Friday, July 29, 2016

Walk with Me

Last year I found myself pulled toward water. As my body slowly healed, my soul was nourished with weekly walks along the waterfront. 

Sadly 2016 kicked our butts, and changes to our weekly schedule has seen us prioritising other stuff. Our slow meanders along the waterfront stopped altogether. 

This term I decided enough was enough! No matter how exhausted we were by weeks' end, we needed a moment to let the wind mess our hair, to feel the sun on our faces and the squishy sand between our toes. On Friday's you can usually find me stuffing ice-cream into my face then taking a wandering stroll up the beach (which is actually down because technically we are walking south!) 

There are few people up this end of the Island and as we wander I can usually capture nature photos with only my child photo bombing. 

The squishy-ness of the crab balls delight us and the small one tries to jump on as many as she can, or pick up a handful without breaking them. 

I delight (and never tire) taking photos. The small pockets of water that remain long after the tide runs out. The mank smell of the stagnant water, the way the shadows fall across the small stretch. 

And of course I am photo bombed by my own shadow (who somehow thinks it might be batman!) 

My tired feet push on, leaving a gentle footprint or five hundred through the cloud of crab balls. They crumble softly beneath my feet as we walk. 

We search for shells, broken glass worn smooth by the wash of the water and collect seed pods or strange looking crab like flowers. 

The small child runs and cartwheels. She writes words with a stick and even buries treasure complete with an X marks the spot. Her face is smeared with ice-cream and she squeals with wild abandon (having been locked in class the entire day) 

Some days I wish we lived in one of the houses backing onto this stretch of water, alas we are not millionaires and I wonder if we would appreciate if it was at our doorstep. I yearn for a sea change, and then I return home and I look around me and I realise that I have everything I need and more right here. It is grand to dream a little though! 

Monday, July 25, 2016

Something changed...

April 1st was my one year anniversary of my Hysterectomy. Lets call it my hysterversary. I have struggled to find the words about how I feel about it. Some days I wonder if I should move on from it and place the entire fiasco firmly in my past & forget about, but it is also one that I want to honour because it played such a huge part in my journey.

One year on; physically there is no stopping me.

I can walk 4klms return in less than an hour without breaking a sweat (okay so I do tend to breathe a little harder on the return journey - totally blaming my sinus issues on that! And maybe my thigh muscles do begin to scream at me)

It doesn't sound like much huh?

Before my operation I could never plan on weekly exercise because the pain was too bad. The bleeding was too heavy. The fatigue enforced full days of couch rest.

Now I have a weekly walking date with a friend and the only things stopping us are:

1) really windy days where you can't feel your face

2) wussy dogs who when faced with the above mentioned wind, lie down in the grass and expect you to carry all 15kgs of them.

3) magpie season.

I am the healthiest I have EVER been and now nearly 16 months later I have zero regrets and honestly wish I did the operation sooner.

Emotionally I am cruising, I still feel as though part of me is missing (well duh) but I am no longer groping for the missing pieces. It is as though an acceptance has floated over me and I am co-exisiting with an empty room. (I can no longer use the term "empty womb" because there is no uterus)

It would appear I can joke about my situation without all the tears too.

Mentally is a little harder to get my head balanced. I still have a lot of grievances, anger at the injustice and residual pain from those long years of infertility. It has been a real struggle to move from that never ending spiral that defined the old ME to the new ME.

Over the past few months since my Hysterversary; something changed within me. I have shed all the tears I am able to cry. I feel nothing when seeing pregnancy announcements, big beautiful pregnant tummies, newborn photos. I have accepted that our path to single child parenting was as it was meant to be; I am not happy about the way shit fell, but I am no longer grief stricken. I have stepped into the Acceptance phase of my journey of grief and that is okay. I know within I do have a longer journey ahead of healing fully, but I am grateful to be exactly where I am in this journey for today.

Tomorrow may well be a different story.