Wednesday, December 28, 2011

With Distinction!


I submitted my first Creative Writing assignment late November. Usually a 3 week turnaround and not knowing what happens with Christmas holidays for an online College etc I didn't expect anything until well into the new year!

Well blow me down when I found my assignment returned the Friday before Christmas AND I scored myself a Distinction (2nd highest score, between 70-89%) I am beyond excited with that result. From the beginning I had told myself I would be happy with a mere pass (which is 50-59%) due to my earlier in the year lack of confidence issues… so to get this result straight out of the gates - I am thrilled! Plus it's given me a boost of confidence for the next assignment which I'm hoping to get cracking on over the holidays if I can escape to study some afternoons!

A perfect end to an otherwise spectacularly crappy year! Bring on 2012!!!   

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Anxiety

I love Christmas. I love the trimmings, the food, the time spent with family and friends (the more the better) and I love the presents. What I don't love this year is the Anxiety.

One comment… made a week ago, has had me in a heightened state of anxiety most of the week. A comment that was a throwaway and was probably nothing more than just a passing comment. Yet to me, it's cut to the quick. It's left me feeling edgy, cranky, stressed and I don't need this. I really can't cope.

That's the (not so) funny thing about anxiety.

Once suffered it lies dormant forever more. Awaiting that moment it can release it's ugly tentacles upon you once more. I stupidly thought I'd gotten a handle on my anxiety. I'd pinpointed the areas that were pushing the anxiety to the edge and I had covered myself and my feelings with a thin protective layer. I backed away from those who thought they could pass judgement until such a time I could cope within (and even then some people were just far too judgemental & have since been slowly removed from my life.) All this protection. All that therapy. Delivered a false sense of security and had me believing I had cured myself of Anxiety. Yet here I sit. It's 12:50am, I am wide awake with that comment rushing through my brain, my brain is trying to counteract & deal with it but it keeps rushing. Around and around. It's stuck on a loop in my head and with it the feelings I had managed to suppress for so long have all come rushing back. My heart is pounding after spending the week clenched tight as though it was held in someones fist… my first signs of an impending attack.

Rather than lie in bed tonight and let it continue it's destructive path upon me. I came out to write about it. I'm hoping that by letting it go and putting it down on paper screen it will let me out of it's sticky grip and I can go about my merry way once more. Always in a perpetual state of calm before the storm.

As for the crux of the matter and how I go about fixing it. Well there really is no quick fix. This is something I've dealt with for many years and will continue to deal with for years to come, I've never quite worked out how to manage the situation so I usually don't say anything at all. THIS is my problem. By not having the appropriate balls to say something, others go on their way none the wiser that they have hurt me with their underhanded and off the cuff comments. To them it is nothing more than what they say whenever they want.

And in the bigger scheme of things, the comment at hand probably didn't mean anything at all. Yet to me, I sit here and continue to mull it over.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The end of an era...

My baby girl, my only baby is off to prep next year (for those non-Queenslanders, Prep is the year before grade 1 but is now a level taught at the school and requires a school uniform) I am prepared for any meltdown that may occur with this huge life altering event for us. I am fully aware that I will be at home practically full time (albeit working for hubby and studying) and will not have any little people underfoot. In some small ways I am a little excited, although my life will be dictated by school drop off and pick ups - I will have that time in between for ME to do with as I will. In other ways that small pang is always there, lying dormant and at this point managed and almost accepted. I pretty much know I won't have another child. I have spent many dollars on therapy to come to terms with that thought and as each day goes by, though it still stings I feel a little more at ease I guess with my decision. I still have moments (like when this blasted Endometriosis and the darn pill sentence is playing up I think to myself if only I were pregnant...) but for the most part I am now calm and accepting of the fact it didn't happen. I no longer tear up when explaining to people that it just didn't happen.

Many, many months ago, I offered to give away our cot to some flood affected victims. I've spent the past several months putting it off because I just couldn't part with it. Not when I was going to therapy to get my head around NOT having any more children when I had always expected that we would have 2 or 3 kids and they would all use the same equipment. It was a silly little dream of mine and for that reason, I didn't call. I didn't measure the cot. I fluctuated in feeling really guilty for having offered something and not delivering to just not being capable of picking up that phone! It was a very hard few months and letting go of it (the cot) was like the final nail in the coffin so to speak about the baby subject.

I finally made that call today and it turns out she doesn't need it any longer (felt slightly bad about being so uber slack in my promise and apologised profusely… how can I explain it when it sounds so silly to myself.) so after ending that phone call I immediately phoned my neighbour and said The cot is all yours. You see my neighbours' gorgeous daughter who lives a few hours away had a little girl last weekend and is coming down to visit for Christmas and my neighbour needed some baby equipment.

They came and picked it up this afternoon, along with the porta-cot, bouncinette, high chair and are possibly coming back to collect the pram, change table and play pen. I'm not sure how I feel, my beautiful neighbour kept saying but you might have another baby. I told her quite upfront that it didn't happen for us and I don't fall pregnant easily and that was it. End of story. End of an era.

I keep telling myself that it was just stuff. Stuff that we have kept & stored for nearly five years and it was time for this stuff to go.

I feel less tied down knowing all that stuff is no longer in the cupboard awaiting that what if scenario. I feel less weighted down knowing that it's now gone and I guess like any type of de-cluttering, I am de-cluttering a part of my soul.

So why does the heart constrict that little tiny bit. I know that I can easily buy new stuff when and if the need arises. New stuff isn't bad, it just means a new era.

I couldn't hand over the froggy cot quilt that I bought. It came out ready to give away, but immediately got returned back into the storage bag :( I guess some things are more than just 'stuff'

So tonight I sit and I remember those early days xxx


Friday, December 2, 2011

Sick of this disease...

2011 has been the worst for me in terms of dealing with endometriosis. Two operations (one exploratory, one major surgery) several appointments with GP and specialists, weeks of recovery physically and months of recovery mentally... Not to mention the monetary side. ive lost count on how much has been spent on me and my health this year. 12 months of hell. Pain. Scars. Tears.

This morning I happily told my SIL how I've managed to manage my PMT, no periods - hallejula the pill is working.

Tonight I sit here, tears prickling as my body messes with the system and the bleeding starts up once more. 17 measly days of freedom.

I am exhausted. My body is exhausted, tonight I have felt like Ive been hit by a Mack Truck. I am extremely fatigued.

Im at a crossroad. No idea which way forward. No going back. I need to go back and talk to the Doctors again soon which will mean more money, more specialists and more decisions.

Tonight I feel too mentally exhausted to make a decision. Tonight I am wishing it all gone. Tonight Ive had enough of this disease and its ugly tentacles that continue to cause pain and angst even when you cut off its blood supply (so to speak)

Tonight I fucking hate Endometriosis.