighty Rewrite...

Zanni: I did a workshop with literary author Mj Hyland, who teachers Masters in Creative Writing at Manchester University. She asked us to choose our favourite book, take the first paragraph and then write our own content into the paragraph, keeping the structure, tone, language etc. It's really helpful!
No time limit. Let's keep up the focus on making each word count. Ready? Set? Write!



The book was easy to choose - I am a romance / history TRAGIC! From the book Cross Stitch - Diana Gabaldon.

The Original Paragraph...

It wasn't a very likely place for disappearances, at least at first glance. Mrs Baird's was like a thousand other Highland bed-and-breakfast establishments in 1946; clean and quiet, with fading floral wallpaper, gleaming floors and a coin-operated water heater in the bathroom. Mrs Baird herself was squat and easygoing, and made no objection to Frank lining her tiny rose-sprigged parlour with the dozens of books and papers with which he always travelled.

My re-write...
To all intents and purposes, the cottage at first glance was exactly like the next one. A Highland bed and breakfast opened after the close of the great war in 1946, it's primary intention as a getaway for young brides and their surviving soldiers; quaint and tidy, with understated furnishings, a narrow stairwell and a coin-operated phone in the front entry. Ms O'Donnell herself bright and bubbly, was welcoming of Beth littering her wee library with the dozens of maps and aged news clippings that she had found researching the disappearances.


Actually a little background story for you on why I chose this book - completely off topic - but relevant in it's own way!

I first heard of Diana Gabaldon many years ago through reading another history/romance series (Sara Donati) & I had planned on tracking down a copy for myself. A few weeks later on a trip to my home town, I was visiting my Nan and found this dog-eared, seen better days, copy in her overflowing bookshelf.

I got all excited and said "OMGeee... can I borrow this book to read"

She says to me "you can have it, it's old and I probably only paid a few bucks for it at the markets"

I said "but I can't take it from you, it's yours. How about I just borrow it and return it ok"

To which she replies "just take it, I really don't want it back"

So I did what any good grand-daughter would have done. I agreed but insisted that if she was going to give the book to me, then she should inscribe it in the front cover!


She wrote "To my best friend and G'daughter, Love Nan"

This Sunday marks 2 years since she passed away and its times like these, I am so grateful for those moments of friendly and crazy banter we shared. Today this book (and the whole series) has become one of my all time favourite books, every time I read it I think of her and even more special is that it was her copy originally... though I don't think she ever bothered to read it. I miss her so much, but it's these little memories that make it so much easier to live with.

Constructive Criticism MOST welcome.....

Monday, September 12, 2011

PMT without Aunty Flo

I have just finished my first pack of Birth Control Pills (21 blue tablets, no break - no sugar pills). It's been a relatively EASY 21 days for me. The thought processes that go along with TTC have been taken away and I am feeling a lot calmer about everything and finally able to see things clearly. I know I still have a long road ahead of me - but for the right here, right now, I am feeling pretty level. Surprisingly.

I do however have one such gripe and that is with this BCP I am taking. Tonight I start on the new pack - effectively stopping AF from visiting this month. I readily admit to being a wee bit excited about NOT having her come to visit ~ the last few months (scrap that... the last several years) have been horrible with pain, popping pain relief tabs and nuking my heat packs until they smell like burnt cookies, thus rendering me hungry and craving choc chip cookies at 10pm! My gripe...??? Well I still have PMT {cue: big sob} the last 3 days I've been short tempered and while I could blame Friday's attitude on lack of sleep as I had a rare wake up call the night before AND I was going cold turkey on Coffee (probably not the best timing, but hey hindsights a bitch!) but yesterday I had a pretty decent sleep and I was still snappy. Today I have been snapping pretty much all day.

I was trying to explain to DH yesterday that it was like my PMT was still there bubbling away under the surface, but had effectively been blanketed by the pills. In theory this should be a good thing, but I feel it is like a spring pinned down, eliminating that bounce and I feel it's waiting, biding it's time. I worry when the spring is released, for now... it's trying it's best to escape and it's slowly but surely beating that little darn pill. Seeping past the edges and spewing forth a spray of words that can't be taken back. Just a few more days, if I can just suppress it for a few more days.

PMT is a HUGE part of the reason I decided to go on the BCP. I was quietly hoping that it would balance my moods and give me a few months of calm. Without snapping. Without the tears. Without the tiredness. PMT is such a debilitating side effect to being a woman.

