Saturday, May 12, 2012

Still here… for now.

I'm still here. For now. I really don't know how much longer, I'm having some qualms about continuing on with this blog. With telling my story. I feel as though I've evolved and come so far since this same time last year. This time last year I was at my absolute worst. Yet there is still more to tell. More gaps to fill. In a weird way, I've sort of liked my evolution through pain, loss and now the other side of therapy. Writing. Living. Being.

I don't know.

I find myself in this time warp. Nothing of any importance has been happening with my health. I've suspended everything while I have disobeyed all doctors orders and stopped taking any form of hormones and I feel good. I feel really, really good. Yes my PMT is all over the shop, my AF is still painful (though being managed better through regular acupuncture.) My last doctors appointment (earlier this year) knocked me for a six; I'm still in denial over what she had to say to 'fix me' and I'm sort of on a sabbatical which I know is probably the wrong thing for me in the long run, but for right now - it feels good to walk my own path and take a little road less travelled.

A quick re-cap on my Doctors appointment and I think what happened at this appointment is the reason why I've been so silent here of late, I figured if I didn't mention it or talk about it then it wouldn't really be happening. But it did happen and it did set me back a bit; but I feel the time has come to open up a little and try to get my head around it before it starts to fester and eat away at me.

I have been seeing my GP since I was in my early 20's; she is very good and I trust her to make the right decisions for me and I know she doesn't muck about when there is something up. She doesn't just offer quick fixes and for that I'm thankful. I am adding this because at the time, even though I value her opinion and advice, I felt discarded and lost. Cast adrift and very bitter. Oh so bitter about life, doctors and the blasted endometriosis! 

We had previously discussed my various issues with the previous pill & during this appointment she prescribed me with a new one - Yasmine. Though as she wrote out the script she did say that she didn't really believe this one would work for me either. That piece of advice made me feel so eager keen to run out and start taking it… NOT. Well stupidly I went and bought 3 months supply. $75 for three months. Shee-it. Then I came home and started reading up about it. OMFG. Let me tell you, that packet of pills has sat in my kitchen cupboard untouched. I keep telling myself I spent so much money on it and yet still it sits un-opened and to be honest - I am probably not going to use it. The feedback from the majority of woman who have taken it have labelled it evil. After feeling like utter shit on the other pill, bleeding pretty much constantly and having a doctor not convinced this one will work for ME… it can stay in the bloody cupboard! Even my husband mentioned last week (after experiencing a post pill AF of 11 long and heavy days) that he doesn't want to see me on the BCP ever again.

I was then given the option of returning to my specialist (the expensive one ;) to get a mirena inserted but after some more google searching and some advice from my Acupuncturist; I'm not even considering that option. The thought of pumping more hormones into a body already messed up by it's own hormones just seems so wrong.

Then came the clincher. Mentioned twice during my appointment. The big H. 



I obviously have more to say… I just haven't fully formulated the words I want / need to say & I'm still not sure I am ready to visit that place just yet. Bare with me hey? I will be back another day, maybe not tomorrow - but soon enough to put into words the magnitude of how I feel about this latest development.