Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Enough! is never enough...

This morning I sat and wrote 3 pages of mindless dribble in my faux morning pages book (it is fake because I do not write every single morning like I should!)  I droned on and on about my lack of... well everything really. I lack focus. I lack balance. I bleat on and on about how I need change but then I never actually change.

Around and around I wrote about my complete and utter lack of self control where new projects are concerned and I worried about how life is passing me by and why have I not accomplished anything to date.

All of this could be triggered by a quote a friend shared

"Give someone a book, 
they'll read for a day. 

Teach someone to write a book... 
and they'll spend a life-time mired in
paralysing self doubt." 

How can I be everything when enough just seem to be enough?

After the mental mind purge this morning, I moved into my craft room and I began mindlessly glueing pages in yet another journal that I promised myself 2 days previous, I would not START until I finished at least one journal. Motivated in all the wrong areas.

I began making marks. Writing Words. Thinking, scrawling thoughts and thinking some more. Swirling words and thought, it became clear I am at my most productive and focused when I was keeping a blog. My blog was my accountability partner. I have been lost without it and every damned time I started writing another post the self doubt kicked my butt and told me to back away slowly.

Months have passed. Not only have I not opened this blog. Nor have I written anything at all. I itch to get back in touch with my imaginary creatures in my head. To write about things I know and to research and write about things I don't.

I yearn for ink stained fingers (side note: they are actually ink stained right now... cause some dumbo stood my favourite fountain pen cap down and there is pigeon blue ink EVERYWHERE!)

I want to watch the words dance and shimmer across my pages.

I want to make friends with characters who may not always be who they appear.

I want to create worlds far more interesting than the one we inhabit now.

Simply I want to write.

And so I shall. I say "eff you to my paralysing self doubt."