I am hopeful that this month I am still feeling the mood swings, because my body is adjusting to taking this new pill. I am hopeful that next month will mean a smoother ride, both for my sake and the family's sakes.   

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Written in the numbers...

Numerology? Perhaps it's written in the numbers and I have been looking at all this baby stuff in the wrong way. It all started when Miss 4 and I had a shower last night. She is starting school next year (prep) and she will be one of the youngest in her class having just scraped in by being a June baby... quite often we use shower time as learning time. We write our letters on the shower screens and she will spell her name, her friends name and we play eye spy as well. Last night we did some numbers and she said she has number 1 in her name. I said no that's a number babe, I think you mean you have an L in your name. Easy to see how that can be mixed up - they both look the same!!! After some thought she said but what's the difference and I had to stop and think and work out how to explain to a young child the difference between letters and numbers (I was never cut out to be a teacher ;) so I explained that letters are our alphabet and they make up words. Like your name, my name, the door is a word. I tried explaining that numbers are used when you go to the shop (but think it may have confused her a little bit more) so I decided to use the tiles in the shower as my example. I explained that this is a tile and that is a word - we even spelt it out (how good am I???) I then went on to say that this is ONE tile. Then we went from there and ended up counting all the tiles she could reach. After that it all seemed to sink in and we had more understanding than before our shower.

After the shower, w continued on with our lesson & I asked her jokingly - how many mums do you have? ONE was her reply

How many dads do you have? ONE

And we ONE dog, ONE bird, ONE fish and ONE child... she cried.

We certainly have a lot of ONE's in our life. It got me thinking that perhaps this was the reason we were destined to just have one child? Or perhaps it's a mere co-incidence!

All I know is, it's got me thinking today, shame it doesn't apply to inanimate objects, if we had just ONE car... ONE boat... ONE lawnmower... ONE shed... ONE guitar... ONE TV... ONE DVD player... can anyone see what I can see. It's quite obvious that the Husbeast hasn't quite cottoned onto the ONE phenomena!

And let's not mention that we may or may not also have (more than) ONE bookshelf... (more than) ONE sewing machine... (more than) ONE camera...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

-WoW- Write on Wednesday 07.09.11

write on wednesday

I'm back for Write on Wednesday (finally) after a long hiatus, cold feet and no confidence. Today called for one line - I can do that. What I can't seem to do is minimal words... oh well, it's my first week back - cut me some slack!  

Blue skies & golden sunshine beating down upon bare arms and legs, a cool breeze with a hint of saltiness from the passage gently blows our freshly washed hair around and combined with the sound of laughter as the kids ride their bikes with wild abandon; we know spring has truly sprung forth today!

Constructive Criticism always welcomed (but go easy, trying to build up my confidence again!)

Lost for words

I found myself at a cross-roads today, I was asked (for the first time in a long time) about having more children. Confronted with such a bold question... one which most people who know me well enough and who have some inkling of my immediate past health woes have dutifully avoided, it was almost refreshing to have those words uttered to me. To have someone who didn't know and wasn't scared of my reaction to ask that question. Of course it also left me reeling, I babbled a few words in answer and tried to cover my pain with a poor attempt of thinly disguised humour (actually in hindsight, it probably wasn't even humorous... the whole convo feels like such a blur) but it left me with some lingering questions. Doubts. Wondering what I should have said and questioning what I should be saying in the future when this happens again - because I have no doubt that such a question WILL come up again sooner or later.

The person who asked was once a good friend, now we are just strangers & communicate through work ~ the conversation took this turn as they are now expecting a 2nd child & well that's where it usually leads when that subject comes up right?

Them - You have 2 right?

Me - Aaaah, No - just the one.

Them - Oh. are you having another.

Me - Umm, no I don't think so.

Them - What, Why.

Me - {blase tone} oh It didn't really happen for us.

Them - Oh {silence} um {more silence}

Me - {babbling now} yeah I had some health issues.

Them - Oh shit, is everything ok? What was wrong?

