Monday, September 29, 2014

Moving Forward

Last month with days to spare I finally pressed send on my 12th and final assignment. Only days after emailing the 11th assignment. After waiting several weeks the results have finally arrived and I am happy to report that I received a High Distinction on both assignments.

Overall I received 10 out of 12 High Distinctions; and 2 Distinctions.

The big question is: where to from here?

I had two people ask me a few weeks ago - “what are your plans now you have a Diploma (well the actual diploma is currently in transit – but the course has been completed WITH flying colours…)

I was stumped to find an answer. The whole point of me originally deciding to study was in order to attain a Diploma with the intent to possibly do a University course. However since spending three years studying part time, being a mother, working part time and pretending to be a housewife (yes pretending – apparently I have done a DISMAL job at keeping house these past few years…) I am now re-considering my options.

I have thoroughly loved studying.

I haven’t so much loved the pressure to prepare “creative” assignments, the nerve wracking waiting for results nor the never ending inner editor telling me my work really sucks!

At this stage, I don’t think I want to continue studying and I don’t think I want to delve headfirst into a University degree. Perhaps I will change that thought process in the future, when the fatigue of pushing myself to the ends of study wears off and I am left rattling around inside a fully de-cluttered house and feeling bored.

For now - right this moment in time I have decided to put my energy toward everything I have neglected in my recent quest. I have several plot bunnies I am dying to explore and while I lamented earlier in the week about my lack of direction and motivation toward my current novel – I have decided for me at this point in time I need to write – but not words for that story. My story and I need a small break, time apart to recover, regather and reassess that the direction its taken these past few years are the direction I want to take it in.

Realising this need for a break – I have managed to spend last week writing words for different pieces, different genres with no pressure from myself or anyone else to write GOOD WORDS. They are just words from my imagination, a way to keep both feet firmly planted in the world of creative writing.

I am writing.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

1,2,3,4,5… once I caught a fish alive

6,7,8,9,10… then I let him go again.

At the moment I feel like my body and soul is like that little captured fish. Caught in a net, tangled and flopping. Trapped. I need to let it go - let it all out.

I expected this month to take its toll on me. Initially I hoped I could stick my head in the sand and spend every waking moment writing my story. I figured the more words I added, the closer I would be to the end of my story. I thought by doing this, it would be an awesome tribute to a wonderful woman.

Mostly I would find myself so absorbed that I wouldn’t need to think, let along try to process feelings that I can’t describe, even to my husband.

Except I failed miserably – managing only a grand total of 4,625. Piddly amounts not worth mentioning, nor worthy of their own blog post.

Yet I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. Like the caught fish, I am splashing and casting around inside that net of words. My story feels disjointed, its taken a belly flop into the deep blue right as the tide was heading out and landed on the rocks. Squashed. Smashed. Lost. I fear that I will not be able to pick up the pieces and using my magic pen, sew it all together. I fear that this story will forever languish in the to hard pile.

It would do well to remember that every tide that ebbs away will eventually flow back to shore.

So today on the eve of her anniversary - while I sit and yell at words that hide, as my bodies defence mechanism begins to rise to the tension that tomorrow may or may not hold – today I just be.