Me - Just some womanly problems  

The more I answer, the more the questions keep on coming, or the more I feel the need to fill in those awkward silences. THIS is the bit that has me unsettled. I don't want THEM to feel bad for asking because truly having a 2nd or even 3rd child is perfectly natural in most cases (expected in some peoples pee-brains). However I'm not sure I want to (nor should I) get to the point of having to blurt out 'woman's problems' just to put an end to an awkward moment, because by that point everything in me starts to churn once more, I feel anxious and I question whether I have chosen the correct path for us right now. Maybe it's just right now that is the problem, having only recently started the Pill, I'm feeling a bit in no mans land, hovering between 2 lives. I need a line that is a straight, no bullshit answer.   

Previously when we were TTC our first babe, I had a stock answer especially for those strangers who had to ask when we were going to hurry up and have a baby together. It hurt a lot to answer this way but it made the conversation a damn sight easier on me & usually the difference between having to fight back tears or feeling the urge to walk away fast. The line would cut people down in a millo-second - "DH is shooting blanks" (even though this was completely and utterly NOT true) but it would be enough to stop them asking anything further, quite possibly either in embarrassment (or perhaps even what they perceived as sick humour) was enough to stop them asking anything more. A bit harsh, but at that point in time - I was protecting ME (and them from having a blubbering fool on their hands) Now though? What do I say? What would you say in my position?

"it didn't work out"

"we tried our best"

"my pipes are rusted & old"

I guess in time, it will get easier and I will work out what I need to say when confronted with situations like this. Today was just awkward timing.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A small facebook rant

Without wanting to sound like a bitter old cow (& knowing that I probably will... I still hit publish)
I have a few small issues with Facebook. Where do I start? I like popping on several times a day and checking out my friends status updates. It's lovely to keep up with news from my home town, people I haven't seen in simply forever and seeing photos of friends and their children.

What I don't like... I don't like how Facebook has become the place to announce pregnancies, labours & births. Don't get me wrong, I do like that now-a-days we tend to find out a lot quicker than the old bush telegraph when someone pops a child out. And I do like to see scan photos of close friends and celebrate birth photos etc. What I don't like is people who use it to 'countdown their pregnancy' or better yet... another person's pregnancy.

Case 1 - I have just had to endure weeks and months from an old friend from school, counting down the weeks of her sisters Pregnancy. While I understand that they are all excited about it - it was a kick in the teeth to log in each week and see that 'such and such is 18 weeks and the baby now has feet' seriously. Now normally - I would let this just wash over me, walk away if I was feeling a little upset on that particular day :( but in this instance after the babes were born I've noticed (inadvertently) that this girl has de-friended me. Quite obviously she was doing a clean out and realised that just because we knew each other when we were 8, didn't mean we had to be friends now. That didn't bother me. What did bother me is that I spent the last 8 months reading these baby updates, each time feeling a teeny little pang deep within only to be ditched. WTF? I realise that we don't need to be friends with everyone in life and Facebook is no different. I'm just peeved that I didn't cull first (ok and maybe, just maybe I am a little weirded out that she ditched me... why be-friend only to de-friend - but that is another facebook rant for another day!)

Case 2 - I've met a lot of people online through various infertility forums and as we gradually grew away from those such forums (generally because we graduated) I have kept in touch with some over the years through Facebook. It is lovely to keep these connections because some of these girls were there for me during the hardest of times... but I have just noticed one such friend is now pregnant with number 2. Surprisingly - natural. As much as I am really happy for her as I know she is a fellow endometriosis sufferer, I can't help but feel totally bummed because each week she is updating her status about how many weeks she is now. I know she did struggle first time around and she has every right to be using Facebook as a countdown, I just can't help but think of the rules of online forums - be conscious of your fellow members who are still struggling to conceive and don't update on pregnancy after a certain scan / date (a bit harsh, but when you get to the long term forums it's a safe haven for members who don't need to be reminded of others success) I guess I still carry that thought process? Maybe it's all ME and my issues because really facebook is NOT a safe haven for the long term Infertiles.

I don't know - perhaps I am just too bitter. We don't know that Case 1 wasn't an IVF & possibly longed for pregnancy, maybe the family were excited beyond belief for this reason. We don't know all the background information & though I know it's a free world with freedom of speech & that everyone should be allowed to air whatever the heck they want on Facebook. I am just feeling a wee bit low and I guess a part of me still wishes it was me that could be putting those little updates up each week. Though I doubt I would. I am still very conscious of those of my friends online who are still struggling to conceive.

What do you think? Am I being too precious? Should I just suck it up and be thankful that not everyone struggles and can be outwardly happy about their pregnancy.